The Path of Kindness - ED Recovery Through Self-Care

Self-care is the cornerstone of eating disorder recovery. It is essential to learn new ways to cope in order to move beyond food and body obsession. Notice that I say cope and not distract. The very nature of eating disorder is rooted in disconnection. In order to heal, a foundation of support needs to be cultivated that allows us to feel held through difficulties, while keeping connected to our experience and emotions.

In order to enter fully into recovery, the eating disorder identity needs to be shed so the authentic self can emerge. This requires us to make the long journey from our heads, into our hearts. As we explore our interests and passions, we align with our purpose. When we dare to dream, we discover who we truly are and find our feet firmly on the heart-centered path. Rather than tightening our grip and continuing to cling to the notion that our issues are caused by food or the size of our bodies, we need to recognize that these distortions exist because of a deep call within us for something more meaningful. What our souls really long for is connection and fulfillment. Our eating disorder issues are merely a representation of these needs going unmet.

As we learn to respond through self-care when faced with potentially triggering situations, our reactive attachment to the eating disorder falls away. We find empowerment in our ability to face any issue with a spirit of love and receptivity for the teaching inherent in the experience.

It can be challenging to think of alternatives when feeling overwhelmed. I have found it helps to have some self-care options in mind before stress strikes. Consider the list below tools for your toolbox. The next time you feel triggered, instead of turning to the dysfunction of eating disorder, empower yourself with self-care.

~55 Ways to Nurture Self-Care~

• Go for a stroll in nature.
• Listen to your favorite music and dance like no one's watching.
• Sing your heart out.
• Write a letter expressing bottled-up emotions. Then release the letter by safely burning it, or burying it in the ground as a symbolic act of surrendering the issue.
• Rewrite the story of a painful experience in your life. In the retelling, give yourself the opportunity to say all those things you weren't able to express at the time.
• Visit or call a friend who truly loves and supports you.
• Paint your feelings on a canvas.
• Mold your intangible emotions into something you can see and feel by working with clay.
• Using push-pins chart a course of all the places you would love to travel on a world map.
• Create space to dream.
• Light candles in a darkened room and listen to Loreena McKennit, Mazzy Star, Deva Premal, Mozart, or any music that stirs your soul.
• Breathe slowly and rhythmically into the places you are holding in your body. Notice how the breath dissolves the tension and frees up space for emotional release.
• Experience the healing power of touch. Treat yourself to a massage.
• Slather on a luxurious body butter, sending love to every part of you.
• Slip a bath bomb into the tub and immerse yourself in a soothing soak.
• Indulge in a foot rub with a relaxing aromatherapy oil.
• Get crafty by exploring a creative hobby that has always interested you such as, beading, designing mandalas, woodworking, or knitting.
• Put together a scrapbook that chronicles your journey into recovery. Let it inspire you to see how far you have come.
• Make a vision board. Create a collage to call in your heart's desires.
• Enjoy the silence... surrender your worries to meditation.
• Get all decked out just for the fun of it and treat yourself to a day on the town.
• Find comfort in a warm cup of tea shared with a good listener.
• Light incense and allow its scent to carry your prayers to the heavens.
• Take your pup for a walk. If you don't have a pooch of your own, offer to walk the neighbor's dog.
• Get organized. Sort through your belongings. Collect clothes to donate. Clear out what has served its purpose and is no longer needed. Decorate your abode with some warming touches. Do so with intention, visualizing welcoming in the new as you release the old.
• Go on a road trip. Adventure down new roads. Go where you have never gone before.
• Invite a friend over and treat each other to a makeover. Let your new look represent the true you... the person you are now allowing yourself to be.
• Invite friends over for a slumber party reminiscent of the ones you had as a teenager.
• Write in your journal.
• Curl up in bed for a cozy nap.
• Steep in a jacuzzi.
• Pamper yourself with beauty treat like a facial or a mani and pedi.
• Go on a walk with camera in hand and take photos of the sights that inspire you.
• Head out for a bike ride and explore uncharted paths.
• Take a dip at the local pool.
• Visit the woods or the ocean and experience the grounding energy.
• Make a list of affirmations and read them out loud to yourself whenever you need a boost.
• Leave it all on the mat. Release with yoga.
• Cash in on kisses and hugs from loved ones when you need them most.
• Spend time with your pet.
• Capture your experience with a soundtrack. Put together a mixed CD of songs that describe what you are feeling at this time in your life. 
• Relax with a hot shower. Imagine the water washing away your worries. 
• Browse in a bookstore. What titles are you drawn to? How do you think this speaks to your current situation?
• Head downtown for a cup of coffee and some people watching.
• Visit a museum. Let yourself be inspired by the creative expression of others. What pieces speak to you? What feelings do they provoke? Can you connect these emotions with your current experience?
• Read your favorite book from childhood to remind yourself of simpler times and the magic of imagination.
• Have someone you love brush or braid your hair.
• Punch a pillow to let go of anger.
• Have a good cry. Feel the relief of letting go.
• Pleasure yourself.
• Make a cuddle date with your mate with no expectations for it to lead to more.
• Grab your crayons and color in a coloring book. Feel free to scribble outside the lines.
• Start a gratitude journal. Each night before turning in list at least three blessings that graced your day. When you are having a rough time, read through your journal to remind yourself of how much you have to be grateful for.
• Have a pajama day. Lounge about in your cozies guilt-free and do a whole lot of nothing.
• Treat yourself to a beautiful bouquet of flowers to remind yourself that love begins with you.

Living VS Surviving

I have had quite a week this week! Oh my, I just can't wait till things get back to "normal" again, LOL if there is such a thing. But yes there is, such a thing as normal. It's the day to day stuff, the routine and so on.

Anyways, hubby had surgery on his leg this passed Tuesday (he's doing well). He has been home and resting. My mother in-law so kindly took vacation time so that she could come over and help us out so that I didn't have to take time off of work and us both being off without pay would really have sucked!

I am so thankful for all that my in-laws have done for us. Something's happened to me this week that brought up a LOT of old scars. Well ya know, they aren't so old. They were feelings from back when I was going through starting our family. I had c sections for all 3 of our kids and that required a lot of help from our families.

I may not be the one in recovery this time around but man I was getting a taste of those old feelings. Needing the help this time so I could work. Knowing someone else is doing something at my house for my kids and family. Like folding my laundry! Oh my, ya so anyways. I calmed myself down because I hated the anxiety I was causing.

Looking back or shall I say, feeling back to how I used to basically live in those days it really occurred to me, I wasn't living I was surviving. I was getting in my own way, allowing my head to get clouded with twisted thoughts. Thoughts that I was a failure and incompetent as a person, a mother, a wife and everything else I was supposed to be.

I know none of that was true and isn't, I am so excited that I see this now. This time around I am looking around and seeing with an inner eye and not just these two eyes that people can see. I don't know how else to describe this but just seeing things in a whole new light. The more I get in my own way, the more I struggle. The more I struggle with my anxiety and mood swings, ya know, the ripple effect.

Living VS Surviving keeps popping into my head. Asking is this living or are you just surviving?

Surviving is being too afraid of the fire and just wrapping myself in layers. The layers mean so much protection. Always a reason for those layers. But where is the comfort? Where is the warmth and ambiance of the fire?

Fire is not just about surviving, it's about living! It's about using the fuel and adding to it. But if the chimney is blocked there is no out for the smoke and ya, that just makes a mess of things. You can't enjoy the fire and no matter how many layers you add the smoke will get you.

I choose to live! I choose to continue my journey and release these emotional layers I have been holding so tightly to. There living is surviving but having fun while doing it. It's about adding yourself to the picture and now putting myself on the list of life. I want it. I want to live and I want to have fun. I want my dreams man!

A Cautionary Tale

Lately, the girl in this picture has been howling, moaning, wailing from the pit of her soul... mourning for her death... calling her spirit back from the land of the forgotten. The girl is me. 

This snapshot was taken at the crossroads. A place in time when my life was hanging in the balance... teetering on the edge. If I had felt the presence of love and support, I may have been able to guide myself toward the light of freedom. Unfortunately, I was left alone to fight a battle it takes an army to wage. I quickly lost grasp of my lifeline, surrendering to anorexia. 

I write this piece from my heart. I write this piece for the nameless souls who have been abandoned. I stand and fight the good fight for those who have been stripped of their voices. I write this piece for my true loves... every brave soul taking the courageous stand to free themselves from the clutches of eating disorder. I write to give your pain expression for it is a pain that has been my travelling companion for most of my life. I write because I will not be silenced or shamed. It is time for my voice... for all of our voices... to be heard. 

At a time in my life when I desperately needed compassion and understanding I was discarded like so much trash. There are no words to express the wounding that was inflicted upon me. The words escape my lips just as the help I so direly needed escaped me in my darkest hour. It is my hope that by sharing my story I can encourage others to hold the light for those still walking through the shadow. 

When this photo was taken I was serving time in my own private hell. The pain I felt was unbearable. It took the sheer force of brute will to make it one day to the next. I was alive, but something inside of me was already fading away into the blackness. I knew of no other way to survive than to sever myself from all feeling. Enter Ana... 

Anorexia is not about being thin or fitting in with the 'it' crowd. Anorexia... any eating disorder really... is about cutting yourself off at the neck. It is about disconnecting from your body where your emotions are held so there is a sense of control over feelings that seem so threatening. It is a way to survive the pain that acts as a double edged sword, helping the individual to cope ineffectively as it also seals one's fate. 

When someone is struggling with eating disorder there is a profound sense of shame leading to isolation that crowds out all sources of connection and support. How loved ones show up for the eating disorder sufferer can make the difference between life and death. This is why I share my tale. So that others may learn from the harm that was cast upon me. 

This is my experience. I have let the ghosts of the past haunt the corridors of my soul for too long. I am ready to free this apparition so it may find peace in the Great Beyond. It is time for me to have my life... myself... back.

I have struggled with anorexia since the age of 11. The major events of my life have been marked with relapse. Usually relapse was brought on when life careened out of control due to mounting heartache and pressure, leaving me overwhelmed. Since I have always been the person to show up for others, I had adopted the facade of being the 'strong' one. The person who could take it... keep shoveling it in. 

In fact, this is a very common attitude for eating disorder sufferers. They don't believe they can trust anyone. They don't feel loved. They don't feel emotionally held. As a result, they adopt the steely stance that they don't need anyone. They can handle whatever is thrown at them on their own. We all need someone. 

As the individual becomes more and more isolated, shame begins to breed and spawn. Soon the only one the sufferer can trust is ED. This won't make sense to an outsider. How could it? Friends and family feel washed in confusion. How could the one they care so deeply for see self-abuse as a viable option? It is because of the sense of containment the eating disorder provides for the struggling individual. Suddenly, with ED in charge, emotions don't feel so threatening. The world doesn't appear so looming and large. There is the seduction of self-mastery. A cynicism takes hold convincing the eating disorder sufferer that everyone else is oblivious... they don't have a clue... only ED gets it. 

Sadly, most do not know how to show up for the person ensnared in eating disorder. The condition travels further down the spiral while loved ones sink into dismay. To help prevent another from being left alone the way I was I am going to share a cautionary tale for all those who love someone who is fighting this battle. This tale illustrates what not to do. 

I was 23 at the time and worked as a manager in a record store. For all intents and purposes, it should have been a carefree time in my life. It was anything but. My boss was extremely abusive. He sexually harassed me and when his attempts to woo me left him empty-handed, he would call me into the back office to degrade me... hurling every obscenity at me in the book. He humiliated me by following me out on my breaks and tearing me apart in front of the other employees and shoppers at the mall. I had made every attempt to get corporate heads to address this matter, all to no avail. My finances were extremely tight and I was struggling to make ends meet. I couldn't just up and quit my job. I was seeking other employment, but nothing was coming through. 

I was also dealing with personal issues. I was nursing a broken heart and dealing with volatile situations that were pushing every last one of my buttons. The ground was moving beneath my feet. There was not one area of my life that was not impacted at this time. My whole world was caving in around me. Everything I believed in... everything I held dear... everything that carried meaning for me... was being systematically stripped of me. The pain became too much for me to bear. I fell back into a relapse of anorexia because it was the only way I knew to create a sense of safety for myself. 

As the weight began to slide off my body, I received lots of attention and praise. Everyone wanted to know how I was doing it. This was like giving me a treat for doing a trick. I had always been so desperate for approval. To receive this admiration only stoked the fire of the eating disorder. I became more deeply entrenched. What started out as starving, existing off little more than coffee and cigarettes, soon became a deadly cocktail of wasting, purging, exercising for hours on end, diuretics, and laxatives. It was the worst case scenario in recovery terms. I'm a statistical oddity... a miracle. By all accounts I should be six feet under. 

The more weight that dropped, the more gushing approval came in. I became addicted to the feeling of being accepted, even though it was a false acceptance. I was not being valued for who I truly am. I was being exalted for fitting into society's norms... for emulating the images on fashion runways and Hollywood red carpets. I was being celebrated for a facade. The real me slipped further out of view... bound and silenced. 

As my situation became more desperate the divide widened. Soon, gone were the accolades, replaced by mean-spirited jeers, teasing, and taunting. My co-workers nicknamed me Karen Carpenter and were having a good laugh at my expense. They chuckled that someone must have put a gypsy curse on me as in Stephen King's "Thinner". I was labeled as weird... a freak. It's all fun and games until you are at the roulette table gambling away your life. Even though I was wearing my pain like a suit of armor for all to see, no one extended a hand to help. Instead my suffering was met with mockery. My shame escalated driving me deeper down into the abyss. I felt threatened... unsafe... and my devotion to Ana grew. 

Ana was always there for me. 'She' didn't tease or chide. 'She' let me feel in control as my whole world was sliding off the map. That was a hell of a lot more than I could say for most people around me at that time. I did have a couple people who clumsily reached out to me. At least they showed they cared. Although it may not have seemed to make a difference at the time, it was those few souls who helped me survive the unsurvivable. May the blessing of their kindness return to them a thousand fold. If you get anything out of what I am sharing it is this... 

Reach out and connect with the eating disorder sufferer in whatever way you can. Do not worry about falling short. Worry instead about doing nothing or worse yet, inflicting cruelty. The only way you will fail your loved one is if you keep them in isolation. As long as you use compassion as your guide, you are making a difference, even when this is not readily apparent. 

I hit bottom at 85 lbs. I had been vomiting large amounts of blood daily. My organs were sliding into failure. My cognitive functioning escaped me. In this state of desperation a small still place inside of me reached out for help. It was a last ditch effort. My call for help was met with ridicule and rejection. 

I remember feeling as if I was slipping away after I hung up the phone. I buried myself under my blankets, curled up into a little ball. Time was suspended as I lay still... barely breathing. Hours must have passed before I made my way to the bathroom. 

In that moment, the veil was lifted. I tore off my clothes and stood in front of the mirror naked, taking in my true reflection... an image that had eluded me for months despite the concerned comments of a select few. In that instant, I saw the ravages of anorexia on my body. It appeared the Grim Reaper had already arrived to claim my soul. Skin and bones... nothing more. A casing of a woman who once was... a little girl gone lost. The harshness of the image awakened me. I sunk to my knees on the cold linoleum and there I rested in the fetal position for three days solid, mourning the death of the girl I once knew. A part of me died that day. A part I have only reclaimed in recent months. 

I should have been hospitalized, put on a heart monitor and feeding tubes. Someone, anyone, should have given a shit. That was not my experience. Three days was all I had to pull myself together. I went back to working my 12 hour shifts while I sucked up the merciless humiliation heaped upon me while others laughed gleefully at my demise. My pain was a joke. My life was a joke. I was the punchline of a cruel joke only I wasn't laughing. 

There is no way to capture the level of disconnect this created within me. I froze up inside. The only way I could survive was to lock away the old me...  steeling her away to a secret passageway in my soul. 

I recently retrieved the key to my prison and set myself free. I have been processing the rage, shame, and deep grief that I have numbed myself from experiencing for 14 years. I have allowed myself to sing my soul song... to belt it out with a warrior's cry on the path of redemption. I have called my soul parts back across the valley of the exiled. I have mended what was once severed, making me whole. I am in ownership of myself... my power returned. I will never be that broken girl again. Nothing can touch me after walking through that fire. No one can harm me because I will never abandon myself again. 

During the period of my last stand with anorexia, I wrote a poem expressing the pain of being discarded and taunted during my time of great need... 

~Jaded~
By, Shannon Elsom

You smiled...
And I felt the knife turn within my breast
The pain was not present for myself...
Nor for all my afflictions endured
But for you...
The lonely one
Smiling like a Cheshire cat

Oh, the soft lies we sell...
To make the simple so complex
Did you not know that plastered grin had cracked your mask?
Seeping through the facade...
A trail of tears that spread like the horizon
Making your smile appear more the frown
In my eyes 


If you or someone you love is struggling with eating disorder, please, reach out for help. Call in professional support. You can find assistance by contacting NEDA (The National Eating Disorders Association)... 

http://www.edap.org/ 

This is a situation that calls for outside help. For the sake of the one you love, please don't attempt to carry this on your own. 

Recovery happens and it is worth every step taken on the path... through all the tears, the rage, the grief. I stand present, a woman who has crossed the divide. I must say, the grass is greener on the other side. Don't give up. Life is worth it. Beauty is everywhere and that beauty is within you. Home is where the heart is and it resides in your soul. I will hold a light through my living example that everyone who struggles with eating disorder will find their way back home.


"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." ~Plato