Living VS Surviving

I have had quite a week this week! Oh my, I just can't wait till things get back to "normal" again, LOL if there is such a thing. But yes there is, such a thing as normal. It's the day to day stuff, the routine and so on.

Anyways, hubby had surgery on his leg this passed Tuesday (he's doing well). He has been home and resting. My mother in-law so kindly took vacation time so that she could come over and help us out so that I didn't have to take time off of work and us both being off without pay would really have sucked!

I am so thankful for all that my in-laws have done for us. Something's happened to me this week that brought up a LOT of old scars. Well ya know, they aren't so old. They were feelings from back when I was going through starting our family. I had c sections for all 3 of our kids and that required a lot of help from our families.

I may not be the one in recovery this time around but man I was getting a taste of those old feelings. Needing the help this time so I could work. Knowing someone else is doing something at my house for my kids and family. Like folding my laundry! Oh my, ya so anyways. I calmed myself down because I hated the anxiety I was causing.

Looking back or shall I say, feeling back to how I used to basically live in those days it really occurred to me, I wasn't living I was surviving. I was getting in my own way, allowing my head to get clouded with twisted thoughts. Thoughts that I was a failure and incompetent as a person, a mother, a wife and everything else I was supposed to be.

I know none of that was true and isn't, I am so excited that I see this now. This time around I am looking around and seeing with an inner eye and not just these two eyes that people can see. I don't know how else to describe this but just seeing things in a whole new light. The more I get in my own way, the more I struggle. The more I struggle with my anxiety and mood swings, ya know, the ripple effect.

Living VS Surviving keeps popping into my head. Asking is this living or are you just surviving?

Surviving is being too afraid of the fire and just wrapping myself in layers. The layers mean so much protection. Always a reason for those layers. But where is the comfort? Where is the warmth and ambiance of the fire?

Fire is not just about surviving, it's about living! It's about using the fuel and adding to it. But if the chimney is blocked there is no out for the smoke and ya, that just makes a mess of things. You can't enjoy the fire and no matter how many layers you add the smoke will get you.

I choose to live! I choose to continue my journey and release these emotional layers I have been holding so tightly to. There living is surviving but having fun while doing it. It's about adding yourself to the picture and now putting myself on the list of life. I want it. I want to live and I want to have fun. I want my dreams man!