"Love Your Body Through Thick and Thin" Workshop, Week 38: Kitchens

Take a moment to close your eyes and imagine yourself back in the kitchen of your childhood. View your surroundings. Explore every nook and cranny. Notice the decor of the kitchen. Take in the style of cabinets, flooring, and kitchen appliances. See the pots, pans and cooking utensils organized throughout the space. Open the pantry and refrigerator and have a look inside. What kinds of food are stocked in your childhood kitchen? What do you feel when you stand in this space? Is there anything you come across that jogs certain memories? Allow 20 minutes to write free-form about what you discover in your exploration of your childhood kitchen and any feelings that come up.

Once you have finished writing, go into your current kitchen. Close your eyes for a moment to turn your attention inward. What does it feel like to be in this space? Open your eyes and as you did in your visualization of your childhood kitchen, take in your surroundings. Explore this space in your home. Notice the decor, appliances, and cooking utensils. Open your refrigerator and pantry and check out the contents. Is there anything that stands out to you as you explore your current kitchen? Do any feelings come up for you as you come across certain items? Again, take 20 minutes to write about what you discovered spending time in this space of your home.

After Writing:

Read the two pieces of writing out loud to yourself. Did you notice any similarities between your current kitchen and the kitchen of your youth? Did you feel more at home in one space than the other? When you revisited the kitchen of your childhood did any particular feelings surface? Did you feel uncomfortable to be there in any way? What kind of food was in your childhood kitchen? Was there a wide variety of foods to choose from? Or were the contents of your pantry scarce? Were the foods mostly nurturing, or mostly pleasure foods. Did a sense of nostalgia come over you as you explored your mother's kitchen and saw the mixer she used to whip up birthday cakes? Were you reminded of fun weekend mornings sitting in front of the TV watching Saturday morning cartoons with a big bowl of your favorite sugary cereal in your lap? Were the memories associated with your childhood kitchen mostly positive? Or did remembering that space conjure up uncomfortable moments... tension from family arguments, binges done in secrecy, feelings of hunger as you riffled through cupboards that were perpetually bare?

How do you feel about the kitchen in your home now? Is it a welcoming space? Do you enjoy spending time cooking and preparing meals there? When you entered your kitchen and tuned into your feelings, did any particular emotions or associations come up? Is your pantry well-stocked? Do you have food security? Do mostly nourishing, or pleasure foods fill your cabinet shelves? Do you own plenty of cooking appliances to make the task of preparing meals easier? Do you own pretty dishes to serve your meals upon? Or do you have a hodge-podge of plates, cups, and eating utensils leftover from the many places you have lived or that have been handed down from others? Do you enjoy spending time in this room of your home? How does your kitchen compare to the one of your youth? Take some time to jot down your observations in your journal.

Discussion and Homework:

Our kitchens are the heart of our home and they play an important function in our lives. This is where we come to nurture our bodies. However, it is not as rote as putting fuel in a gas tank. There are strong psychological associations with the eating experience. In order for meals to be satisfying they need to be nurturing on both physical and psychological levels.

Take 20 minutes to design the kitchen of your dreams. Incorporate the best of both your childhood and current kitchens into your design. What kind of ambiance would you like your kitchen to have? Do you want it to have a down-home cozy country feel? Or would you prefer a bright sunny space with a big window to look out into the yard and plenty of greenery to lighten up the room? Do you want all the latest kitchen appliances? Or do you prefer cooking tools that are reminiscent of days gone by where meals were lovingly prepared by hand? Do you prefer a gas or electric oven? What kind of dishes and silverware would you like to own? What kind of decorations would you hang on the walls?

Let's not forget the food! What kind of go-to staples would you always have on hand? Would you prefer your kitchen to be full of whole foods or convenience foods? What fresh foods would you buy and where would you shop for them... at your local grocery store, or perhaps the farmer's market? Is dessert a must in your home? What kinds of sweets and treats would you be sure to have available? This is your dream kitchen. Design it with your needs in mind. Maybe you want to keep a box of Lucky Charms available. Sure, you know they are not the most nourishing cereal but they were your favorite when you were a kid. You'd like to keep a box handy for when the mood strikes once in a blue moon, green clover, or purple horseshoe and nothing else will do.

Take the time to plan out your kitchen, paying attention to detail. Envision a space that would nurture both your body and soul. After you write up your plans, you may even choose to draw a picture of your dream kitchen.

The next part of this exercise is to recreate this kitchen to the best of your means and abilities in the here and now. You may not be able to do a complete remodel or purchase all new appliances, but you can infuse your current kitchen with the spirit of your dream cooking space. You could brighten up the walls with some new decorations or a fresh coat of paint. You could purchase attractive place settings to make your dining experience more pleasant. You could toss out the old mixer that no longer works and pick yourself up one in perfect condition at the thrift store to make the task of cooking a little easier on you. You can also renew your kitchen with a good old-fashioned top to bottom cleaning followed by organizing the space so it is user friendly.

It doesn't take much to bring a certain sparkle and shine to what was a lackluster room. Small touches can have a big impact. Even something as simple as changing the light bulbs to create softer, warmer lighting can completely transform the vibe of a space. It's amazing how adding some personal touches to a room can make it feel more cozy and inviting.

It also becomes easy to get too wrapped up in the pursuit of health. We have to remember that pleasure is an important part of well-being. What are your comfort foods? Do you have any in your kitchen? If not, maybe it is about time you do. Allow yourself to have foods handy that you enjoy for the sheer pleasure of them.

Step by step create a kitchen that more closely resembles a space you feel nurtured and restored in. You will be amazed at the effect this has on how you nourish yourself with food. Enjoy your renewed space!

Happy Holidays from, "Through Thick and Thin"

Happy Holidays from our, "Through Thick and Thin" family, to yours. Wishing you a holiday surrounded by those you love and the making of memories that will warm your heart for years to come. May 2010 bless each and every one of you with many reasons to celebrate life.

"Love Your Body Through Thick and Thin" Workshop, Week 37: Exercise - Do It

Pull out a piece of paper and make a list of all the physical activities that peak your interest. What have you wanted to try? This could be anything from taking a salsa dance class, to kayaking, or something as mundane as running. Challenge yourself to see how many options you can come up with. As you list your activities you may notice fear or resistance come up. That's OK. Let the resistance simply be and continue to compile your list. Allow 15 minutes to complete this portion of the exercise.

Select one of the activities from your list and visualize yourself engaging in this experience from start to finish. Picture yourself getting ready. What are you wearing? Imagine yourself beginning the activity. Notice your surroundings and the sensations in your body. How do you feel? Is this a solo activity, or are other people involved? If your chosen activity requires teammates, how do you interact with the other players? Are people watching you as you perform this activity? If so, how does their attention make you feel? How do you feel emotionally and physically when the activity is over?

Again, give yourself 15 minutes to write down your observations from this visualization work in your journal.

After Writing:

Read your journal entry out loud to yourself. Can you envision yourself participating in your chosen activity? Does the prospect excite you? Or if you felt resistance, what came up for you? Was it fear, a sense of inadequacy, or a rigid adherence to perfection that makes learning new skills a daunting task? In your visualization were you able to see yourself executing this activity with a sense of sureness? Or did you see yourself fumbling, falling, hurting yourself, or stepping on your dance partner's toes? If there were other people around, were they supportive? Most importantly, did you have fun? Or did the experience feel like a chore and you were relieved when it was finally over? Would you like to try out this activity in real time?

Discussion and Homework:

Physical activity is an important component of self-care. Not because it will help you get six-pack abs, a high-round booty, or drop some lbs. It is essential for a state of vitality and wellness. It helps to provide an outlet for stress. It can strengthen your core and back, thereby relieving a great deal of common pain complaints. Exercise conditions your cardiovascular system and is a proven method for reducing your risk for disease. It also alleviates mild to moderate depression, improves mood, increases libido, and ups your chances of a quality night's sleep, all while raising self-esteem and providing a feeling of personal empowerment. It feels good to care for yourself in this way.

Watch kids. They know that movement does them a world of good. It is a pleasure that takes up much of the time in their day. As adults, we get chained to our desks. We get used to decompressing by plopping down on the couch in front of the TV. It's not often that we get much movement from the neck down. No wonder back pain is a number one complaint! There is truth to the adage, "A body in motion stays in motion." A body with too much rest atrophies.

From this moment forward, make a commit to yourself. Be willing to explore pleasurable activities and find out what you like. If it isn't fun, it doesn't count. The reason why so many people do not get in regular exercise is because they have come to view it as a duty and not a source of personal enrichment. If you don't love it, you won't do it. You will never be able to make fitness a life practice when it is activity bogged down in rules and obligation. Do what you love and the rest will follow. With this mindset, you will look forward to this 'me' time. It won't just do your body good, but your mind and spirit too.

In my own personal experience with fitness I have gone through quite an evolution. I used to believe that I was a gym rat. I was always pounding out the weights or taking a cardio class. I never really thought about whether or not I enjoyed any of the time I spent in the gym. This is because I was largely hung up on the results. Exercise was something I did to make my body look better. Over time, I have learned how distorted this focus was. I also have come to view it as the reason why I was never able to commit to a life practice of caring for my body through movement. When your sole motivation is to slim down or look better naked, you will find your motivation fizzling out rather quickly when it comes to exercise.

Since I have released the physical goals and instead have decided to focus on feeling good and creating a foundation of self-care and wellness in my life, my experience of exercise has shifted greatly. I never go to the gym anymore. I feel very confined in that space. Most of the people there are focused on chasing a body ideal and that atmosphere doesn't feel supportive or nurturing to me. I find the cardio machines, tedious... the lugging of weights, boring. It doesn't excite me and I just want to get it over with. Why would I continue to participate in activities that drain all the pleasure from the experience for me? I came to see that not only was this unsupportive, it was also demoralizing.

I created space to think about what interested me. I looked back to my childhood and called to mind physical activities I had always enjoyed for the sheer fun of it. When it came down to it, my list was pretty paired down. I love all forms of dance. Dance is my passion and I can spend hours getting lost in this movement because of the sheer joy it brings into my life. I have been dancing ever since I could walk. Dance is very much a part of me, so this is a no-brainer. I also love yoga in all its forms from power yoga and ashtanga, to hatha and regenerative yoga. This form of movement provides me peace and grounding in my mind, body and spirit. It feels so good, it often reminds me of getting a massage from the inside, out. It works out all the kinks, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I love to swim and go to aqua aerobics when the weather heats up because it reminds me of the fun I used to have as a kid during the summer. I literally grin from ear to ear in my aqua aerobics class. I love the upbeat music and sense of play. It doesn't feel like work to me. Although, I know it is giving my body lots of love through its cardiovascular and strength focus. I also enjoy the challenge of hiking... being surrounded by fresh air, blue sky and nature's artistry. I bask in the feeling of completeness when I reach the top of the mountain. For me, it is a metaphor of the inner journey. I also love to go on walks with my friends and share quality time and conversation.

These are the activities that I enjoy. Since I have taken the time to think about what really makes me boogie, regular fitness has become a part of my life. It is something that supports me on all levels and infuses my life with passion and joy. Isn't this what it should be about?

For homework, start exploring some activities you think you may enjoy. Choose something that interests you... something that looks fun. Over the next week and a half of December, move your body purposefully at least three times. This doesn't mean that you have to get three sessions in a week for the rest of your life. These are not absolutes. What I'm encouraging you to do is to open your mind to discover what regular enjoyable movement can do for you, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Try it on for size throughout this next week and a half. Simply be open to the experience and write in your journal about what you discover. How does it feel to care for yourself in this way? Challenge yourself to acknowledge the deeper benefits of the experience and see what comes forward for you.

With the information gleaned from this experience, create a practice of movement in your life. It's OK to start nice and slow. In fact, I highly recommend you take this approach. Take it easy. Listen to your body and allow it to set the pace. It is important that you exercise patience with yourself. This becomes even more true if it has been a long time since you engaged in physical activity. It's better to err on the side of caution than to jump in with gusto. There will be plenty of time and opportunity to hone your skills and build on your successes. There is no rush. Nor is there anyone to compete with. You don't have to be an expert the first time you try something new, or even the second, third, or fourth time for that matter!

If you are someone who enjoys company, see if you can get a friend on board to join you in this exploration. Be mindful however, that what works for you may not work for your friend. The same applies vice versa. An activity that is fun for your friend may be an exercise in futility for you. Keep the channels of communication open and together you can support one another in this exploration. You may even discover that you have some common interests. That can be a great bonding influence in a friendship. In this way, you can support one another in finding what gives each of you true pleasure.

Once you get used to moving again, decide how much is right for you. Take an honest look at your schedule and obligations. What are you willing to do to make fitness a regular part of your life? How can you free up time and space for this self-care? I would like to suggest that you make a manageable commitment to yourself and agree to feel it out for a month and see if it is a match. A reasonable commitment would be to get some movement in three times a week. Try it out. See how it feels. Nothing is static. If you find that this is too much or not enough for you after you give yourself some time to feel it out, you can always make the changes necessary to make it a fit for you. There is no 'right' or 'wrong' way to incorporate movement into your life. Some may discover that simply building more movement into their day by walking to errands or spending less time sitting in front of the TV is where it's at for them. The point is to give this practice some time to show you how it can benefit you. A month is a fair trial period. Within this time frame you will be able to feel the effects of a regular fitness practice.

Own your decisions. Rely on your internal guidance to direct your fitness course. In the end, it's about doing what you love on a level that is best for you and that meshes well with your lifestyle. Enjoy your exploration!

Every 'Body' is Sacred

I came across this mandala and it caught my eye. It was not the striking colors or design that drew me in, as beautiful an image as it is. What really struck me was the diversity of body types in the sacred images. I thought it was a potent reminder that every body is sacred. If we could carry this reverence inside our hearts what a different world it would be.

I am fat

yes, you heard me. Fat is an adjective that can be used to describe me. Here are some more adjectives that can be used to describe me:

Funny, amusing, clever, wise, attractive, friendly, creative, warm, sexy, sassy, active, intelligent, helpful, knowledgable, hardworking.

here are some adjective that I am NOT
Smelly, lazy, useless, stupid, careless, ugly.

I am fat and beautiful.

"Love Your Body Through Thick and Thin" Workshop, Week 36: Exercise - Think About It

Transport yourself back to your high school PE class. Visualize the surroundings of this old stomping ground. Picture yourself in your gym clothes. See your fellow classmates and your PE teacher. Call to mind one physical activity that you used to do in this class. It could be a game like dodge ball, or a sport like track and field. See yourself participating in this activity and note your surroundings. Are you outside in the fresh air, or confined to the gym? How do you interact with the other students? Is there an audience watching your performance? How does it feel to be participating in this activity? How do you feel when class is over? Allow 20 minutes to write in your journal about this experience and the feelings it brought up in you.

After Writing:

Read your journal entry out loud to yourself. What did this writing exercise stir up in you? Did you notice any feelings of insecurity about how you looked in your gym clothes? Did you lack confidence in your athletic performance? Did you try to talk your way out of participating in certain sports? Did you ditch PE altogether by cutting class? Were you always the last one picked for group activities? Were you the teacher's pet and athletics was the one area in your life where you could really shine? Were you always the last to cross the finish line in relay races? Was there a spirit of support amongst your classmates, or did you more often run into ridicule in your PE class? Did you fear getting physically hurt when you participated in certain sports? Did you enjoy trying new activities, or did you experience fear because you doubted your abilities? What was your PE teacher like? Did they give you encouragement, or only add more insult to what was already a challenging experience for you? Did you have fun, or was gym class something you dreaded?

Discussion and Homework:

Many with food and body image issues are not particularly fond of sports. This is largely due to the level of body consciousness experienced around physical activities. Not everyone had the body of a cheerleader, or the chiseled physique of the school jock. All too often, attempts to get involved in physical activities were met with teasing and not encouragement. In fact, amongst those with eating dis-ease, most attempts at physical fitness throughout their lives were made in the name of a slimmer silhouette, or to build a rigid idea of the 'beautiful' body. Exercise was something we did to make our bodies look a certain way... 100 sit-ups a day for washboard abs, countless hours of cardio to trim the fat. When looking at physical fitness from this angle, it's no wonder so many people dislike exercise! Activity based on self-hate is never going to be rewarding.

This week for homework, think about something physical that you actually enjoyed as a kid. Think outside the box. This doesn't have to be something you did in PE. It could be lazy summer days spent stomping through the creek, feeling the wind caress your face as you rode your bike around town, playing tag with the neighborhood kids, swimming with your friends, jumping rope, or playing hopscotch. If you observe children, you will see that they are highly active beings. It's almost as if they have so much life energy they need a physical outlet for it. Somewhere in your memory bank there has to be something physical you enjoyed doing as a child. When you come up with an activity write about the experience. How did it feel to move your body in this way? What did you enjoy about it? Express your thoughts and feelings. We will build more on this information in next week's workshop. Stay tuned...

Who are you trying to please?

I have been asking myself this question a lot lately.

I mean if you really think about that and look at each person that means the world to you and they each have their own "vision"of you. This person likes my hair this way, but this person likes it this way. How do you like visualize your own hair Jamie?

I've been working really hard at this new layer of body image struggles. I have excepted myself at the size I am. I am no longer going through each day worrying about wanting to fit in the next size down. I know I can't live each day and be happy trying to be some one I am not. I need to be happy who I am today. My smile and my personality will over power it.

This passed weekend hubby was talking about Beyonce (spelling?) and how he says she is a full figured woman. I disagree with him. It was really a funny discussion, he was googling all these singers and actresses names and getting body stats on them. I kept trying to tell him that I guess it all depends on who's standers you go by. The fashion world probably do consider her full figured where she really is average sized. But if you look at her from the average person in the world she looks healthy. His point to me was that she looks healthy and how he thinks it's disgusting when you can see girls ribs and bones sticking out. It was cute listening to him we were agreeing but he still had to have his say how sad and disturbing the fashion world is.

I am completely comfortable with my body with my hubby. He has always told me that it doesn't matter how much I weigh. He has never made me feel fat and I have never been embarrassed even when I was at my heaviest 260lbs. So I have never felt pressure to try and shape myself into something for him. So why the heck would I do that with others!

No more I am taking a stand and I am pleasing myself I am doing what makes me happy and I will wear what makes me feel good and it's ok to feel sexy even at the size I am because size doesn't matter. What matters is that I am learning to feel like me, to bring out the person that seldom pops out and say this is who I am!

I'm not out trying to get my face on the magazine or in a movie. I feel bad for those actors and singers and people in the spot light. Because who cares if so and so is at a healthy weight and looks perfectly fin in a bathing suit and some jerk with a camera zooms in blemishes that you wouldn't see unless you were that close. Come on let them live and be happy. They do a great job entertaining they get paid for the movie or the concert when it's time for them to be at home they aren't paid and they shouldn't have to live worrying about all the eyes that will see their personal life on the magazine. I give big thumbs up to all the celebs who take a stand and say this is me and I am happy to be me the way I am!

This is just one of many more layers to work on and this I think is a real important layer to work through. I am going to please me! I have only to remind myself of the unconditional love of my hubby and my kids and all the other people in my life that love me I can be me and be happy and please nobody but myself!

Love the one your with

Through out his passed year I have been in a cycle. I feel like I am on to something and make wonderful progress in my emotional healing and things seem to balance out pretty good, oh but then flop and the balance is off and I am struggling to get balance again.

Life is always changing, stress from this and that. Last April I made a big life change on my end. I was a stay at home mom for 5 years and I decided to step back out into the world and get a part time job. I worked at Home Depot for 3 months then when my mom and aunt could afford to hire me back on (I worked for them before kids came along.

So while life changed I started working balance was off. The 3 months I worked at HD wasn't long enough for balance to even out. So Bigger flop when I switched jobs and yes I was working pt for my mom but my hours and days were different. Change wasn't just big for me but for my family as well.

It's so weird how after all this time things are just starting to click into place. This is what I have been needing to pay closer attention to.

The passed couple of months I have notice another flop and couldn't really put a finger on my flop. Silly me because it always come down to self care. Shannon and I always seem to be fallowing along and going through similar flops at the same time. She has said over and over again same as I that we let our self care go. (I know there are more of you out there)

I have to share this I think opening up a bit will be another step in the right direction and help me move along. I'm just gonna open up whats been going on mostly just the passed couple of months.

I'm not going to go into what set me off on my flop but I want to focus how I have been handling myself. Because when it comes down to it it's all about how you are coping with what ever life throws at you.

I've been feeling overwhelmed and lots of pressure. I haven't been turning to food, as I am a recovering emotional eater, but I haven't been loving myself and honoring my body the way I should be when you feel like you alone and have so much responsibilities.

It's ok to read but I have been abusing that instead of food. I would shove my nose in a book when ever I had a free moment and if the kids were content. My sleep pattern was off, yes because I was up purposefully late reading yet again, when I knew the book was going no where. I get up at 4:30am get to work for 5:15. Can you guess what my first action is? a coffee! then because I had the coffee, which I fully know will take away hunger for me, but then about 8 or 9 I am starved! but now I am working the shop is open I don't get breaks like at other jobs. I am alone until my mom or aunt comes in, the book keeper is in with me for a little while but not long. So any meals or snack I have are right there behind the counter, not in some breakroom with out interruption.

Of coarse the quickest thing to grab would be if I remembered to bring something from home like a bagel or some cereal, other wise my choices are of what we have at the shop the convenience store. We all know what yummy non filling stuff that is and how it makes you feel if you eat it. So knowing that I wont eat the danishes and lil debbie snacks I will munch on a small bag of baked chips or grab a small packet of peanuts. But I also have been hearing an old voice from 11 years back another program I have done similar and based on IE where the woman says it's ok to surpass hunger. Well that morning my hunger pans went away when I drank my coffee. Now that my hunger is back and the option I have isn't what I want yes there were days where I would choose another coffee then drink some water, or I would wait till I got home after 1:30 am.

Then I get home and because I have been at work I want to just crash on the couch and enjoy some time while my two youngest and one of the kids we babysit are napping, I don't always get to enjoy that time cause some time there is no nap time or it's done by the time I get home. The dishes weren't done and there's papers and junk mail all over the kitchen and I still have yet to had my lunch. So lets see what I can eat that lil prep and I wont get frustrated because the house is such a mess and feel guilty about it.

Some times it's a sandwich or a bowl of cereal. My choices are way better that they would have been in the passed, but there have been days where I would choose just a hand full of wheat thins and cheese. Nap times done and time to get my oldest and the other kid we babysit off the bus and do snack time, kitchen still a mess! Kids are all up and causing more messes and want my attention. More guilt cause I don't have the energy or the patients to want to do things with them.

Supper comes along and I managed to empty the dishwasher and load some of the dishes really wish I had a cook!

I am well aware of all these choices I make each day and I have also over eaten on purpose. There have been a couple of nights in the passed couple of months at dinner of one of those days where I would be so hungry and over ate because I just had it! I would eat to fullness maybe a bite more just to feel something, a reminder over eating that isn't healthy and your eating pattern and lack of self care is not healthy. I am sick of doing this to myself. I am sick of hearing now and then oh you didn't eat that much today Jamie, oh maybe you will lose a little bit of weight. AHAHAHAHAHA!

Getting out of this as any other rut you can make doesn't happen over night, especially when it had been happening on and off through out this year.

Yesterday morning as I was getting ready for work I was going through all the thoughts I had after talking with Shannon and the song Love the one your with came into my head, I think that's the only line of the song I can remember but the toon and those words just popped into my mind.

It doesn't matter how much weight I have released on my journey I would have reached this place in my journey because it all has to do with how I am coping when things are off balance. You are with yourself all the time isn't it time to remember to love the one your with? Not just people who are around you but yourself as well.

So thank you Shannon for such wonderful talk! I think you'll be seeing more of what has come from it through out the forums as I work things in my head.

My main focus is making sure I am happy and healthy. It was a big wake up call when I reminded myself Jamie your kids are always watching you, it never really occurred to me that they are learning how I cope and how I handle myself in stressful times. Time to work on the self care and I know I am not alone in that and TTnT is the place to help get me through it.

"Love Your Body Through Thick and Thin" Workshop, Week 35: Making Mistakes

Picture yourself in your day to day setting. You could see yourself at work, at home, at school... somewhere that you spend a large portion of your time. Now imagine yourself engaging in a routine task that you normally do in one of these settings. You could be giving a presentation, preparing the family dinner, or writing a term paper. See yourself making a mistake. Perhaps you lose your place in your presentation and create an awkward moment of silence as you try to regroup your thoughts. Maybe time slips away from you and you burn the meal you were planning on serving your family. Or it could be that your teacher hands back the rough draft of your term paper and it is covered in red ink clearly outlining all the errors that need to be corrected.

How do you feel when you make a mistake? Are you able to learn from the experience, or does it stick with you as you replay the incident in your mind over and over again? How do you react when you make an error? What do you say? What do you do? Pull out your journal and take 15 minutes to describe the scenario you visualized from beginning to end. Be sure to pay special attention to noting your feelings about the experience. Keep your pen moving until the allotted time has passed so your subconscious thoughts and feelings can emerge free form.

After Writing:

Take a moment to read what you wrote out loud to yourself. How does it feel to be imperfect? When you made the mistake were you able to let it go by laughing it off, or did the experience eat away at you? Did your error lead to a put down session where you beat up on yourself? Did the experience provoke any imbalanced eating behaviors? Did it make you want to binge, purge, or starve yourself of food as punishment because you felt insecure and inadequate? Did you notice judgment surfacing in the form of verbal jabs such as...

• "You're so stupid!
• "Why can't you ever get anything right?!"
• "What's wrong with you?!"
• "You're a loser!"

If this negative self-talk did surface, try to pin-point whose voice that really is. Is it a parent, a lover, a friend, a boss, a childhood teacher, a sibling? Self-hate is a learned behavior that is passed down to us. The beauty is that because it is a learned behavior, you can also unlearn it. Thoughts are just things and they can be changed.

Step outside of yourself for a moment and imagine someone you love making a mistake. How would you react in that situation? Would you hurl insults at your loved one calling them an idiot, pathetic, or a failure? Or would you simply shrug your shoulders, give them a hug and say, "Oh well, that's life. Nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes. It's no big deal so chin up"? Like those you love, you are also human and prone to errors. Making mistakes is part of life. If we never made mistakes, we would never learn. Our emotional and spiritual growth would be stunted. See if you can give yourself enough breathing room to allow yourself to be human. This life experience doesn't require you to be perfect in order to enjoy the ride. Let yourself off the hook.

Discussion and Homework:

This week, I encourage you to engage in a little experiment. Allow yourself to make three deliberate mistakes. I'm not suggesting that you do anything major. You don't have to overdraw your bank account, run a traffic light, or take any other action that could lead to serious repercussions. Let them be small, inconsequential errors. Purposely misspell a few words in one of those Christmas cards you send out. Wear an outfit with clashing colors. 'Forget' to put on one of your earrings. Spill that glass of water on the table. Grant yourself the space to have these experiences and notice your reaction. Let this to be a lesson in forgiveness. The more you are able to forgive yourself, the more you will be able to extend that same kindness toward others. As you can see, it's a win-win situation.

Many who have a disordered relationship with food and their bodies are afraid to take risks in their lives that could lead to great happiness because ultimately, they fear falling flat on their face. It is the perception of failure or aversion to being anything less than perfect that holds them back from deeply engaging in life. Taking risks also carries the weight of potential mistakes. However, it is important to remember the point raised earlier. If we never give ourselves the chance to leap and make those mistakes, we never grow. Our lives become stagnant and stale in the name of a false sense of safety and security. Is having an unfulfilled life worth keeping up appearances? In the end, a life without mistakes is a life unlived.

It also bears mentioning that if we hold ourselves to such an unrealistic ideal of perfection we will struggle greatly on our path to healing. There will be many times throughout your journey to recovery that you will fall down. If you are afraid of making mistakes, chances are you will stay down and not move forward toward wholeness. If you can develop a practice of forgiveness, you may fall, but you will get back up, dust yourself off and live to learn another day. In order to be fully committed to making peace with food and your body, you also have to be willing to make mistakes and receive the lesson they have to offer.

Later this week, pull out your journal and write about your experience with this exercise. How did it feel to allow yourself to fumble? Let this exercise sow the seeds of loving kindness. Learn to make mistakes, glean the lesson from them and then move on guilt-free. Doing so will give you the longevity you need to stay centered on your healing path.

"Through Thick and Thin" December 2009 Community Challenge: Honoring the Sacredness of Your Healing Journey

This month's community challenge is about honoring your sacred healing journey. Initially, many who come to the path of intuitive eating do so primarily for superficial reasons. They want to look and feel their best. Having exhausted every diet option they figure it can't hurt to try something new. However, those who have been on this journey of exploration and discovery for quite some time know all too well that the nurturing well of this approach runs deep. In the end, it is not really about the food or achieving the holy grail of weight loss. It's also not about conforming yourself to match society's rigid beauty ideal. It's about recovering your authentic self and creating a life of meaning that supports you mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. It's about developing a life practice of self-care...

• Respecting your body by nurturing it with foods that provide both pleasure and a sense of vitality.
• Moving your body in ways you enjoy because it infuses your life with a spirit of fun.
• Allowing yourself to feel and own your emotions.
• Reconnecting with your spiritual self by excavating your passions and allowing their pursuit to shape your life with meaning.
• Releasing the need to blame everything that isn't working in your life on your body and instead choosing to step back into your power by deeply engaging in your life and its creation.

At the end of the day, none of these acts of self-care are undertaken with the intention to achieve the body ideal. We provide ourselves with this care because we deserve to be loved and cherished. We are worthy of the respect this care provides. What it essentially boils down to is feeling good inside and out. Each of us can have this state of fulfillment in the present. We don't have to put our lives or dreams on hold while we chase an elusive size that may never be ours to claim. We can have a ripe juicy existence brimming with purpose regardless of whether we are fat, thin or somewhere in between.

It can be difficult to release the focus of wanting to be thinner, curvier, more muscular, more something that you're not. For those struggling to release this focus I would like you to ask yourselves, who decided that you are not simply sublime just the way you are right here and now? The fashion magazines? Hollywood? The diet industry who wants to capitalize on the state of body dissatisfaction that they helped breed in the name of profits? Where does your opinion fit into this picture? Maybe it's about time it does.

Moving against the current of society's beauty ideal is like swimming upstream. If you take the proud stance of reclaiming your body regardless its size, you will meet with resistance. You will sense it in your social circle and amongst family members. If you are a larger individual you will experience resistance at every doctor visit. Your physician will rattle off their admonishments for you to lose weight in the name of health. Admonishments which by the way, have very little basis in fact and are more a sign of prejudice for diversity. Health care professionals listen up... there is more than enough room for all shapes and sizes in this world. Being a larger person is not equivalent to being unhealthy. Subversively, you will encounter resistance every time you turn on the TV or flip through the pages of a magazine.

It's important that as we take these potent steps to reclaim our bodies that we reconnect with their sacredness. When we come from an emotional space of honoring the healing work we are doing by courageously owning our bodies no matter their size or shape, we offer ourselves support that is hard to come by in a world that prizes thinness above all else. This month remind yourself of your sacredness by creating a healing altar to serve as a symbol of your intention to love and care for yourself always.

Your healing altar will become a living reminder of the commitment you have made to yourself. It will act as an anchor when the seas of life grow stormy. Every time you see your healing altar you will remember your dedication to never diet or harm your body again. You will feel fortified in your mission of self-love. It will focus your attention on the true work at hand... the reclaiming of your whole authentic self... mind, body and spirit.

Your altar doesn't need to take up a lot of space. It can simply occupy a shelf or small tabletop. It can even be a shoe box that you fill with symbols that are personally meaningful to you on your healing journey. You could also select a piece of jewelery that symbolizes the intention of the healing work you are doing. Every time you wear it you will be connected with your purpose. Creating that sacred space for yourself could be as simple as carrying a special stone in your pocket. Your altar can be portable. As you carry your sacred space with you throughout your day you strengthen your roots on your healing path.

If you decide to go for the full bells and whistles, think about what healing means to you. As you ponder this, take all thoughts of altering your body's appearance out of your mind. Try to capture the feeling. What would it feel like to be healed? What does wholeness mean to you? What life would you live if you had no concern about your body and felt at peace, comfortable in your own skin? What is the highest vision you have for yourself? Let the answers to these questions guide you in creating your altar.

Place on your altar symbols of your intention. An example would be a rose quartz heart to symbolize self-love or a candle you can light regularly to represent the awakening of passion in your life. Be sure to include pictures of your present self. You can even open yourself further to creative flow by making a likeness of your current body out of clay. Make a home for this image of your present body on your healing altar. Every time you see this figure you will remember what a sacred gift your body is. Also make sure to include photos of people in your life who love and support you in your healing work. Having this visual reminder is a powerful tool for staying connected to the purpose of your journey.

Let your healing altar become your sacred space. Spend a few quiet moments before your altar each day to reflect on your path of peace. Feel how good it feels to end the war with your body. As you grow and evolve, so will your altar as new meaningful symbols are added that reflect the person you are becoming. Every time you connect with this special space you have created you will be dedicating yourself to your healing while honoring how far you have already come.

Elaborate or simple, large or small, permanent or portable, there is no right or wrong way to create your sacred healing space. Turn within and create what is meaningful to you on a soul level. May it remind you always of the precious jewel you are.

"Love Your Body Through Thick and Thin" Workshop, Week 34: Taking Risks

All of us have things we have wanted to do in life that have been put off out of fear or insecurity. What is fear holding you back from experiencing? Take 10 minutes to compile a list of all the things you have wanted to do but put off because you were afraid to step out of the box.

Review your list and pick one item to focus on for this exercise. Go on an inner journey. Close your eyes and imagine yourself taking this leap of faith. What does it feel like to put yourself out there and take this risk? Visualize yourself going through the experience from start to finish. What feelings come up inside of you as you prepare to try something new? What sensations come over you as you go through the experience? Do your feelings shift at all? Does it become easier or more difficult to engage in the activity? What thoughts run through your mind while participating in this new activity? How do you feel once you have made it to the other side of this experience? How does it feel to face your fear and walk through it? What have you gained in the process?

Allow yourself to visualize going through each phase of trying something new. Once you have a clear idea of what this experience would be like for you take 15 minutes to write in your journal about the feelings that surfaced.

After Writing:

Read your journal entry out loud to yourself. What did you learn about your beliefs surrounding taking risks? How did it feel to move out of your comfort zone and try something new? Were you scared, insecure, frustrated, or excited? Were you able to visualize yourself going through this experience from start to finish? Upon completion did you see yourself as successful? What did you accomplish? How did it feel to challenge yourself to step into new terrain and come out the other side shining? If you weren't able to see yourself completing the activity, what do you think the obstacle was? What's standing in your way? Did fear stop you dead in your tracks? Are you more afraid of success or failure? Were you concerned that you might let someone down if you failed so found it easier to throw in the towel? Did guilt surface that you might leave a loved one behind in the dust if you allowed yourself to be successful? Has 'failing' become a co-dependent way for you to maintain a sense of connection in your relationships?

Even if you were not able to see yourself completing the task, in no way does this define you as a failure. When you make the effort to explore new things you open yourself to the lessons that only experience can bring. Each time you take this emotional risk, you learn a little more about yourself. How can this be a failure? Demonstrating willingness is always a sign of success. Every lesson learned marks another step taken on your healing journey toward wholeness. Note in your journal the observations that came to light through this exercise.

Homework:

Many with eating dis-ease have a low tolerance for risk. This dysfunctional coping mechanism keeps us stuck mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. Food and body obsession siphons our creativity and occupies our time, preventing us from injecting energy into the areas of our life that could lead to fulfillment. Instead of seeking a career that is meaningful, addressing our relationship issues to establish healthier connections, or taking the steps necessary to improve our sense of security, we distract ourselves by blaming our bodies for everything that isn't working in our lives.

Eating dis-ease is often overlooked for the disruptive force that it is. When it comes down to it, your relationship with food has nothing to do with eating too little or too much. It has everything to do with providing a brilliant distraction from directly engaging with life. As you heal, you will find that more time frees up as the obsession falls away. It is common for people to experience boredom at this point in the healing process. Try re-framing the experience. You now have the opportunity to explore uncharted waters by nourishing other areas of your life. This entails you take a certain level of emotional risk by having the willingness to try things you have never done before.

It is a leap into the unknown and this is exactly what makes the experience feel so frightening to so many. The defenses are set aside. You allow yourself to be vulnerable and relinquish control. In all honesty, you will probably always come up against a certain level of fear or nervousness when trying new things. However, you gain courage by walking through these experiences. Courage is all about facing your fears. Someone who is brave does not feel an absence of fear. They feel the same anxieties and insecurities as anyone else. The difference is that they are willing to face their fear and allow it to transform them. They take the risk of directly encountering their fear for the blessing of the gift that waits on the other side of that experience. They know that each time they allow fear to be their teacher they step more into their power. The freer they become.

In fact, I will share that in my own experience of valuing fear as a great teacher I have been shown time and time again that the greater the fear, the greater the blessing of growth for facing it.

Look at your list and choose two risks that you are willing to take this week. Don't pull out the big guns. Make this an approachable experience. Start with the risks that seem less daunting. You don't have to quit your job and relocate across country or make any life-changing alterations in your relationships. Think baby steps. Start small by doing something like wearing form-fitting clothing on an outing if you are used to covering your body up with baggy clothes. Order something from the menu of your favorite restaurant that you have always wanted to try but weren't sure you would like. How will you know if you never try? Get a new haircut or take a dance class. It doesn't have to be something that makes your knees buckle, but make sure that it does feel a little risky. If you feel a bit out of your element, you are on the right track. Those greater leaps of faith aren't going anywhere. As you step more into your power by putting yourself out there you will gain the courage to take on those bigger risks down the road. You can build up to that.

After you take your risks, share the experience with someone you trust or even with the, "Through Thick and Thin" community. It's important to celebrate your successes. They are a gift that offer valuable insight to everyone they are shared with.

Happy Anniversary, "Through Thick and Thin" Forum

Can you believe it?! The "Through Thick and Thin" forum just had its one year birthday. Last year, we launched our support forum on Thanksgiving day. I'm amazed to see the way our community continues to grow and evolve. We've accomplished a lot in the past year and look forward to sharing the healing message of intuitive eating with an even wider audience in 2010.

I would like to personally extend my gratitude to each and every one of you who follow the, "Through Thick and Thin" group blog and all the members of our support forum. Thank you for your many contributions and for making this such a special place. We look forward to continuing on this healing journey with all of you. If you have never checked out our support forum, stop on by and have a look around. Come on in, put up your feet and hang out for awhile...

http://throughthickandthin.myfreefourm.org

Here's to another fabulous year!

"Love Your Body Through Thick and Thin" Workshop, Week 33: A Day Without Obsessing About Food

What would it be like if you were at total peace with food and your body? What would it feel like to be completely comfortable in your own skin and to eat without concern? Imagine that this is your reality now. Paint a picture in your mind of being at home in your body. In fact, you like your body as it is right now in this moment. You also enjoy food. It's a pleasure in your life, but you aren't fixated on it. Food does not consume all your thoughts. You have too many other things in your life that interest you and captivate your attention to have the mind space available to obsess about food. You eat when your body tells you that you are hungry and savor the experience. You eat whatever you like without worry. When your meal is done, you move on to other things. You are no longer a prisoner of food and body concerns. Imagine taking yourself through an entire day without worry about food or the appearance of your body. How do you spend your time with this focus lifted?

Pick up your pen and write in your journal about what a day without food or body obsessing would be like. Allow at least 20 minutes to express yourself in writing. Keep that pen moving until the full time has elapsed.

After Writing:

Read your journal entry out loud to yourself. What insights came to light? Was your day different without the burden of food and body obsession? In what ways? Did you find there was more time freed up to focus on other areas and interests in your life? How did food fit into the equation? What kinds of foods did you choose to eat? Did you have meals, or were you more of a grazer, snacking throughout the day? Did the way you related to other people shift? What changed about the way you personally view yourself? How did you feel at the end of the day? Were you happy, at ease, content, or did you feel tense, frustrated, or agitated? If you had to wake up tomorrow and go through a day like this, without the focus being on food or the size of your body, would you look forward to the experience, or would you anticipate the day with dread? Take a moment to note in your journal any observations that came up through this line of questioning. It can provide potent information about your relationship with food and your body.

Discussion and Homework:

Many who struggle with eating dis-ease find it difficult to imagine what it would be like to experience life without this influence. Food and body obsession acts as a very effective distraction from the real issues in our lives. Even though it is painful to live life constantly focused on food and our bodies, it also provides a certain level of comfort. There is a familiarity which allows us to feel a sense of safety, even though it is dysfunctional. We are used to worrying about the foods we eat and feeling insecure about our bodies. We know what to expect if we continued to move forward in life with the focus on food and body image. Having to shed the false control of this coping mechanism would mean we would have to step into the unknown. That can be frightening.

It's important to understand the way our eating dis-ease serves us. Only then can we learn to better support ourselves and fulfill our true needs in healthier ways. Change is scary for most people, even when it is in our best interest. However, if we aren't willing to change we will only have more of the same. In order to free ourselves, we have to bolster our courage so we can take the emotional risks necessary to embrace the new.

Releasing the focus on food and body does not mean that you suddenly have to become a superhero. It does not entail that your life now look 'perfect'. There is no obligation to live up to. You don't have to be financially successful, have the dream relationship, become a health nut, or spiritually evolve. Many who obsessively focus on food and their bodies find it very challenging to simply be human... flaws and all. It's common for those with eating dis-ease to hold themselves to the unrealistic standard of perfection they have established in their lives. Life can't all be a bed of roses, but this is the fantasy that many with food or body struggles have. If their life doesn't live up to that image, they believe they are somehow 'bad', or a failure. This is the all or nothing mentality at its core.

It's vital that we begin to understand that we are all human beings doing the best we can on planet earth. Each of us are unique. We all have talents and struggles. Perfection is not required. Life is not a contest, but a continual learning experience. Having this high level of rigid standard is a lot of pressure for a person to live with. If we look closely at this, it becomes very obvious why food and body obsession makes such a brilliant distraction. Rather than placing the attention on questioning our beliefs, releasing the quest for perfection and moving toward an emotional space of acceptance, we find it easier to allow food and our bodies to be the fall guy. What we eat and the size of our bodies takes the brunt of blame. We don't have to look at the ways we feel unfulfilled in our careers, our relationships, our very lives. Instead, food and body becomes the source of everything that isn't working in our world.

Many of us have probably seen this all or nothing mentality play out in our lives. We are either dialed-in... getting in those regular workouts, really in tune with intuitive eating, signing up for a laundry list of classes, volunteering our time and energy at multiple charities, participating in every extra-curricular activity that comes our way, holding down multiple jobs... or doing absolutely nothing.

I welcome you to try being human on for size. Tend to responsibilities, but don't take on more than you can realistically handle. It's acceptable to say no to the things you don't have room for in your schedule or simply don't desire to do. Explore one or two hobbies you think you may enjoy, but don't feel like you have to do everything to be an accomplished person. You will never be able to be all things to all people. You will never be able to satisfy everyone, make them happy, or guarantee that they agree with you. You have to understand your limits and practice establishing boundaries in your life because in the end, it is not about food or your body. It's about learning how to care for yourself deeply and also how to cope with the challenging aspects of life in more balanced ways. It's crucial to develop new coping and stress-management skills.

A good place to start is to begin by showing up for yourself. Seek balance in your life. Moderation is a healing practice, not only in terms of how you feed your body, but in all areas of life. Rather than constantly shooting for the brass ring of all or nothing, trying aiming for the happy in between.

Choose a day this week to bring this experience into reality. On this day, live as if you feel completely at peace with food and your body. You are not concerned about your body size. You don't care how much you weigh. You aren't the least bit worried about how the foods you eat will affect your physical appearance. Release that control for one day and see what it feels like to experience true health... a health that is embodied when you live free and at peace. Everyone can have this experience. It can be a reality for you, no matter your size or shape. Give yourself the gift of this experience this week and then write what you learn in your journal. You may enjoy this day of freedom so much that it becomes your new way of life.

Happy Thanksgiving!

The team at, "Through Thick and Thin" would like to express our gratitude to each member of this community. It's the people who gather here that make this such a special place. Thank you for sharing the journey and your hearts. May you and your loved ones be blessed with good times, good laughs and good food this Thanksgiving. Hand over the keys if you have too much bubbly and make sure friends and family do the same. Let's make it a safe and happy holiday.

Owning My Healing Journey

I am guilty of being the author of many a lengthy post and this piece will be no exception to the standard of length-ism that I have presented here in the past. I have a lot I need to clear from my emotional space. I want to begin by saying that this is extremely vulnerable territory for me. It's taking every ounce of my courage to open up about what I have been struggling with, but I feel it is very important that I share my experience authentically... the good, the bad, and the down and dirty ugly of it. I know that each one of us faces challenges on our paths to wholeness. There may be some of you out there right now who are facing difficulties like me and maybe... just maybe... my sharing will help someone out there reading this know that you are not alone.

I have been an intuitive eater for about four years. I have felt very solid in my recovery from eating disorder. It had been many years since I had binged or fallen into the old coping mechanism of abusing food and my body. In the process, I have released some weight along the way, 70 lbs. to be exact. However, I have been stuck at my current size for about a year. I am a plus size woman. One thing I recently realized is that it is very easy to trust yourself and this process when you see yourself slimming down. It's when the physical progress comes to a screeching halt that the real work begins. I had begun to get the feeling that maybe this would be my final resting place in terms of my body size. Perhaps, after all the years of abuse and neglect my body needed the insurance of having a more ample form. I had mixed feelings about this.

I knew there was nothing more that I could do. I eat when hungry, I tend to favor nourishing foods, I always set a place for awareness at the table, I eat until satisfied and I move my body in ways that give me pleasure and enjoyment. Returning to a life of diets, restriction and deprivation has never entered my mind... not once... even in the face of this year-long plateau. Since I turned away from that way of life four years ago, I have had no desire to return to that way of being. I know all too well it is no way to be. It seemed rational to assume that if I am taking care of my body, listening to its communication and respecting its wisdom, that I have to also make peace with the size my body chooses to settle at, even if that size is larger than I had hoped for.

Moving into acceptance in this area has proven ultimately challenging for me. To say that my body size does not affect my physical health or well-being would be a gross understatement. I cannot claim that my body size does not limit me in any way. On the contrary, I feel the impact this extra weight I am lugging around is having on my life every day. In recent months, the toll exacted has been confirmed through medical testing. I have quite a few health issues on my plate, many of which I am told by my doctor are directly related to my plus size. That's quite a bitter pill to swallow. It also puts me in a delicate position. On the one hand, I know that health is my most valuable resource. Without it, I have nothing. Yet, on the other hand it is very difficult for someone with a history of eating disorder to navigate those waters without triggering old tendencies. It has taken quite a bit of effort on my part. I can't say I have always been successful staying balanced. I have to keep conscientious focus every day to maintain some level of equilibrium and sometimes, it is more than I feel capable of handling.

This has caused a rather sticky question to begin to formulate in my mind. How do you trust your body when you are facing health challenges that in large part would be remedied by shedding a few pounds? Mind you, I'm not jumping to these conclusions on my own. This is what I have been medically advised to do in order to recover my health. While it's true that new research points to the fact that weight does not have the impact on health it was once thought to, this only applies to the mass majority of people who fall in the mid-range of being either at a healthy size or a bit overweight. Those at the extreme ends of the scale who are either severely underweight or morbidly obese absolutely experience health ramifications in direct relation to the extra weight, or lack thereof, they are carrying around. This knowledge has put me in a tight spot.

Every time I go to the doctor it seems I am diagnosed with another health condition. I have seen a definite downward spiral in terms of my physical well-being. Each visit, I receive the same recommendation... that most of these issues will resolve themselves as I shed the excess weight. Yet, here my body is stuck, not budging so much as an inch. It's as if my body is defiantly standing its ground proclaiming that it will take up as much space in the world as it damn well pleases. I feel trapped in limbo. It has become a very frustrating state of being for me.

As I have faced these health challenges I've had deep emotions surfacing. A lot of old gunk is coming up in my consciousness to be cleared. I understand that this is part of healing. The deeper you dig, the closer you get to the roots of your relationship with food and your body. You begin to tap into those core issues. The veil is lifted and it finally becomes clear why you have abused your body and used food as a coping mechanism. With clarity I have discovered that food, body obsession, all the years of dieting, starving, purging, and restriction have proven an effective distraction for me. It has insulated me from facing the painful reality that is currently hunting me down and demanding recognition. To gain this insight has proven invaluable.

I now understand that the eating disorder and obsessive focus on food and body is my coping mechanism. This knowledge has guided me to ask the right questions in the moment that fat feelings, binge cravings, and mental designs to 'eat healthy' surface. I see now that when these thoughts arise it is because something in my environment feels overwhelming to me. Engaging in the food and body thoughts is my way of clamoring for control. When I had that realization it hit me over the head like a ton of bricks. Now when these food and body thoughts bubble up, I know it really has nothing to do with any of that. It has to do with me feeling overwhelmed, threatened, unsafe and in need of control. I have begun a practice in these moments of asking myself, "What's really going on? What are you feeling? What do you need? What lies behind the mask of these food and body thoughts?" It has proved an illuminating experience. I feel I am coming to a greater understanding of why I have these issues and what I can do to take steps to care for myself in a healthier way.

Food used to provide me with a reprieve. It gave me a timeout from whatever I was struggling with, albeit temporarily. If life felt like it was closing in on me, I could always manipulate my body by denying myself food, exercising compulsively, or adhering piously to the latest diet to regain the illusion of self-mastery. If I wanted to check out completely I could induce a food coma by binging into the night until the only feeling I was left with was one of self-disgust. Sometimes it felt easier to feel self-loathing than it did to encounter the truth of what I was experiencing emotionally. None of that works for me anymore. I know because in the past couple of months my latent eating disorder tendencies have become reactivated.

It began with me transferring these urges to gain control into the area of my work. I was burning the candle at both ends and running myself into the ground. This is not the first time in my life that I have used overwork as a coping tool. I worked myself into a state of complete burnout 13 years ago when I had recovered from my most severe tangle with anorexia and bulimia. I didn't have the disorder to fall back on and work became my new channel to express that need for control. Recently, in light of the health challenges and deep emotional muck that is surfacing, I began to feel overwhelmed. It's kind of like a runaway train. You can see that it is about to careen off the tracks but feel helpless to do anything about it. I started to work... hard. I began to overextend myself by taking on way more obligations than I could realistically handle. Inside my heart, I knew that I was heading into imbalance, but I didn't really understand the root cause of what I was doing. It was a bit like getting caught up in this tidal wave of energy. The pull was absolutely all-consuming and though I tried to set limits for myself, I was struggling to keep my head above water. I kept taking on more and more, allowing obligation to gobble up every ounce of my free time.

I now see that what I was attempting to do was to fill every empty space. In those empty spaces you are left with what is real. In those quiet moments you touch upon the truth. You feel everything so directly. I felt emotionally unprepared to experience the raw feelings surfacing in me. Work and obligation became my new way of coping. One problem though... it did a lousy job. I could still feel everything. I couldn't check out the way I used to and now I had the additional pressure of being overextended and spread too thin.

As my attempts to block out my emotional reality with work failed, I began to fall back onto my old coping mechanism of putting the focus on food and my body. My eating disorder resurfaced and grabbed me unexpectedly by the throat. It began with ignoring my hunger. Work facilitated this brilliantly. I would notice my hunger and put it on hold as I addressed what I convinced myself were more pressing tasks. I would tell myself that I would eat after I finished the writing piece, after I made that important call, after I had the business meeting... always after... an after that never came. There were days that went by where I ate little of anything. I didn't have to really look at what I was doing because I could use the excuse of my packed schedule. "No... I'm not slipping back into anorexic tendencies. I've just been really busy. I'll try to pay better attention", I would tell myself. This went on for a period of weeks.

As you can imagine, denial of nourishment can only be handled for so long and soon I swung wildly in the other direction. I began binging on a daily basis. Once again, I found myself sitting in front of the television, tuning out with food. I knew better. It is recommended that those who binge pay attention to where their binges most often occur. These are seen as hot spots... areas where you are particularly vulnerable. In healing binge eating disorder it is advised that you should avoid having meals in your hot spot. My spot is on the couch, in front of the TV. This is the only time that I binge. In fact, I have never experienced a binge in any other location.

I want to note that I was completely aware of what I was doing. I knew that I was putting myself in a compromising position by eating in front of the television. I knew how easy it would be for me to disconnect from what I was doing if I was distracted by the TV. I was conscious of the fact that I could take a moment, invite awareness in and avert the binge, but I chose not to. That's how strong my desire for self-preservation was. I think this is the crux of why I abuse food. It is my way of creating some sense of safety and comfort for myself when I feel that I have more than I can emotionally handle before me.

This behavior went on for almost two months off and on. At times, I would stabilize and return to intuitive eating and the principles of honoring my body. At other times, the dis-ease would erupt like a volcano under too much pressure, needing to blow to experience release. In my moments of lucidity, I wondered what the point was. In the past, I received some benefit from using these coping mechanisms but now, I found no relief. It didn't help anymore. All of those latent emotions continued to awaken. I could no longer escape my feelings through artificial distraction whether by using food, my body, or work as my outlet. It was completely ineffective. I realized that the only way out was through. I need to learn new ways to cope. I must invoke my inner strength to face 'what is' so I can treat the roots of imbalance.

I took some bold steps to secure my healing and I want to share them with all of you for anyone out there who may be struggling with these or similar issues. I needed the security of a plan of action because I felt that things had spiraled so out of control. The first thing I did was admit that I needed some additional support. I reached out for help. I connected with an eating disorder support group in my area so I could obtain counseling as I navigate this difficult passage in my journey. It was a big scary step for me to admit that I need help, but I'm proud of myself for taking that emotional risk. I see it as a sign of strength, signalling how far I have come in my healing journey to know when I need reinforcement.

I also wanted to share my struggles with all of you in the, "Through Thick and Thin" community. I have long believed that sharing our experience authentically is an important part of the healing process. In matters of healing, the ego gets in the way. I knew that in expressing my truth, I would find support amongst others in our community. I also believe it can help others feel safe in coming forward to share their challenges. I didn't want to keep this locked inside of me like some dirty little secret. That was the old Shannon who let her shame keep her imprisoned. I've come too far to go back into hiding in that dark place. It was important for me to let others in and to share from my heart.

My next course of action was to simplify my life. I let go of several other online communities I was involved in and even closed my Twitter account. I freed myself from obligation so I could have more time to focus on nurturing myself during this sensitive time. That was probably the most difficult step I had to take. I felt a lot of insecurity about it. My negative beliefs came forward big time. In my imbalanced thinking I ran through limiting beliefs that releasing these obligations meant I somehow couldn't measure up... that I wasn't good enough and had failed. I know that these are distortions with no basis in truth, but they were the feelings I grappled with. However, I congratulate myself for moving through the discomfort of that space to take the actions necessary to secure my healing.

My eating has returned to the intuitive eating basics. I've nixed noshing in front of the television. It's too easy for me to disconnect. I believe it is of the utmost importance that I stay very aware and present right now. The binges have ceased. I have returned to taking timeout from the impulse when the remaining holdover urge strikes. As always, creating some time and space between me and the pull to binge has proven effective. I have started to use those timeouts for self-care in an effort to retrain my brain to associate coping with stress in a more balanced manner based in nurturing and self-love. I made a list of all the activities I enjoy that provide me with pleasure and comfort. If I feel the urge to binge, I select three activities from my list and give myself the space to indulge in self-care, rather than food. It has proven a far more effective way to cope. It feels good to be learning these new skills.

I've also made sure to make honoring my hunger a priority. Rather than putting my hunger off, I now stop whatever I am doing and tend to this need. Everything else can wait. I have to take care of myself first. This theme of self-care has been echoed in my decision to not attack or blame my body. Every day I make time to do something pampering for my body whether it is giving myself a massage with a luxurious body butter, relaxing in a mineral bath, or treating myself to a nourishing face mask. It is my way of conveying that I am worthy of love and care no matter my size.

I've also decided much as I did four years ago when I started this journey, that it's time to release concern about my body size. Through the binging over the past couple of months, I can feel that I have put on some fluff. The funny thing is, I don't feel upset about it. I understand that this condition is temporary. My body will balance it out when it is ready and feels safe to let go of some of that fleshly security. There is no point in fueling negativity. I did the best I could to take care of myself. My efforts may have fallen short, but I can now learn better ways of coping. I'm in the process of developing life skills.

In order to truly heal I have to let go of the physical goal and trust my body to guide me to a place of wholeness. In fact, my sole focus at this time is to be very aware... aware of what I am feeling, how I care for myself, the ways I choose to cope and how I expend my energy. It's been a difficult passage and I have more work ahead of me. I'm thankful that I have the opportunity to continue forward in my journey and that I have such a wonderful group of people in the community here at, "Through Thick and Thin" to share the experience with.

Thank You

Hello Community,

I am on the mend from my tangle with the H1N1 virus. I continue to take it easy as I recover my full energy, but it's wonderful to be able to reconnect with all of you. "Through Thick and Thin" is such an important part of my life. This community is very dear to my heart and I miss you when I am away.

Don't get me wrong... I obviously was in need of a serious timeout. I found that most of the plans I had for my retreat fell to the wayside when I finally granted myself the space to stop. I slept away the majority of my time off and I'm OK with that. Rest is obviously what I needed most. I believe this is why I fell ill right before I was supposed to return to my work here. I can be rather stubborn by nature. Intellectually, I may know what is best for me but sometimes I get ahead of myself in my ambition. Getting the flu was life's way of telling me that I needed more time to sit with myself.

I learned so much from the experience. My intention is to carry the gifts of those lessons from my time away back into my working life. I have much I want to share with the community but will reserve that for another post. For now I want to begin by expressing my gratitude.

Thank you for all of your support. It meant a lot to me to know that I could take time for myself while feeling sure that "Through Thick and Thin" would be in good hands. Not once was I worried about how things were going at the sites. That level of support and security is priceless. I am grateful to all of our members who picked up their presence while I was away to lend a helping hand. Many comment on the rare atmosphere that has been co-created in our community. "Through Thick and Thin" is one of the few spaces online where you can connect with others, come as you are and find complete acceptance and unconditional support. I'm very proud of what we have going on here and it has been made possible by each and every member of this community who upholds the vision of what we are working together to create.

A heartfelt thank you goes out to Susie for encouraging me to take some time off to nurture myself. The insight I gained from the experience has proven invaluable. Having the space to simply 'be', I was able to connect more deeply with myself. What emerged was a clear vision of the changes I need to make in my life to find a balance that supports my well-being and happiness on every level. I had been feeling a strong pull to create space for self-exploration and Susie's timely encouragement proved extremely validating. She helped me see the wisdom of letting go and turning within. For that, I am grateful to you from the bottom of my heart. It takes a real friend to be able to call you on your stuff and to do so with loving kindness. I appreciate you so much for that Susie.

I also want to thank the, "Through Thick and Thin" moderating team, Diane, Jamie, Allison, Judy and Jen. Each of you ladies did a fantastic job. I'm so grateful to know that we have such a strong team in place who cares just as much as I do about the work we do here. In my return I saw the many ways you offered your support and encouragement to our members. I was so impressed by both your level of service and commitment. It felt good to be able to take my hands off the reins and allow each of you to take the lead. Give yourselves a great big hug from me. I value your contribution immensely.

A special thank you is in order for the fabulous JenJam. Having some fresh material up at the group blog was very important to me. I appreciate the way you stepped up to the plate and took that task on. You are a gifted writer and have so much of worth to share. I know that many benefited from reading your pieces. I feel very lucky to have you on our team. You bring something really special to the group in both your presence and ability to share your experience authentically with others. Thank you for the extra effort and for helping me by giving the group blog some TLC while I was away.

I continue to get back into the swing of things and ease myself in while getting over the tail end of this flu. However, I felt it was essential to take a moment to honor each and every one of you for the way you showed up offering your support and care during my time of need. In the spirit of our community you stuck by my side, "Through Thick and Thin" and I thank you.

"Love Your Body Through Thick and Thin" Workshop, Week 32: Nurturing Activities

The further down the path of intuitive eating you travel, the more you realize that it's not about the food or the size of your body. It is about reconnecting with your authentic self and discovering what has true meaning and value in your life. It's a process of waking up to a whole new you, or perhaps one that has been buried for many years. This week's workshop is going to open your mind to exploring the other ways you can feel fullness in your life that have nothing to do with food.

Make a list of at least 20 things you like to do for sheer pleasure that have zero connection with food. Take a moment to ponder the many ways you can find enjoyment in your day to day life. Don't feel pressured to come up with anything elaborate. Sometimes the most rewarding pleasures are the simplest ones. The small things like cuddling on the couch with a beloved pet, or carving out half an hour to go on a stroll through the neighborhood can infuse you with a daily dose of happiness. Start your list with at least 20 activities and in time, feel free to expand your options by adding additional pleasures as you feel so inspired. Give yourself 15 minutes to compile your list.

After Writing:

One thing that has become very clear to me lately is that most women struggle with dis-ease when it comes to food and body image. In fact, it is rare for me to encounter a woman who has an absence of disorder around her eating. We have been programmed to obsess about our physical appearance, our weight, the shape of our bodies, and the foods we choose to eat or not eat. The further I have ventured into my own healing process, the more I have come to realize how deep that programming runs and that while I have achieved a great level of recovery, I continue to have quite a long road to travel, as do most women I know.

I have also learned that there is a real 'us and them' mentality in women that creates a sense of division amongst us. Too often I hear women exclaim that they don't need intuitive eating because they don't have an eating disorder. They view this approach as a path reserved for those who struggle with anorexia, bulimia, body dysmorphia or binge eating disorder. In fact, most women will strongly disassociate themselves from eating disorder by going into elaborate explanation that they can't relate to the anorexic or bulimic. They don't understand what it is like to binge. They can't connect with the idea of looking in the mirror and rejecting their reflection. They may want to shape up and eat healthy but they don't have issues like that. Really? I strongly disagree. I don't sense this separateness. I actually see that collectively, women are in the same boat.

The more I have gotten away from obsessing about food and my body, the more I have come to realize just how much the average woman fuels this obsession in her day to day life. It is impossible for me to hang out with a group of women without the conversation turning into a gab-fest about body size, efforts to shed weight, attempts to eat healthy, what foods are 'good' and which ones are 'bad', and all the ceaseless plans to improve and perfect the physical body. It's actually rather overwhelming. I know that I used to be right there with them giving my two cents. Now I feel somewhat awkward and left out. I don't have the ability to connect with other women on this level anymore.

In my social circle, I am viewed as the woman who struggles with eating disorder because I have honestly and openly shared my experience with my friends. I know they try their best to support me and offer their encouragement. They tell me, "Well, you have to use the intuitive eating approach because you have eating disorder tendencies. I don't have to go that route because I don't have those issues." I don't think they realize the judgment they are making with that statement... that I am somehow defective and in need of special handling with kid gloves. The reality is that I see the same eating disorder tendencies and unhealthy body image in them. They may not be impacted to the degree that I have been affected in my life, but they have their issues. In fact, they are so in the thick of it that they don't even see the imbalance.

All this focus on food and weight is unhealthy. It's not natural. If you feel uncomfortable about the size of your body, constantly think about what you 'should' or 'should not' be eating, look to various diet books to determine the 'right' way to fuel your body, avoid food groups as a way to create a 'healthy lifestyle', exercise in ways you don't enjoy, or find that your conversations tend to revolve around food and body size, you have eating disorder. The reality is that most women do. It is a rare woman who feels completely comfortable in her skin, owns every inch of her and trusts her internal wisdom. As women, we need to recognize our collective wounding and instead of creating division, we need to support each other in exploring new ways of being, interacting, experiencing and moving through the world.

The conditioning that a woman's value is all wrapped up in her physical appearance runs deep. We have been spoon-fed this programming by the media. The message is ever-prevalent and all-consuming. It creates an oppressive atmosphere that negates womankind's potential and stifles our spiritual and emotional growth. It is time we take our power back from these rigid ideals and recognize that we are multi-faceted beings. We are more than our physical bodies. As women, how much of our lives have been wasted on this pursuit? Take a moment and think of all the time and energy you have spent...

Pondering what to eat or not eat...

Planning meals...

Buying and preparing special foods...

Dragging yourself through another dreaded workout...

Trying to squeeze into smaller clothes...

Purging your cupboards and fridge of all the 'bad' foods...

Dishing about your latest eating plan, diet or cleanse with the girls...

Stepping on the scale...

Talking about your weight, your belly, your thick thighs, or ample bottom...

Taking your measurements...

Sizing up another woman's body...

Or imagining how wonderful life will be when you shed the weight.

What do you think would happen if you freed up all that space in your life and instead of focusing on food and body size you payed attention to little ol' you? Like many who come to intuitive eating you would probably find yourself surprised by how much time you have on your hands. You would also likely feel a little bored. This doesn't have to be a boring experience though. It can be a wonderful opportunity to get to know yourself all over again. It's a blessing to have the chance to learn who the authentic you is behind the veil of obsession. She's been silenced for a long time. You are now being afforded the space to invite her to come forward and introduce herself.

What do you enjoy? Do you even know? Have you ever taken the time to ask yourself this question? Don't be alarmed if you have no idea what makes you boogie. Many don't have a clue because they have been distracted by the physical pursuit. Now is your time to get to know the real you. Are you a social butterfly who would thrive off connecting with others through an art class, or are you more of an introvert who requires private time to unwind with a good book? Do you enjoy the outdoors, or do you prefer the beat of the city? Are you crafty? Do you like to make things with your own two hands? What kind of physical activities do you enjoy? Who are the people that lift you up and enrich your life? Do you savor the sweet sublime of meditation? Do you like to play board games? Do you relish hugs? What makes you hum? Get very clear about what fulfills you and over time allow your list to grow along with you.

Homework:

Keep your list in a place where you can view it often and add to it every time you make a new discovery about what gives you enjoyment. Make a commitment to your self-care. Every day make time for one of the activities on your list. I also want to encourage you to take the '15 Minute Method' to the next level. If you feel the urge to binge, rather than taking a 15 minute breather, indulge in three activities from your list and then make the decision about whether or not you are going to choose to binge or not. You may be surprised to discover that the more you nurture the parts of you that have been crying out for attention, the less you will need to rely on food as a coping mechanism or salve. Whatever choice you make is perfectly acceptable. Own your decisions. Only you can decide what is right for you in your life. If you struggle with starving yourself, make the effort to do three of the activities from your list daily during periods that you are avoiding food or under-eating. As you practice caring for yourself in new ways you may begin to establish a sense of safety in nurturing yourself with food.

No matter what challenges you face in your relationship with food and your body give yourself the gift of loving kindness. Move toward self-acceptance, even if you have to do it in baby steps. Reclaim your power to make more supportive choices for yourself. Honor and trust the decisions you make. In the end, only you know what is best for you. It's time for you to turn within and reconnect with your authentic self to determine what that looks like.

Hello Me, I'd like Me to Meet Me

I know the title appears weird but let me assure you I've not flipped. This will be another one of those rambling blog posts but it's something in my head which has been going round and I'd like to get it out there.

Since I gave up diets, I've had plenty of room in my head to think about what I really like doing. Since my late teens I've dedicated a lot of thought and time into pursuing the slim ideal, with no long lasting success. I did once manage to become very skinny, much to the delight of my parents, however I was at the time taking large amounts of amphetamines and on the verge of phychosis, which I'm sure they would not have been delighted about in the slightest.

So - for the first time in my life i feel as if I'm reconnecting with the child in me. I feel as if I've joined a parallel universe where there are no diets and I can find out what that child would have become if she'd just been left the heck alone when she got to puberty instead of being subjected to fat comments and media pressure. The child I was liked to read, she liked her own company but not all the time, she didn't enjoy being in a large crowd. She loved to cycle, to be creative and make things, to paint and to listen to music. She'd make plans and have dreams. She liked to create her own clothes (not always by sewing, sometimes by customisation with scissors and paint) and wasn't afraid to be different. She was shy, yes, but once she got to know you she would be extremely open and welcome you into her world with open arms.

That was decades ago ... I'm nearly 39 now .... and I've noticed a lot of the child me coming back. I create, I cycle, I'm not afraid to be different. Now that I don't have to think about "sensible" eating it's created a lot of room in my life to let in the real me, to let my dreams happen, to let fun flow. I don't worry about "the next size down" or weigh in next week. These things really don't matter to me in the slightest. I'm having a life, the life I should have had before all the madness stepped in. And it's LOVELY!!!! One of the best things in all of this too .... I am no longer thinking about food all the time. in fact, sometimes having to eat is a bit of a bind as I'm busy enjoying myself. Like a child who cannot wait to be excused from the dinner table so they can go back to play, that's me. Other times i like to take my time over creating a meal, which doesn't mean the food only. it's the setting too, the presentation, how the food looks, the plate it's on, table decoration, lighting, music. Sometimes it's just plain fun to eat.

So I've introduced me to me, and I'd like to say me & me are getting along swimmingly! :)

The Dreaded H1N1 Virus

Hello TTNT Community,

This is more a note than it is a blog. My retreat went quite differently than planned. I had all these visions of pampering treatments, restorative time in nature, and spa cuisine, but the reality was far different from what I had anticipated. When I finally stopped, I crashed... HARD.

I spent the vast majority of my retreat sleeping. I was more exhausted than I realized. I learned a great deal from taking this time for me. There is much I would like to share, but I will have to save it for another time when I am feeling better. The day my retreat ended (I kid you not), I contracted the dreaded H1N1 virus and that has been a journey in and of itself. I had to go to the emergency room upon orders from the advising nurse and I'm now on Tamiflu. It hit me hard and fast. This virus is no joke! I have never been so sick in my life.

I'll get reconnected and back into the swing of things once I am on the mend. I just wanted to let the community know why my time away was being extended. For now, I am going to curl up with a cozy blanket, some orange juice and my dear friend, NyQuil. I'll check in when I'm feeling better. Much love to all of you...

My Evening Ritual

Just a short one tonight. I have a new evening ritual. I don't do this every night, but on night where I want a special bit of care. I do this now instead of having that bit of food I'm not really hungry for, or smoking, or drinking a glass or 7 of wine.

I run the bath ... not too cold, not too hot. Sometimes I have a face pack on too. I get in and it smells wonderful ... I but my bath stuff from Lush. Those in the UK will be familiar with the wonderful sweetie shop scents. Surrounded by this scent I spend 30 minutes or so reading my book, relaxing and sipping a drink I have one the side. It could be a cherry juice or a warming mug of cocoa.

Once bath time's over, it's into the bedroom. I've left the nightlight on, as earlier when the bulb was cold I rubbed some lavender essential oil onto it. The room smells calm, tranquil, inviting. I sometimes have a nice body lotion then get into my PJ's. I switch off the nightlight and gaze up at the glow in the dark stars I have on the ceiling as I drift off .....

As a lifelong insomniac, sleep has been something that has eluded me for years. A lack of decent sleep leads me to overeat and indulge in too much alcohol. I am rarely lucky enough to be able to climb into bed and nod off, I envy those who can. This bedtime ritual is one way I take care of myself and overcome my insomnia problem. I'm important and I deserve lovely sleep. Night all xx