Coming Home



I've been doing intensive healing and release work around the past. Letting go... forgiving others... accepting what is... not trying to change it... just letting it be. It has been powerful for me. At times, the emotions I have bumped up against have been so potent, I have thought it might have been a good idea to have a guide for this inner journey. Yet, here I am... perhaps a little bruised and beaten for the wear... but here nonetheless. What I have discovered is that the destination led right back to me.

For the first time in 14 years I have truly released my past. I release it, bless it, and let it go. I trust that what I need to heal and be made whole will be received. As I enter this new year, I pull all my energy back into myself. Everything that is 'out there' in my world is merely a reflection of my inner reality. To see beauty reflected back to me I need to first unearth this within myself.

I have delved deep into my shadow. I have discovered some hidden elements tucked away in dark corners. It's time for me to shed light on these areas... to let the warmth back in to chase away the cold. In the end, I want to feel fulfilled within myself. I can't say I am completely there yet. I have come a long way. I have learned much. The past month has packed one wallop of a punch. I had no idea that I had imprisoned myself in my unwillingness to let go of old shit. I was holding so much inside. To express those repressed emotions was one of the most powerful forces I have ever encountered.

It was as if someone transported me back in time 14 years ago and said, "You were too vulnerable to allow yourself this experience then. You are strong enough to face this now." It all seems rather esoteric, but what I experienced this past month was not simply a release of emotion. It was a reliving of past experiences on every sensory level. In my mind, I keep coming back to the soul retrieval work I had done which is closing now... the circle complete. It involves a true journeying into yourself and that experience, though existential, is extremely tangible... palpable even. In some healing circles it is referred to as a re-birthing process. That's a bit what it feels like to me. It rocked me to my core. The past month is impossible for me to frame with words. In many ways, I'm still coming into myself after this experience. It feels different in here... in this soul of mine.

Through this journey I have learned the wisdom of being present... smack dab in middle of this moment. In order to be here, we can't have pieces of ourselves attached to the past, nor traipsing off in a future yet to be. Those pieces need to be called back so we can stand in our power now. It made me so aware of the need to stay in our experience... to not escape. The escape is an illusion. You can't run from what you repress. It only festers, lingers, grows... building in power and momentum. What we push down... push away... enchains us. It robs us of our freedom. It steals away our peace.

This is spicy work... not for the faint of heart. Support is so essential. This is another valuable lesson I learned. Connect... don't isolate or disengage. It takes a village. I am so grateful that I have a community of people here at "Through Thick and Thin" and in my personal life who truly love me. I have had people show up for me and that is a very different experience than the one I had 14 years ago in my time of trauma. It has shown me the power of connection. This has inspired me even more to ensure that our community serves as a support for all those who may be left alone with such struggles due to a lack of resources or because they are too drawn in isolation.

As I step into 2011 I stand in my own two shoes. I no longer need anyone else to validate me. I am not seeking anything outside of myself, nor looking for answers in another's eyes. I'm coming home right into the center of me. Instead of seeking peace, healing, acceptance, approval, love and validation through others, I am going to find this space of being inside myself. I am the only person I am guaranteed to have by my side for the rest of my life. 2011 is the year of me showing up for me.