~Mirroring~
In any relationship beyond a casual connection, conflict is inevitable. When faced with conflict, we have one of two choices... to react or to respond. When we react, we are moving from a space of fear where solutions often escape us. Unfortunately, this breeds more discord. When we respond, we approach our conflicts from a space of willingness to understand the view of the other. This allows love to transform the situation.
In the book "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" By, Margaret and Jordan Paul, the authors express that we have two paths to choose from as we negotiate our conflicts in relationship. We can choose the Path of Protection or the Path of Evolution.
The Path of Protection is based on reactiveness and has self-preservation as its sole agenda. The Path of Protection leads to a deepening divide, causing conflict to escalate or become more grooved and rutted. This often leads to a battle of wills as each partner strives for power and control of the situation. The sense of distance and separateness increases. This allows an atmosphere to prevail where both parties feel unseen... unheard. The Path of Protection cuts off all avenues for growth, leading to a stalemate.
The Path of Evolution stems from willingness to step into the shoes of the other and see the experience through their eyes. It requires that we temporarily put down our egos and enter into a space of emotional openness. This invites love in to act as a salve for wounds, birthing understanding and a sense of feelings being honored. When we approach our conflicts by responding with love we nurture connection, healing, communion, and growth within ourselves and the relationship.
The major difference between these two approaches is that the Path of Protection is invested in being 'right'. Whereas the Path of Evolution is invested in learning and understanding. It is only in the space of a willingness to learn that true resolution can be nurtured.
It is essential to remember in any conflict that each person has their own experience. We may not agree with their experience. That experience may differ greatly from our own. However, in no way does this devalue the experience of the other. Truth is highly subjective. There are no absolutes when you delve into the realm of feeling. Whatever an individual feels has merit and deserves to be respected. It is unfair to attempt to explain away someone else's feelings or suggest through argument that they are somehow in the 'wrong' for holding the emotions they do. When we do this we invalidate our partner's experience. This creates a no-win situation that prevents a loving resolution.
How many times have you been embroiled in a conflict where the other party was arguing with your feelings or trying to sway you to see things from their point of view? How did this make you feel? Did it make you feel safe and supported in opening up? Or did you find yourself becoming more combative, or worse yet, recoiling?
To effectively navigate what can often be choppy emotional waters the communication skill of 'mirroring' can prove immensely helpful.
The first step with mirroring is to listen. This means when the other person is talking you give them your full attention and hold your tongue. When your partner is speaking, they have the floor. Your role is to hold a respectful space for them to open up and express themselves.
In this regard, be aware of your body language because it is a form of communication in and of itself. Lay off of rolling your eyes or staring at the ceiling in frustration because you are chomping at the bit to say your peace. Likewise, let your body reflect openness. If you are sitting with your arms crossed you are already communicating a sense of being closed off without uttering a word. Let your body language speak of openness, yielding, and receptivity.
As your partner speaks, drink in their words. Really absorb the heart of what they are expressing. Let them take their time to share their feelings. Don't interject or interrupt. Your time will come. Consider how you would feel if you were sharing something sensitive and were being interrupted. Put yourself in your partner's shoes and extend the same dignity to them that you would like to receive.
Once the other party has aired all their feelings, it is your turn to respond. Again, stay out of reactiveness. Don't go on the warpath attacking their position or trying to explain how their perception is off. Instead, mirror back to your partner so you can be sure you heard them correctly. For example a statement such as, "It's really important to me that I clearly understand what you are saying. Let me see if I heard you correctly. Are you saying.......?", invites clear communication and allows the partner to feel heard. In this manner, any possible further misunderstanding is nipped in the bud before creating more drama to sort through.
Remember as you mirror back what you heard the other person express to keep all sarcasm, hostility, and personal judgment out of the mix. To ensure clarity, follow up with the statement, "Did I hear you correctly? Is that everything you needed to express? Is there anything else you need to say?"
If it goes pear-shaped and your partner says, "No... nada... not even in the ballpark", be patient and let them have the floor to clarify. In an instance like this you would go back to the beginning... listening, mirroring, and verifying that you heard the other party correctly.
If your partner affirms that yes, you have indeed heard them correctly, ask them if there is anything else they would like to share about what they have expressed. Once the other person has said everything they needed to say and are done sharing, you are free to respond, offering your point of view if it feels appropriate and the situation calls for it.
If there is something you need to get off your chest, it is your partner's turn to let you have the floor. You deserve the same respect and dignified treatment. The other party will need to follow the same dialogue guidelines... listening, mirroring, verifying, giving you further opportunity to elaborate on what you have shared, and responding with their position if necessary.
If both individuals can agree to approach conflict resolution with willingness to grow and learn through relationship, the rewards can be phenomenal. Greater intimacy and closeness can be established renewing once fading bonds. Even if the other party is unable to meet you in this emotional space, you evolve by practicing the art of mirroring in communication. You elevate yourself and in doing so, teach others through your impeccable example. You also free yourself from carrying emotional baggage that is not yours to bear. You get to walk away from the experience with your head held high. You also gain a deeper understanding of the other in your heart. This alone makes it worth the effort to open yourself to dynamic communication.
We always have two choices in life...
To live in fear or to live in love. Choose love. Always choose love.
Love heals
Love brings resolution
Love conquers
Love creates
Love is eternal
Love is the only absolute truth there is.
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