Persephone's Return

About a year ago, I embarked on a mystical journey. It has been a long winding road and I have only arrived at my destination in recent weeks. I have been doing some deep emotional processing around the traumatic events I experienced 14 years ago. It was time for me to go right into the center of this pain, rage, shame, and fear so I could lay it to rest. It was essential for me to face this demon head on in order to forgive... the past, all those who wounded me, and most importantly, myself. I needed to forgive myself for misplacing my trust and for being human... susceptible to vulnerability and fragility. 

For many years I felt shame because of that softness. Now I see that my strength is in my courage to wear my heart on my sleeve. My love is my power. It matters not if others can't meet me in this space or jest at the expression of my very real feelings. This is more a reflection of their inadequacies, not mine. 

Many have scoffed at my desire to forgive. They don't understand how I could move into that place of emotional readiness considering what I have been through. Forgiveness, at its heart, is not so much about the other. It is a gift of release you offer yourself. Forgiveness does not mean you excuse the transgression. It is not a statement that what happened to you was acceptable or just, certainly not if you were treated with cruelty. Forgiveness means you are no longer willing to carry that pain. It is a refusal to play the role of victim. When you forgive, your martyr days are over. You are ready to reclaim your power and let that wounding lie buried in the dust of the past. Forgiveness sets your soul free. For this reason, I forgive all those who caused me such great pain 14 years ago. I lay that turmoil down in peace because it is not my burden to bear. 

Earlier this year, I did something rather radical and unconventional in my attempt to recover the little girl gone lost. I never felt quite the same after my most severe bout of anorexia. I always sensed that a piece of my soul was missing, locked frozen in time, attached to the traumatic events that have kept me imprisoned all these years. Those events... all the hurtful things people I cared for said to me, being abandoned and forgotten... have haunted me through an endless loop of memory.

I had read once of a shamanic practice called soul retrieval that spoke to me on an intrinsic level. Shamans believe that parts of our soul can sever and become attached to a period of time when a great trauma occurred. This causes the person who relinquished their soul part to feel this constant state of incompleteness, as if a piece of them is missing. Often the individual will not be able to find peace and release from the original wounding. This keeps their life in a somewhat bound state where it is impossible to move forward or to feel whole. It's like living life in reverse... seeing present experiences through the eyes of the past. I resonated with this when I read it. It spoke to a very deep part of me. Earlier this year, I decided to seek out a shaman for a soul retrieval. 

I found a woman to work with who has extensive experience with shamanism. She apprenticed for many years with the Kahunas in Hawaii. Both her and her husband have been doing shamanistic work for well over 20 years and are deeply respected. They are held in high regard in the healing community. I spoke with her at length, explaining where I felt stuck and how this had affected me all these years. She agreed a soul retrieval was in order. This would be carried out in ritual over several lengthy sessions which she performed for me on a donation only basis, making her the real deal and not some new-agey charlatan. 

Prior to my first session, I ran into a friend who had also gone through a soul retrieval. She warned me not to do it. She expressed that it was the most intense thing she had ever been through. After her ritual had been completed she found herself in a deep state of grief. For a year solid all she could do was sob and take salt water baths in an effort to cleanse herself of the energy that seemed to be ripping her open from the inside out. 

I asked her how she felt now that she had passed through that dark valley and come out the other side. She responded that she felt whole... complete. That was enough validation for me. I felt it was worth the spiritual initiation if it meant I could recover myself. I bit the bullet and never looked back. 

The ritual work was potent. It is one of the most profound mystical experiences I have ever had and that's saying a lot. I've had some doozies. I had to keep a very open mind and stay out of fear which was a challenge because the power that was raised was so palpable... so formidable. It is not something to be toyed with. At the same time, there was this odd sense of familiarity... something ancient, rooted, and deep ... as if encoded in my DNA. There was almost a spirit of homecoming as the drum droned on with its earthy beat and I was lulled into journeying by the sound of chanting and tribal song. 

I worked with this shaman on three separate occasions to complete my soul retrieval. At first, it felt as if lifeblood had flowed back into my veins. There was an energy present that had been absent for so many years. I also began to reconnect with old parts of myself. I was called to renew my spiritual practice. Former interests resurfaced. Even friends I had not seen in many, many moons began to re-enter my life. I was starting to feel like myself again and that was a wonderful feeling after being cut off for so long. In general, it was all gravy baby. 

However, there is another side to the soul retrieval process that must be completed before your soul parts can be integrated... walking through the shadow. This is like a rubber-band effect. Picture a traumatic time in your life... the people who surrounded you back then, the feelings you were feeling, the experiences you were having. Now imagine being transported back to that space and reliving that experience as your present self. This is the final stage of the soul retrieval and the part my friend discussed that she said was so gut-wrenching. I now know all too well why she gave me that warning.

The past month, I have gone through the shadow. It exacted a devastating blow. I can't say I would have gone through my soul retrieval had I known the magnitude of the experience that awaited me, but there's no use crying over spilled milk. What's done is done and in my heart of hearts, I do believe I had to go there. I say this because despite the searing pain of spiritually reliving these traumas on every sensory level, I have my power back. That is priceless. I know my power will never be stripped of me again. I am certain of this because the woman I stand now will never give it away so carelessly as I did in my youthful folly. I have graduated from the princess to the queen and will not suffer fools idly as I did in the past because of my hunger for approval. I approve of myself now and do not seek validation in any other's eyes. 

Some would look at the experience I have gone through over this past month and believe I must be mad to endure such an initiation into life's mysteries. I care not for the opinions of those who cannot even begin to fathom my intense need to have my full self restored. It's an unbearable pain to walk through life as a phantom because you are bound and tethered to a past of sorrow. It keeps you from being present... from drinking in all the beauty and wonder that surrounds you now. I was not willing to continue to live like that... empty and devoid. I paid a high price for my soul's return but in the end, it was worth it. 

I cannot express the depth of emotion that has been unleashed from the pit of my being over these last 4 weeks. This was beyond grief. It was as if my spirit was wailing... howling like a Banshee... and there seemed no bottom to it. It was like free falling into a cavern of despair. It was like falling to my knees on that cold linoleum floor as an anorexic at the brink of death. 

Oh... and the rage. The rage was like fire running through the top of my head like a burning spear, engulfing me in flames. Consuming everything in its path that was a false idol. It was as if the Dark Goddess had been invoked to seek redemption. The venom spit out of me like the poison from a cobra's fangs. 

The fear had to be reckoned with. It rattled me in the late hours of the night, keeping me tossing and turning in my bed... breaking out into a cold sweat as if enraptured. My heart pounded in my chest like a bass drum. All my terrors paid their respects. 

On every level, I relived the events I suffered through 14 years ago. It was like slipping through a porthole and being transported back to that hellish place. Straddling the razor's edge... a foot in both worlds. All of my senses were engaged as if my past had become my present. The experience was so tangible. Though it was disturbing, powerful beyond belief, and fraught with an intensity the mind would have to bend to imagine, it was necessary. I had to walk through the realm of the forgotten to find myself. Now that I have, I will never abandon myself. Never again. 

Some hearts break because of wounds inflicted. My heart was broken open. I sit in gratitude for all those who tried to knock me down. You only made me a stronger, wiser, more powerfully fierce woman. You made me a wild woman and honey... wild women don't get the blues.