Through Thick & Thin

It's Official...

2011-05-01T22:25:00.000-07:00

Follow Your Heart... Let Your Spirit Fly Free

We have launched the HerStory social network

Come join us...

http://makingherstory.ning.com/

"Gather the women... Save the world" ~ Jean Shinoda-Bolen

Making HerStory!

2011-04-15T01:06:00.000-07:00

The Team proudly announces the imminent launching of our social network. That's right... out with the old, in with the new. We will be moving to new and improved digs. The current forum and group blog will be scrapped. This change has been a long time coming. A lot of what has held us back has been financing. Well, the Team has decided it is now or never. We are going to take a leap, trusting that the abundance needed to keep this community growing and evolving well into the future will manifest. Sometimes, you have to dig deep, summon your courage, take a risk and just go for it already! In a big way, we are following our hearts. We will no longer let fear hold us back.

The current format has not been working for the full scope of our vision for quite some time. In essence, it has limited us. We have become affiliated with "Intuitive Eating" and promoting the visions of others, when really we have our own message to share. We have dreams and we dream big.

We've known for a long time that no one overcomes food and body obsession by putting more focus on the particulars of what, when, or how to eat. Nor does fixating on body size serve any meaningful purpose. We heal by reconnecting with our heart's desires. In doing so, we reclaim ourselves and find inspiration beyond the obsession. This bold act of defiance against all the 'shoulds' we've been sold launches us into the potential of limitless possibility. Through exploring what we find personally meaningful we discover the hidden treasure of fulfillment. The need to disconnect from our experience falls away, along with the eating disorder mentality. This allows us to become who we were born to be... strong, capable, empowered, brilliant women who are a force to be reckoned with.

We will not insult your intelligence. You do not need to be told what to do. You can determine what suits you best. You do not need a set of guidelines to direct your course. The compass is found in your heart. Life is an open book full of limitless possibility. You write the script.

Our dream is to empower women to be the change they wish to see in the world. We hope to inspire you to reclaim your lives, your dreams, your hopes, your passions, your purpose... Your Self. We want to see empowered women passing on the message of selfhood to young girls. Through mentorship our girls can grow up with the knowledge that they are more than a body size or some narrow definition of beauty. They are a spark that can grow into a flame that will set the world ablaze. United, reminded of our sisterhood, we can be that fire of transformation. It is time.

Now, don't get us wrong. We love men, but feel called to focus our energy on lifting up women. Women need this so desperately. We need a place of our own where we can remember our bond... where we can connect, network, encourage, and support one another in sharing our unique gifts with the world. Men who love women will be more than welcome to participate in our community. No one seeking genuine support and connection will ever be turned away.

One thing that is often missed when the topic of beauty comes up is the way these ideals have driven a wedge between women, creating an air of competition and division amongst us. When we are divided, we are disempowered. Wouldn't it be amazing if women stopped playing into media's hands? What if we stopped comparing ourselves to each other to determine how we measure up? What if we looked into our hearts to discover our self-worth instead of turning to the doctored images in fashion magazines for validation? What if rather than body-bashing and judging one another on the superficial basis of homogenized beauty ideals, age, ethnicity, or social background, we instead united as women, celebrating the perfection of diversity? Can you imagine what it would be like to truly support each and every woman in being the amazing being she was born to be? How incredible it would feel to truly honor each other's unique gifts and encourage one another to share our meaningful contributions with the world! Let's stop playing into the hands of those who would like to keep us down. Let's remember our sisterhood.

Our community is going to go to the next level. Of course, we will continue to support you in taking the very best care of yourself physically. We will cover topics that have drawn you to this community like body image and leaving the misery of restriction behind. We will also go beyond this limited scope. You are more than a body. You are more than a pretty face. You are a multi-dimensional woman. Many of you have forgotten this truth. We are going to help you remember just how magnificent and powerful you truly are.

It was important to us to mark this next chapter in our evolution by christening our community with a new name. While the idea behind "Through Thick & Thin" has served us well, it is time to release this old image and redefine ourselves. Our community has always been about coming together to share our experience with one another. It is through sharing our stories that we grow and heal. One thing that each of us has in common is a story. Every woman has one. We also have the power to rewrite the story of our lives to more accurately reflect who we are coming to be as we reconnect with our authentic selves. We choose the plot, the cast of characters, the next chapter to be written. For this reason, we are marking the transition to the new social network by renaming our community...

HerStory

We all grew up learning about history in school. What about herstory? We feel it's time for women's voices to be heard.

The new network will become a hub that connects women from all over the world. Each member will have their own page where we encourage you to share what is meaningful to you. We hope you will take this opportunity to highlight the work you are doing in the world. What causes are near and dear to your heart? What dreams are you brewing? How do you wish to share yourself creatively? This is your space to introduce yourself and your unique contribution. It is also a place for you to intimately connect with your sisters all over the globe, fostering a true sense of communal spirit.

Additionally, the new network has the ability for members to form groups so you can connect with other women who share your passions and interests. We will have a forum that is more streamlined and user friendly than our current format. The new network will also feature a blog, website, the ability to chat live, send messages, and many more features that are going to enhance your experience.

I'm also going to be going through an evolution of my own. As many of you know, I am an intuitive eating counselor listed on the National Directory. I was trained by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch, the authors of "Intuitive Eating" and went through their certification program. It is time for me to begin offering my services in a professional capacity. This is something I will be launching with the new network. I am going to create a program that offers one on one direct counseling support that is accessible for everyone. I'm really excited to be moving in this new direction with my career. The Team also has some cool things in the works... workshops, video seminars, an e-store, even a subscription e-zine. We are very excited to be able to expand our offerings in order to enrich the time you spend with the community.

In keeping with our unconditional promise, there will be no membership fee to participate in the HerStory network. This is our gift to you. We will gladly continue to accept donations from those of you who feel moved to pay it forward. Donations will be put back into the community to cover the costs of hosting the network.

So, when will this move take place? Soon... very soon. Right now our target launch date is to be up and running no later than May 1st, 2011. We will leave the forum and group blog up for a few months after the transition, but they will be inactive. With funds being diverted into the social network, the ads will begin to pop up on the forum. Eventually, both the forum and blog will be deleted. We encourage you to begin saving journal entries and posts that you want to keep as there is not the ability for us to import these files to the new network. Our members will be given ample notice prior to the forum and blog being shut down. You will have time to prepare for this shift.

To all of you who have believed in our vision and supported this community "Through Thick & Thin", we offer a deep bow of respect to you. We are excited to open this new chapter with you and look forward to making HerStory!

How Does Your Garden Grow?

2011-03-26T00:09:00.000-07:00

"Simplicity"

By, Shannon Elsom

Cherry blossoms blush

At the mere mention of spring

Like a smitten maid

Spring is upon us. Everywhere we look we see the first signs of life stirring after the cold of winter. The thaw brings on renewal. Nowhere is this more evident than in the plant and animal kingdom. We can feel the shift in seasons when we notice the first cherry blossoms bloom. Our ears pick up the quickening rhythm of life in the sounds of chirping birds and buzzing bees swirling about, tending to the day's busy work. The stark grayness of winter gives way to a colorful burst of fresh promising energy. We see the potential for rebirth as light reenters the world out of the safe womb of darkness. A lone blade of grass pushing its way through a crack in the sidewalk illustrates so simply the newness that is born out of what was once cold and barren. As the daffodils raise their cheerful faces toward the sun it reminds us to open ourselves to the warmth now entering the world. The new life blooming blossoms hope within us. We feel the beat of invigorated life and intuit the miracle of growth it brings.

One of the most intimate ways we can connect with the earth and her cycles is by planting a garden. By tending the soil and nurturing seedlings to full fruition we see the symbolism of our own soul's work. Many gardeners have experienced this sense of connection. Those who work the land sense the parallels between caring for their earthly gardens and nurturing the growth of spirit. Upon entering this partnership of co-creation with nature, we come to understand that the earth is not a possession, but is actually part of us. Never do we experience this more directly than when we grow our own food. Cultivating a vegetable garden helps us foster an appreciation for the earth and the bounty she blesses us with. We develop gratitude for our meals understanding the many hands and forces of nature that must come together to put food on the table. This helps us develop a true appreciation for real food. Not lifeless food that is produced in some factory but food brimming with life-force, born from the soil we walk upon. When we nurture this level of respect for the earth and move in harmony with her cycles, we enter a sacred dance of union. In doing so, we value the gift of life. From this space, treating our bodies with love and honor becomes a natural response. This is born from experiencing the wonder of being a note within the symphony of life.

Not everyone has space for a grand garden. Truth is, you don't need to have a big plot of land to grow your own food. Many of us live in urban environments where putting in a large veggie patch is not really an option. However, there are many ways that we can creatively garden. It only requires a little willingness to think outside the box. Those who have limited yard space can have a container garden. Half a wine barrel can accommodate a variety of produce. Even city dwellers can have a windowsill garden where they grow their own cooking herbs. Of course, there are always green thumbs who look toward spring with excitement because it means they get to dig their hands in the dirt and renew the passion they had to put on ice during the cold winter months.

No matter where you are on the gardening scale, open yourself to growing some of your own food this spring. It's not hard to get started. All you need is a little planning and preparation. First of all, consider the space you have. This will greatly determine your overall garden plan. Decide if you have room to put in a raised bed. If space is limited you can opt for the convenience and ease of a container or windowsill garden. Also consider what kind of sunlight you will get consistently in your planting location. This is very important to factor in and will largely determine which crops you plant. Once you have outlined the space you have available and the growing conditions, it is time to plan your crops. What do you want to grow?

In creating your garden plan it is important to remember that it is best to wait for all threat of frost to pass before you put your summer producing crops in the ground. However, there are some hardy transplants that you can get started with in early spring beginning in the month of March. These hardier transplants are:

Lettuce
Collard greens
Kale
Cabbage
Broccoli
Globe artichokes
Kohl rabi
Bok choy
Chinese cabbage
Seed parsnips
Swiss chard
Garlic
Shallots

Hold off on your enthusiasm to put beets, carrots and potatoes in the ground. It's not that they won't make it when planted this early, but they will tend to thrive better if planted a little later into the spring season. If you are opting to grow a small windowsill herb garden the possibilities are endless because you have instant climate control. Parsley, basil, thyme and sage are good starters for those new to gardening. Once you feel more confident, you can expand your horizons by trying your green thumb at, rosemary, lavender, lemon balm, chervil, chamomile, cilantro... just about any herb you can think of can be grown indoors. Do remember when planning a windowsill garden that herbs need plenty of sunlight. You need a location that will provide at least a few hours of sunshine daily. It is also important to remember the balance of nature. Make sure you have blinds or a curtain that can be drawn. While herbs need plenty of light, more of a good thing is not necessarily better. You don't want to scorch delicate leaves. Be mindful of this during midday when the sun's rays are their strongest. Give your herbs a little break in the early afternoon so they don't get toasted. Also, be sure that herbs have good drainage. They don't take kindly to sitting in soggy soil. Of course, herbs will do very well outdoors too. You would take the same growing conditions into consideration.

Sometimes, it can seem overwhelming to try your hand at gardening if it is something completely new to you. In this case, I highly recommend you visit your local nursery and get yourself some starter plants rather than working from seed. It's also a good idea to connect with your local nursery if this is your first try at gardening because you will find plenty of helpful people ready and willing to answer any questions you may have. They can also assist you in selecting starters that will do well in your regional area. Each starter plant has a tag that includes very clear directions about the type of light the plant needs, which soil conditions it prefers and when it is best planted. It's helpful to rely on this information as you are learning the ropes. I also recommend utilizing your local library to check out books on gardening. You can find inspiration and clear directive in the pages of these simple guides, giving your confidence a boost.

The final element you want to consider is soil quality. Many people get overly wrapped up in worrying about fertilizing. It doesn't need to be that complicated. If you can get your hands on some quality compost your crops are sure to thrive. Most nurseries have compost available at reasonable prices. If you feel like really invoking your inner earth mama, you can do your own composting. It's not as difficult as people think it is. You can actually get started relatively easy and it's a wonderful way to recycle waste.

I personally compost and use an old plastic salad container to collect waste that I keep in the cabinet under my kitchen sink. When the container gets full, it is emptied into the compost bin out back. You can find affordable compost bins. There's no need for anything fancy. In fact, if you are in a pinch a simple garbage pail with a secured lid will do. You need to make sure to frequently turn over the contents in the bin manually with a shovel or sturdy rake if you decide to go this route. Additionally, you can find numerous resources online that will tell you how to build a bin from the ground up.

When first starting a compost bin, you want to work in layers, kind of like when you are building a lasagna. The first layer of your compost pile will contain organic materials like the ones listed below. The second layer will include manures or starters to help activate the initial heating of the compost pile. The pile is finished off with a final layer, (about 1-2 inches) of quality top soil. Within about two weeks, your compost pile will sit and stew. At this time, you can continue to add fresh ingredients to your pile by recycling your wastes into the bin. When you add new material, be sure to turn your pile and water it. A compost pile started in the early spring can be added to all the way up to late winter. By the time the following spring season rolls around you will have quality compost to nurture your new crops with. Ideally, you would turn your pile weekly, but realistically most gardeners only get to this task every month or so. This doesn't seem to have a compromising effect. The compost seems to do just fine.

So much of what we normally toss in the trash can be recycled. The following items can be composted:

Leaves/Grass clippings/Hay/Wood chips/Pine needles/Weeds/Wood ashes/Sawdust/Trimmings from houseplants/Garden soil/Flowers that have died/Straw/Broken-down cardboard
Paper napkins/Post-it notes/Paper towels/Old bills/Old newspapers (shredded)/Tissues/Q-tips (cardboard only, no plastic)/Wooden toothpicks/Pencil shavings/Brown paper bags/Envelopes
Veggies (note that corn cobs will break down slowly)/Fruits that have spoiled
Natural coffee filters/Burlap coffee bags/Coffee grounds/Tea bags
Pet hair/Leftovers from cleaning out the bird or Guinea pig cage/Feathers
Popcorn/Stale spices/Moldy bread/Egg shells/Pasta/Nut shells/Moldy cheese/Expired yogurt/Shellfish shells/Oatmeal/Rice/Tofu/Wine that's headed south (you wouldn't want to waste perfectly good wine)/Spoiled Beer (check note on wine)/Cereal
Matches (paper or wood)
Worn-out leather gloves/Leather wallets/Cotton socks
Hair and nail clippings
Dryer lint

This is just a snapshot of what can be composted. It certainly doesn't cover the whole picture. Think of how much waste we could eliminate if we gave back to the earth what we normally toss in the trash so something new can grow from it. This is recycling at its finest. Composting allows us to directly experience the circle of life. It is a direct route to a thriving garden. It is also a great way to reduce waste and give back to the planet.

Try your hand at a veggie or herb garden this season. Whether you have grand gardening plans or your plot is small enough to fit on your windowsill, makes no difference. This is a way to reconnect with nature, develop an appreciation for the blessing of food and to honor the earth as a great provider. Get your green thumb on and let it grow, baby grow.

Organic Matters

2011-03-25T23:45:00.000-07:00

Spring is the perfect time to begin thinking of incorporating more organic foods. There are many reasons why choosing organic has value. If you want to protect the earth's resources it makes sense to purchase organic, whenever possible. This is often a decision that stems from our deepest values. Organic produce is pesticide-free. This is noteworthy because pesticides have a negative impact on the quality of our soil and water. This also naturally affects wildlife populations.

Factory farming is heavily reliant on the production of genetically modified crops. There has been little research conducted in the area of GMO's. We aren't clear about what the long-term health implications may be of consuming these man-altered foods. We largely remain in the dark when it comes to GMO's. Until we see the impact these foods are going to have on our health and the environment, many in the fields of science and nutrition feel it may be in our best interest to not jump on the genetically modified bandwagon. In fact, since the induction of GMO's into our food supply there has been an escalating rise in the incidence of food allergies. The issue doesn't become any clearer with the so-called 'experts' completely divided on the topic. While some believe that GMO's are playing a part in the increase in food allergies, others claim this statement has no basis in fact. The great debate rages on and meanwhile, the public is ingesting food on a regular basis that in truth, we know little about.

Purchasing organic is a show of financial support for farmers who are more fairly compensated by growing organic crops. The pittance farmers earn producing government subsidized crops like corn is disgraceful. By supporting organic farmers we ensure that we will have a wider variety of foods to choose from when going to the grocery store. In fact, there has been a revival of heirloom crops within the organic farming community. It is important that we preserve the availability of these foods for the sake of biodiversity.

The verdict is still out on whether or not organic foods are actually healthier for us. With the current information available the decision to buy organic has more to do with how you feel about certain social and environmental issues than it does with building a healthier body. However, tests conducted by the USDA have confirmed washing commercial produce does little to remove pesticides. The residues linger behind on the fruits and veggies that you and your family eat. Considering that pesticides are another murky area and we aren't sure what the long-term impact of ingesting these chemical agents will be, it makes sense to be mindful of which commercially grown fruits and vegetables you are willing to put in your shopping cart.

This information is being presented for your personal knowledge and awareness. I think it is unrealistic to expect that an individual is going to be able to switch to all organic food choices overnight. We tend to approach change in an all or nothing manner in our culture. It makes sense to integrate changes slowly so you can look to your internal compass and feel out what is a fit for you in your life. The message at, "Through Thick & Thin" is one of personal empowerment. We want you to start questioning advertisements. We hope you will begin to lift the veil from the pretty package that 'Big Food' is peddling. What does the content really look like when you get behind the slick advertising campaigns and media hype? No one knows what is better for your body than you. Our mission is merely to share information. It is up to you how you choose to apply what you learn.

At "Through Thick & Thin" we support a HAES approach. We don't believe in diving headfirst into making life changes. If organics is something that interests you, we suggest you begin by dipping your toes in and testing the waters. We'll start simply by addressing which fruits and vegetables are important to purchase organic in order to reduce your exposure to pesticides. We are sharing the biggest pesticide offenders out of respect for those of you who may be on tighter budgets. After all, it costs more to produce organic crops. The production cost hikes are passed on to you when you head to the supermarket. It makes sense to share which conventional produce selections you can get away with purchasing in order to save some cash.

I do want to share a little insight though on how our consumer dollars can have an impact and subsequently drive down the price of organic foods so they can be affordable for everyone, indiscriminate of economic bracket. I live in the San Francisco North Bay Area in the heart of the Wine Country. People are passionate about whole foods and organics in these parts. In fact, the SLOW food movement is pressing forward full-steam ahead in my corner of the world. It is common for people in this area to purchase local whenever possible and to put money back into the hands of community farmers. In Sonoma County there is a major chain grocery store, Oliver's Market. They feature a wide variety of foods, both factory and organically produced. Since the consumers in this area largely favor organic produce, it has lowered the profit margin between organic and conventionally produced fruits and vegetables. In essence, the price of organics has been driven down to the extent that there is little cost variance between organic and factory farmed produce. The margin has become so slim in fact, that Oliver's Market is considering going all organic with their produce section. Now that is consumer power in action!

While I recognize that not everyone may currently be able to afford organic foods, if those of us who can shell out the cash did our part, we could help lower the cost of these wholesome foods for everyone. We can collectively change the world by pitching in and doing what we can. It sounds idealistic, but it's true. Small changes lead to major results. I share this story to illustrate that we do have the power to create a shift in our current food climate. If we each had a sense of personal responsibility to do our part, lasting change would become our new reality. Our dollars are the vote that counts the most in this consumer-driven society. Keep that in mind the next time you are at the grocery store. Even if you can only pick up one or two organic items, you are doing your part to make a difference. We can take our power back from the media and 'Big Food' corporations... one bite at a time.

Fruits and Vegetables Containing the Highest Level of Pesticides

*Buy organic whenever possible.

Celery
Spinach
Potatoes
Bell peppers
Nectarines
Pears
Peaches
Apples
Cherries
Strawberries
Imported grapes
Red raspberries

Want a side of ethylene oxide with your fresh strawberries and whipped cream? How about a generous dollop of para-dichlorobenzyne on that baked potato? Or would you rather enjoy a ripe juicy peach as nature intended... pure and simple. No added fillers needed. The choice is yours.

The Fresh Seasonal Bounty of Spring

2011-03-25T23:28:00.000-07:00

Spring has sprung, ushering in a wider variety of fresh seasonal fruits and veggies for our enjoyment. Having this kind of selection is like a breath of fresh air! Make some room on your plate for the great produce available this season. Be sure to bring a bouquet of spring blooms into your home to invite a splash of color and cheerfulness into your world.

Spring Seasonal Veggies (March-April-May)

Artichokes
Asparagus
Belgian endive
Broccoli
Butter lettuce
Chayote squash
Cherimoya
Chives
Collard greens
Corn
English peas
Fava beans
Fennel
Green beans
Morel mushrooms
Mustard greens
Pea pods
Ramps
Rhubarb
Snow peas
Sorrel
Spinach
Spring baby lettuce
Sugar snap peas
Swiss chard
Vidalia onions
Watercress

Spring Seasonal Fruits (March-April-May)

Apricots
Honeydew
Mango
Oranges
Limes
Lychee
Pineapple
Strawberries

Spring Seasonal Blooms (March-April-May)

Agapanthus
Amaryllis
Anemone
Birds of Paradise
Cherry blossom
Daffodil
Dahlia
Freesia
Heather
Hyacinth
Orchids
Peony
Rose
Sweet Pea
Tulip
Zinnia

"The Journey" By, Mary Oliver

2011-03-24T12:46:00.000-07:00

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.

Raising Love for Japan

2011-03-13T19:09:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went to my ANAD group for the first time in months. Barbara Murphy, the therapist who leads the sessions, always opens group with a meditation. It helps us come into our bodies and leave whatever was pulling at us before stepping into the room behind so we can receive the healing we need. It's a way to center ourselves and call our attention to the present.

During yesterday's meditation Barbara led us into our hearts. She then asked us to open up space within our hearts to hold all those being affected by the devastation in Japan, sending them love. It was very powerful to feel the reality that we are all interconnected. Distance does not separate us. What affects one, affects the whole.

It is the web of life. When one intricate thread is altered the entire web is forever changed. As I sat there in meditation breathing into my heart, I could feel the expansiveness of connecting with those in Japan, clear across the globe. The experience brought me to tears. It sounds rather esoteric but in that moment it was very tangible. I could feel the presence of their suffering... filling my heart... filling the room I was sitting in thousands of miles away in California.

At first, I felt a little self-conscious. I'm highly sensitive. Only recently have I started to embrace this quality as a blessing and not a hindrance. I tend to feel very deeply and have been ridiculed for my sensitivity in the past. I was surprised when I opened my eyes to see that there were many who shared this experience. There wasn't a dry eye in the room. The group was shedding their tears openly. So many of us felt this connection and were emotionally impacted by it. This feeling has stayed with me.

In the space of a quiet moment, close your eyes and breathe deeply. Leave behind the cares or concerns that have been weighing heavily on your mind. For this moment, simply be here. Come into your body. Breathe deeply into your belly. Follow your breath in and out. Notice the temperature of the air as it enters your nostrils. Sense how the temperature of the air changes on the exhale. Feel your clothes resting upon your skin. Become aware of the chair you are sitting on. Notice how it supports you... how you can let your body go and feel held. Feel your feet planted on the ground. Become aware of the way your soles connect you to the earth.

Once you feel fully in your body... in your experience... breathe into your heart. Imagine the breath opening your heart wide like a beautiful white rose unfurling its petals. Feel your heart expanding with each inhale. Allow each exhale to release whatever you are holding that is now ready to be surrendered. See if you can create space for those in Japan. Bring them into your heart. Acknowledge their suffering and flood them with the intention of your love. Envision your heart embracing all of those who have been touched by this tragedy. Stay in this moment, raising love and healing energy for as long as you feel comfortable. Notice what this brings up in you.

This practice is beautifully paired with the Tibetan Loving-Kindness Meditation. As you breathe into your heart and open this center first speak words of blessing to yourself...

May I be free from inner and outer harm and danger. May I be safe and protected.

May I be free of mental suffering or distress.
May I be happy.

May I be free of physical pain and suffering.
May I be healthy and strong.

May I be able to live in this world happily,
peacefully, joyfully, with ease.

Then, expand your heart to hold those suffering in Japan and all their loved ones throughout the world. Continue to breathe into your heart as you recite the following blessing...

May all beings be safe, happy, healthy, live joyously...

Repeat this blessing like a mantra, over and over, until you feel the fullness of the world in your heart. Then add this blessing...

May all beings in Japan and their loved ones live in this world happily, peacefully, joyfully, with ease.

Repeat this blessing until your heart overflows with love. Know that you have contributed your healing energy to those in need.

Japan needs lots of love right now. We each can do our part to send love their way. Love shared is always returned to the sender. In this way we are reminded of the interconnectedness of all things. Love has no limits.

The Path of Kindness - ED Recovery Through Self-Care

2011-03-03T02:19:00.000-08:00

Self-care is the cornerstone of eating disorder recovery. It is essential to learn new ways to cope in order to move beyond food and body obsession. Notice that I say cope and not distract. The very nature of eating disorder is rooted in disconnection. In order to heal, a foundation of support needs to be cultivated that allows us to feel held through difficulties, while keeping connected to our experience and emotions.

In order to enter fully into recovery, the eating disorder identity needs to be shed so the authentic self can emerge. This requires us to make the long journey from our heads, into our hearts. As we explore our interests and passions, we align with our purpose. When we dare to dream, we discover who we truly are and find our feet firmly on the heart-centered path. Rather than tightening our grip and continuing to cling to the notion that our issues are caused by food or the size of our bodies, we need to recognize that these distortions exist because of a deep call within us for something more meaningful. What our souls really long for is connection and fulfillment. Our eating disorder issues are merely a representation of these needs going unmet.

As we learn to respond through self-care when faced with potentially triggering situations, our reactive attachment to the eating disorder falls away. We find empowerment in our ability to face any issue with a spirit of love and receptivity for the teaching inherent in the experience.

It can be challenging to think of alternatives when feeling overwhelmed. I have found it helps to have some self-care options in mind before stress strikes. Consider the list below tools for your toolbox. The next time you feel triggered, instead of turning to the dysfunction of eating disorder, empower yourself with self-care.

~55 Ways to Nurture Self-Care~

Go for a stroll in nature.
Listen to your favorite music and dance like no one's watching.
Sing your heart out.
Write a letter expressing bottled-up emotions. Then release the letter by safely burning it, or burying it in the ground as a symbolic act of surrendering the issue.
Rewrite the story of a painful experience in your life. In the retelling, give yourself the opportunity to say all those things you weren't able to express at the time.
Visit or call a friend who truly loves and supports you.
Paint your feelings on a canvas.
Mold your intangible emotions into something you can see and feel by working with clay.
Using push-pins chart a course of all the places you would love to travel on a world map.
Create space to dream.
Light candles in a darkened room and listen to Loreena McKennit, Mazzy Star, Deva Premal, Mozart, or any music that stirs your soul.
Breathe slowly and rhythmically into the places you are holding in your body. Notice how the breath dissolves the tension and frees up space for emotional release.
Experience the healing power of touch. Treat yourself to a massage.
Slather on a luxurious body butter, sending love to every part of you.
Slip a bath bomb into the tub and immerse yourself in a soothing soak.
Indulge in a foot rub with a relaxing aromatherapy oil.
Get crafty by exploring a creative hobby that has always interested you such as, beading, designing mandalas, woodworking, or knitting.
Put together a scrapbook that chronicles your journey into recovery. Let it inspire you to see how far you have come.
Make a vision board. Create a collage to call in your heart's desires.
Enjoy the silence... surrender your worries to meditation.
Get all decked out just for the fun of it and treat yourself to a day on the town.
Find comfort in a warm cup of tea shared with a good listener.
Light incense and allow its scent to carry your prayers to the heavens.
Take your pup for a walk. If you don't have a pooch of your own, offer to walk the neighbor's dog.
Get organized. Sort through your belongings. Collect clothes to donate. Clear out what has served its purpose and is no longer needed. Decorate your abode with some warming touches. Do so with intention, visualizing welcoming in the new as you release the old.
Go on a road trip. Adventure down new roads. Go where you have never gone before.
Invite a friend over and treat each other to a makeover. Let your new look represent the true you... the person you are now allowing yourself to be.
Invite friends over for a slumber party reminiscent of the ones you had as a teenager.
Write in your journal.
Curl up in bed for a cozy nap.
Steep in a jacuzzi.
Pamper yourself with beauty treat like a facial or a mani and pedi.
Go on a walk with camera in hand and take photos of the sights that inspire you.
Head out for a bike ride and explore uncharted paths.
Take a dip at the local pool.
Visit the woods or the ocean and experience the grounding energy.
Make a list of affirmations and read them out loud to yourself whenever you need a boost.
Leave it all on the mat. Release with yoga.
Cash in on kisses and hugs from loved ones when you need them most.
Spend time with your pet.
Capture your experience with a soundtrack. Put together a mixed CD of songs that describe what you are feeling at this time in your life.
Relax with a hot shower. Imagine the water washing away your worries.
Browse in a bookstore. What titles are you drawn to? How do you think this speaks to your current situation?
Head downtown for a cup of coffee and some people watching.
Visit a museum. Let yourself be inspired by the creative expression of others. What pieces speak to you? What feelings do they provoke? Can you connect these emotions with your current experience?
Read your favorite book from childhood to remind yourself of simpler times and the magic of imagination.
Have someone you love brush or braid your hair.
Punch a pillow to let go of anger.
Have a good cry. Feel the relief of letting go.
Pleasure yourself.
Make a cuddle date with your mate with no expectations for it to lead to more.
Grab your crayons and color in a coloring book. Feel free to scribble outside the lines.
Start a gratitude journal. Each night before turning in list at least three blessings that graced your day. When you are having a rough time, read through your journal to remind yourself of how much you have to be grateful for.
Have a pajama day. Lounge about in your cozies guilt-free and do a whole lot of nothing.
Treat yourself to a beautiful bouquet of flowers to remind yourself that love begins with you.

The New Face of Fat

2011-03-02T18:37:00.000-08:00

Holly Madison is most known for her roles on "The Girls Next Door" and as Hugh Hefner's former leading lady. She has now made a name for herself starring in her own E! Reality Show, "Holly's World". The reality series follows Ms. Madison's adventures in Sin City where she stars in "Peepshow" on the Las Vegas Strip. The striptease revue requires Holly to show a lot of skin. According to "Peepshow" producers, she's had a bit too much skin to show off as of late.

Producers slammed Holly for her weight, pressing her to trim the fat. She was accused of lowering "Peepshow" standards because of the 15 lbs. she put on since her move to Las Vegas. Holly was rather resistant to suggestions she should go on a diet, citing her love of french fries and body pride as grounds for dismissal of such a ridiculous proposal. As the story often goes in the entertainment industry, she eventually succumbed to pressure to trim down in order to appease "Peepshow" producer's demands and one can speculate, to save her job.

Ms. Madison did need to have one last word before relenting and did so in a bold way, posing in a bikini sans photoshop in the current issue of Life & Style magazine. Holly wanted to send the message that she is comfortable with her body stating, "I've always had a butt, and I want to keep it - cellulite and all. I'm proud of my body."

While I think it's admirable that Holly embraces her imperfections, I can't help but wonder what kind of message this really sends, particularly to young girls. Clearly, it's obvious that Holly Madison is hardly what you would call fat by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, at a height of 5'7" weighing in at a mere 115 lbs., Holly falls into the underweight category by nearly a dime. Her "Peepshow" producers want to see 15 of those pounds gone. Once again, this is a case of media promoting both an unrealistic and unhealthy body ideal.

Eating disorders are influenced by a wide range of genetic, environmental, and societal factors. Media, a multi-billion dollar industry, bears a fair share of the brunt for the perpetuation of distorted body images. How are impressionable young women supposed to feel about their bodies when the bar has been set so unrealistically high?

Unfortunately, as long as there is demand for these images, they will continue to exist. What is needed is a collective wake-up call. We, as consumers, have the power to impact media directly. Through conscious consumerism we can turn the tide. Every time we make a purchase, we cast a vote.

The next time you are at the grocery store contemplating picking up the latest issue of that fashion magazine, think twice. What message does the publication promote? Is this message in alignment with your values? Do you have subscriptions to magazines that support an unrealistic beauty ideal? What is keeping you from canceling those subscriptions? Are diet books lining your shelves? What DVDs are in your collection? Think of the influence this constant bombardment of distorted messages is having on you.

Be particularly mindful if you are a parent. How do you think these images influence your children? If you don't know... ask. Their feedback may surprise you. Honestly look at where your dollars are going. How do you feel about the purchases you make? Do they reflect your truth? If not, don't you think it's about time they did?

If more of us engaged this level of awareness when making purchases we could greatly shift the current trend in a more positive direction. Change doesn't happen overnight, but it is possible. Let's start a movement, one purchase at a time. Join "Through Thick & Thin" by spreading the word in your community. Bring this message into your local schools. Write about it on your blogs. Do your part to pass it on.

Together we can create a world where diversity is appreciated. The change begins with us... in our homes, our communities, and the choices we make.

What will you choose?

Yoga for Depression - A Compassionate Guide to Relieve Suffering Through Yoga

2011-03-02T13:27:00.000-08:00

I'm currently reading a book that is having a powerful impact on me. "Yoga for Depression - A Compassionate Guide to Relieve Suffering Through Yoga" By, Amy Weintraub is a wonderful resource for anyone going through tough times.

When my marriage fell apart, I found I defaulted to that old ED mindset. I downplayed my experience and put on a brave face. I wore a mask of self-confidence. I talked the talk. When my disassociation wore off I was confronted with the emotional reality of my situation. Inside, I felt like I was crumbling... falling apart at the seams.

I think initially, I was in complete shock. The unravelling of my marriage was brutal and abrupt. I was completely blindsided. The level of betrayal was intense. I was left reeling... wondering who was this man I had been sharing my life with for 13 years and even more so... who the hell was I to have been so unaware of what was staring me in the face all along? My life was in crisis... a crisis I continue to emotionally sort through.

The experience was confusing, disorienting, and devastating. Despite my attempts to remain positive and upbeat, I knew the piper had to be paid. I could not ignore the truth of my situation, nor the gravity of my feelings. I spent months in grief. I continue to grieve and feel very much like what I refer to as "my young self". It's almost as if I am pushing the restart button on my life and have to learn everything all over again.

Not wanting to carry any baggage into my future, I've been sitting with the discomfort. It hasn't been easy. The nature of my situation has been somewhat isolating. That in and of itself has been tremendously difficult. I have not been able to attend my weekly ANAD group or eating disorder therapy for three months now. I didn't realize what a tremendous support this had been for me until that very support was stripped away.

It didn't take long for me to realize that I was falling into a depression. I felt hopeless and try as I might to look for the silver lining, all my eyes could take in were skies of gray. Each morning I woke with this painful sinking feeling in my chest and wondered how on earth I was going to drag myself through another day. Nothing gave me pleasure anymore. I felt like I had been cast as an actor in my own life. The show had to go on and I needed to put on my game face. Circumstances were calling on me to hit the ground running and keep it glued together. This only made me more aware of my pain because I felt inauthentic and yet, to some degree showing a stiff upper lip to the rest of the world was necessary. I couldn't allow myself to collapse into the grief. I had to continue to function.

I did my best to keep it moving. I stayed in contact with friends and family. I continued to come to the "Through Thick & Thin" forum for support. I made sure to spend time outdoors to be reminded of the cyclical nature of life even on days when all I wanted to do was pull the covers up over my head and sleep away the pain. One day when I was downtown, I popped into a used bookstore and came across this amazing book. Desperate for a solution to this dismal fog that had blanketed my entire life, I decided to purchase it. I had nothing to lose.

Apparently, I'm not the only one who has been struggling with hard times and bitter tea. The woman who rung me up commented that it had been a really rough start to her new year. She had eyed this book when it first came in. In fact, so many people I know are going through difficult transitions. We're talking major paradigm shifts... no small potatoes. I've heard of so many marriages and long-term relationships disintegrating. People have lost their careers, their homes, their faith. There seems to be a universal theme of upheaval running through the lives of so many. It is time to discern what is meaningful. When I intuitively tap into this collective shift I feel it is a call to move away from fear and to align ourselves with love. An awakening drawing us back into our hearts so we may live from that wide open emotional space. We are creating authentic lives and casting aside all the 'shoulds'. Each of us, in our own way, are coming into our truth and living from that space.

Of course, in making this choice our entire lives come up for review. Whatever is inauthentic and not in alignment with the integrity of our heart's truest desires will be surrendered.... willingly with grace, or fiercely with resistance. Nothing can avert the fire of truth from burning away what is false when you choose to follow your heart. It can be tough because this choice calls us to confront our shadow and all that is the mirror opposite of love... our fear, attachment, insecurity, feelings of worthlessness... everything that creates a barrier between who we have settled to be and who we were born to be.

"Yoga for Depression" has been a lifesaver for me. I cannot express how much this compassionate book has lovingly held me through these soul-stretching times. It's a must read for anyone facing a major life transition and certainly valuable for those who have struggled with chronic depression. The author, Amy Weintraub, suffered with clinical depression for many years. Through the path of yoga and meditation, she was able to recover. In fact, she has not had a depressive episode or the need for medication since 1989. Amy has maintained her recovery even in the face of crisis which inevitably surfaced in her life over the years since she came to the path of yoga.

She now teaches at the Kripalu Institute and works with people struggling with all degrees of depression... from depression brought on by traumatic events and painful experiences, to the severity of bi-polar disorder. The people Amy works with are claiming recovery through yoga , leaving pharmaceuticals, talk therapy, and doctor's visits behind.

It is an immensely inspiring book that teaches step by step how to create your very own therapeutic yoga and meditation practice to combat depression. Amy authentically shares her personal story and struggles with depression. Her truthfulness in expressing the challenges she has faced allows her compassion to come shining through. I highly recommend this read. I wanted to share the following excerpt in order to capture the essence of this heartfelt book that has been helping me in my own life transition...

Let's return to my therapist's couch in Providence, Rhode Island, twenty years ago. "Empty pockets," she said. I felt she was dooming me to an unsatisfying life in which no matter how much I loved and was loved, no matter what I achieved, I would always yearn for more. Today I understand that sometimes my pockets feel full to overflowing, that I have abundant energy, abundant love, and a solid sense of self that is rooted in the knowledge of my wholeness, my feeling that I am not separate from the universe. When I forget who I am, I have only to return to my Yoga mat to remember. But I also understand that though those pockets are chock full of blessings, from time to time they can still feel empty. It is my embrace of that emptiness that brings me closest to the truth of being human. I would never wish for a life without pain. Pain is my teacher; it is what allows me to feel the suffering of others. I rejoice that I have a heart big enough to break over and over again. And because I can accept the emptiness I sometimes feel, I have learned that it is in my yearning that I am most fulfilled. The thirteenth-century mystic and poet Rumi said, "When you look for God, God is in the look in your eyes." Empty pockets are our reality, the source of both our suffering and wholeness.
~Excerpt from "Yoga for Depression - A Compassionate Guide to Relieve Suffering Through Yoga" By, Amy Weintraub

~Namaste~

There's No Place Like Om

2011-03-02T02:01:00.000-08:00

Our point of power is the present moment. Meditation is a gateway to the now. Some of you may have experienced the sweet surrender of meditation. Others may view this practice as inaccessible, completely foreign, or mired in religious dogma. I want to clear up any misconceptions by reassuring those who have these concerns that meditation is completely approachable for anyone. Although some religions incorporate meditation into their spiritual practices, the art of self-inquiry is not in and of itself, a religious act. What is meditation then?

Meditation is like making a direct call to your sacred self. It is a way for you to dance below the surface and come into contact with your deeper knowing. It allows you to experience the wonder of being the calm eye in the center of the storm... finding peace amidst the chaos of life. It is a practice that facilitates decompression and release. A path leading to serenity and grounding.

Besides all the numerous internal rewards, there are many health advantages gleaned from engaging in a regular meditation practice. Some noteworthy benefits of meditation are:

- Lowered blood pressure

- Stress reduction

- Improved exercise tolerance in cardiovascular patients

- Reduced anxiety

- Relief from muscle tension and headaches

- Improved mood through increased serotonin production significantly aiding the alleviation of depression

- Therapeutic value in the case of chronic disease and pain management

- Beneficial for post-operative healing

- Soothing effect on PMS, lessening symptoms

- Invigorating effect on the immune system

- Provides a sense of emotional stability and calm

- Proven to be a highly effective adjunct to eating disorder therapy

As you can see, meditation is a practice that can enhance your life and state of well-being on multiple levels.

How do you meditate?

Find a place where you can have some peace and quiet. Not a lot of time is required. Even 10 minutes alone to yourself where you do not have to worry about being disturbed by intrusions can have a potent effect.

Settle into a comfortable position. For some of you, this will mean sitting cross-legged, or in a chair with a supportive back. Others may prefer to lie down. Do whatever makes you comfortable, including providing yourself with blankets for warmth, or pillows for cushioning and body support.

If you are seated, sit with your spine erect. Think of creating space in-between your vertebrae, as if someone is pulling a string up from the top of your head. Think lengthening. If lying, quickly scan your body and notice if there are any adjustments you need to make in order for your body to feel balanced and supported.

Close your eyes, let your tongue rest gently against the roof of your mouth, relax your lips so they are slightly parted, and begin to focus on your breathing.

Don't worry about trying to control your breath. Simply observe its movement. Notice the way it flows in and out of your body. Follow your in breath all the way down to your belly and then retrace its exiting path out of your nostrils on the exhale. Notice the temperature of the air as it enters your body on the inhale. Does the temperature change on the exhale? Pay attention to any places that the breath gets stuck or seems to be obstructed. Bring awareness to those areas of your body and continue to breathe into the tightness and tension. Imagine your breath going into the stuck places... behind, before, above, below... visualize the air encircling this area of physical holding. Allow the breath to slowly thaw these frozen places like an ice cube melting in the heat of the sun. Find your personal rhythm and settle into deep, relaxing nose breathing.

Come into your body... have an in-body experience. Feel the surface you are sitting upon. Sense the way it supports you. Notice how your clothing rests against your skin. Pay attention when your mind wants to take you out of this experience and gently draw your attention back to the moment... simply observing. Feel your feet resting against the floor if you are sitting in a chair. Note how the back of the chair presses gently against your ribs when you inhale. Take in the sounds and smells in your environment. Simply show up and be here in this moment. When distractions come, notice how your minds reacts. Where do you go? There is nothing for you to do... nowhere to go. Sink into the present and allow yourself to experience it fully on a multi-sensory level.

When thoughts come up, let them surface and float by like a leaf in a stream. You may become caught up in mental chatter. Sometimes, when we become very quiet we are able to witness how loud our minds are. Practice non-attachment. Rest easy. Your busy thoughts will silence the more you allow them to simply 'be'. No need to get wrapped up in creating a storyline. Let your thoughts ebb and flow without engaging them. Be the witness in silent observation, bringing your attention back to the experience of feeling, sensing, intuiting.

Sometimes using a mantra, or word that has personal meaning, internally repeated over and over again can help you focus. You could choose a common mantra such as "om". Even a simple word or phrase like "love" or "I am peace" can help you center. When intruding thoughts surface, allow them to be surrendered to the repetition of the mantra you have chosen. This practice is particularly beneficial for beginners.

Spend as much time in meditation as you like. There are no rules or set times you must remain in quiet reflection. Tune in and flow with what feels right for you.

I can't stay still! It drives me nuts! Maybe meditation isn't for me.

Many feel this way when first approaching meditation. We are used to disconnecting. Meditation is the fast track to connection and initially, this may cause feelings of discomfort, uneasiness, or agitation to arise. Often this leads to the abandonment of the practice before the reward of self-inquiry is ever experienced. Be willing to be with the discomfort. I encourage you to allow several sessions for exploration before you decide that meditation isn't for you. Keep it simple and start from an approachable place. Maybe this means that you begin by practicing meditation for 2 minutes and gradually increase your time until you arrive at a place that feels supportive.

If you really find it a struggle to sit or lie still, you may want to consider walking meditation. This is when you go on a walk and match your gait to the rhythm of your breath. You can also use mantra with walking meditation. Use movement as an opportunity to develop body awareness. Feel your muscles working. Notice the way your foot makes contact with the ground as you take a step. Pay attention to your environment. Notice the smells in the air. Tune into the sounds around you. Become aware of the shapes, colors and textures of the natural environment you find yourself in. Sense the way the breeze kisses your face. Go on... have an experience. Really allow yourself the pleasure of feeling. Drink in this moment. This is meditation in motion and is equally beneficial as traditional approaches to meditation.

Explore the world of meditation throughout this week as a way to tune into your inner experience. Allow yourself to experiment with meditation in a variety of ways and discover which approach speaks to you. You may decide that this is a practice you would like to carry with you throughout your life, integrating time to turn within and connect each day. This simple practice has a way of filtering into each moment, infusing your experience with presence and awareness. The gift is the present. Show up and open yourself to receive.

Magic Is Afoot!

2011-02-27T13:24:00.000-08:00

My cup runneth over... literally...

I love to go to this groovy little spot downtown. It's a funky shop that carries an eclectic mix of all things Goddessy. Milk & Honey boasts a lush Goddess lounge complete with plush velveteen love seats and cozy yoni pillows. Yes... you read right... yoni pillows...

Milk & Honey has become a sanctuary for me... a home away from home. I go there to vibe with other Goddesses for wise-woman conversation and soul-stirring synchronicity. I enjoy passing time doing readings with oracle cards as I sip away at my Hot Mama Chocolate with lavender and fresh whipped cream... Mother size please, or occasionally when I feel rather decadent, I'll splurge for the Crone size.

The other day I paid the lounge a visit and plopped down in my favorite spot awaiting the arrival of my hot cocoa. It was a rather ordinary day and I was going about my usual routine until something slightly magical entered the mix. Now mind you, you must be magically bent to catch the wee bits of Fairy dust that tend to sprinkle their way into otherwise ordinary moments. Remember, there are no ordinary moments, as Dan Millman once said. These magical moments are happening all the time, but most of us take them for granted... too wrapped up in our melodrama... the magic eludes us.

Maybe it is because I have been in a funk for months now with life seeming so worn and gray that I was able to capture this little pocket of light and hold tight to it. In the mundane I found hope. I tended the first flickers of optimism like the last flame of a fire on a cold winter's night. What is this magic I speak of?

It came into my field of awareness in a rather simple way (it often does), free of frills or embellishment. It would have been easy to miss, but my spidey-senses picked it up. As my cocoa was brought to me, it was on the verge of spilling over... filled to the brim. The lovely Goddess who prepared it for me apologized profusely telling me she always seems to fill the cup too full. I was warned that an urgent sip would be required to prevent overflowing. I was all too happy to oblige as I said, "Hey, I always welcome abundance!" The woman next to me responded, "Blessed Be!" And there, my friends, was the magic. The incantation had been spoken... so mote it be.

You see, in that instant, I issued an invitation. I placed my order with the Universe and stated rather clearly that I was open to receiving. This is how the cauldron is stirred. In these seemingly mundane moments, magic happens. If you are waiting for the bells and whistles, the opportunity to be a co-creator with the Divine will pass you by. Once in a blue moon you do get the big fanfare... it's true... but most of the time, pure magic is found in the tiniest of details. This was such a time. Remember...

Thoughts are things and carry the weight of responsibility.

I opened a gateway in my consciousness and from this moment forward my cup runneth over. The abundance greeted me a second time before I even stepped foot out of Milk & Honey. The same lovely lady who filled my cup so full earlier informed me that she was going to give me another cocoa on the house because she still had some leftover lavender and milk. Why let it go to waste? I couldn't have agreed more. I gladly accepted the offering as I said a silent prayer of gratitude to the Goddess for the abundance She was showering upon me.

My evening continued on like this. Instead of having to trudge up the hill on one of the most frigidly cold nights we've seen in a spell, I was offered a ride. I felt the gratitude swell within my heart. Such simple things... things most take for granted... were suddenly imbued with an otherworldly tone as if the entire Universe was conspiring to bless me. I felt my faith return. That faith was validated later that evening when my neighbor knocked on my door and gave me a gift of grapefruit-melon Italian shower cream as she said something about "wanting to spread good karma."

I went to bed with a warm feeling in the center of my chest... a place that had felt so cold and vacant for months now. Could it be the magic was returning? With thoughts of blessing dancing in my head I drifted blissfully into slumber.

As of tonight I can answer this inquiry with a resounding "Yes!" As I relaxed on my couch opportunity came knocking once again. The rapping on my door took me by surprise. I was not expecting any visitors. I swung the door open to see my friend Doug standing there, beaming. "I've brought you offerings and treats", he said.

I have not seen Doug since my marriage fell apart. He has known my husband since they were little kids so it didn't shock me when he fell away. I figured his loyalty would lie with my ex. It did sadden me though because over the past 13 years, Doug and I had become close friends. I'd missed his presence greatly over these difficult months. I invited him in and he gave me a big bear hug.

He unloaded the grocery bag that he brought with him, its contents revealing it to be somewhat of a care package...

Fresh hot chicken soup from Whole Foods with oyster crackers, a six pack of ginger beer, organic apple juice, gourmet sugar cookies from a local bakery, chocolate-dipped ice cream bars, and a box of Girl Scout Tagalongs.

It was so thoughtful, unexpected, and generous of him. I felt filled with gratitude. I could feel a surge of abundance permeating my every pore. His kindness literally brought tears to my eyes.

Earlier in the day I had pulled a card from one of my oracle decks. It read...

~Helpful Person~

"Someone wants to help you. Think of whom that might be, and initiate contact."

Doug picked the card up from my altar, looked at me and smiled saying, "Looks like your reading came true."

I now know that these are not random experiences, but a chain of events set into motion by a shift in my consciousness. Life will always make good on my requests. If I focus on lack, then I will always be lacking. If I'm constantly ruminating on what's missing, I will miss what's there. Everything my eyes see will seem vacant and void. Now my eyes see clearly the beauty all around me and it is so. Expressing gratitude in anticipation of needs fulfilled, everything needed is showing up for me. All I have to do is receive.

Being empty is not a bad thing. It is the birth of all potentiality. Anything is possible from a space of emptiness. That space of nothingness creates openness, welcoming in possibility and blessing. Yes, magic is afoot. Dare I say, it's time for a new adventure. Let the Magical Mystery Tour begin!

You in?

2011-02-26T15:46:00.000-08:00

I had an interesting conversation with my kids last week at dinner. They were saying I love you to eachother and to me. Then Ricky asked Isabelle if she loved herself. She got quiet and said, "I don't know". So I said, "Well, I love myself". She gave me a weird look like, it's ok to love yourself?

I said, "Well, I have a bunch of people around me that love me so much, why wouldn't I love myself? I am important and mean a lot to people in different ways. And of coarse I am responsible for myself and live with myself everyday. Why wouldn't I love myself?"

She thought on this for a min and smiled then said, yes, she does love herself. :)

Seems to me the world is so stuck on saying you have to have this "will power" to fit into this mold, this idea where everyone has to strive to be a certain way in this world. No?

Where is our self esteem!? Where is the self love, self care? Where is SELF! in anything we do? Will power makes it sound as though we are supposed to sit there and move objects with our mind if we look real hard at that object.

Craziness! I don't want my kids having a low self esteem. I want them to be confident in themselves. I don't want them to struggle the way I have. I feel, looking back over the years, I wasted so much time trying move things with my mind and allowing my self esteem to hit its lowest.

Lets start spreading the word. You ever hear of the movie "Pay It Forward"? It's a really good movie. I love the message behind it. If one person helps 3 people and each of those 3 people help 3 other people themselves, just watch how fast something can spread just by that one person helping 3 people.

It's great, really. So I am helping my 3 people, actually 4, including helping mySELF!

You in?

Let's start this! Let's all start kicking up our self care, our self esteem, our self love. How about some self respect?

Keeping the number 3 in our minds, how about each day think of 3 positive things... doesn't have to be about that particular day, but bring light into your day, ya know. Compliment yourself often. Start treating yourself as you would treat some one you are close to, love, respect, and admire.

We aren't all perfect. Let's stop comparing one human to another. Be different! Be unique! It can be done and I so can't wait to see you shine!

You can start paying it forward just by helping others change their train of thought. If some one is all down on themselves, break out of your shell and be a lil bird (lil birdy told me).

Get involved with people... just start spreading the light. I would love to get more involved in my community somehow. I don't yet know how, but one day... who knows when... it could happen.

Not everyone has some one close to them where they could feel worth something, ya know. Maybe the nursing home, or a local boys and girls club. Heck, why not even at the gym? Leave a post-it note on the mirror in the locker room.

Think outside the box and let's all encourage and support one another.

My Amazing January Weight Loss

2011-01-29T06:29:00.000-08:00

I posted this to my own blog but also felt a pull to share it here. I hope you'll like this, I see it as a refreshing antidote to all the diet related tosh in the media over the past month.

It’s nearly the end of January and I’d like to share with you the amazing weight loss I’ve had so far this month. It’s been a fantastic month and I’ve had far more success than I ever thought possible. At times it was hard, at times emotional, but I stuck with it and I’m pleased to announce my weight loss success publicly.

In January, I lost the following:

the anxiety about not being able to feign interest in a career in IT Service Management
the torment of trying to have a pristine house at all times
that Sunday afternoon/evening dread of going to a job which makes me feel dead inside the next day
the burden of believing having a job is the only way to pay the bills

I quit my job. I quit a 10 year career in IT. It pays well and it’s pretty secure. And I’ve just walked away from it.

I can honestly say I have not felt this good, this happy, relieved and positive about my life for a long time. I remember a Sunday afternoon at the end of last year when I was cleaning the bathroom, trying to get all my housework done before the treadmill of Monday morning started up again. A few bottles fell off the shelf into the bath. Nothing was broken, but I burst into floods of tears and shouted “I hate my life”.

I can say now that I love my life. The security has gone, but it’s been replaced by an excitement and positivity for the future that I’ve not felt in a long time. I feel as if I am finally living as the authentic me, and no longer living as what society says I “should” be.

My desire to overeat has fallen away. I’ve been working on this for a while now, and the desire to bolt to the fridge does still rear its head from time to time. The main place it shouted and screamed for attention was at work, sat in my battery cage desk, trapped and forced to perform tasks which I had no interest in or desire to do. As I work out my notice, this nagging voice which demands crisps, Mars Bars, toast – well anything I can lay my hand on really – has shrunk.

I do have plans for the future, and I will be sharing them here. But in the meantime, I just want to pat myself on the back for a great amount of weight lost in January. I look forward to shedding more , including self-doubt and anxiety, over the coming year.

ps – if you’re wondering where the amount of lbs I’ve lost/dress sizes I’ve dropped comes into it I’m sorry I have no idea. I don’t own a pair of scales and I’ve cut all the size labels out of my clothes. These numbers are simply not important to me.

Simply Move

2011-01-12T23:44:00.000-08:00

When you think of fitness, what images come to mind? If you are like most Americans, you probably have visions of sweat-soaked hard bodies hoisting weights and running like hamsters on the treadmill at the gym. As much as the evidence disputes the validity of the 'no pain, no gain' approach, it continues to be a fitness doctrine that the majority buy into. Part of this stems from trying to live up to a body ideal that is far from realistic. Another aspect factoring into this equation is our collective addictive need for instant gratification. We want more, better, faster results and we want them now. Unfortunately, our bodies do not punch clocks. It takes time to build a foundation of fitness. Willpower doesn't hold much sway over the laws of biology. What many sadly discover is that approaching fitness in this all or nothing manner is not only supremely unrewarding, it can also be detrimental to our health.

What is often overlooked is that over-exercise has the ability to trigger the feast or famine response in our bodies in much the same manner that starvation does. People scratch their heads in disbelief when in spite of restrictive eating and excessive hours spent in the gym, that picture of health they covet only seems to slip further from view. Here's the cold hard truth folks... intense exercise lacking a strong foundation of both practical and nutritional support only throws our bodies into crisis.

This is why many individuals find their motivation to exercise comes in stints. You can only keep up that break-neck speed for so long. Your enthusiasm wanes when working so hard produces little end benefit. Eventually, you will run out of steam. If you don't respect the communication of your body you can rest assured that it will demand you listen to its pleas. Your body will breakdown in hopes it will awaken a breakthrough in your consciousness. You'll hit the wall and experience subsequent burnout, or in some cases injury, that results from over-training.

Over-training syndrome is very real. Many people are unaware of this common condition that affects so many in our diet and exercise obsessed culture. Athletes understand intense training needs to be backed up by optimal fuel in the form of solid consistent nourishment. Furthermore, this level of activity cannot be sustained indefinitely. Athletes incorporate peak training for brief periods of time. Intense activity is built up to throughout the year through a training cycle that incorporates periodization, by focusing on different foundational components of fitness so the body can effectively respond to the increase in workload without courting injury, or diminishing athletic performance. Talk with any seasoned athlete and you will quickly realize that rest is an equally important component when it comes to optimal fitness. Your average gym rat will put themselves through punishing workouts over extended periods of time without adequate fuel due to restrictive dieting. Most gym goers do not take the time to ensure a strong foundation of fitness is in place. They continue to push ahead even though their body is demanding a timeout, falsely assuming that if some exercise is good, then more would certainly be better. Something is very wrong with this picture.

I see one of the main sources of the problem is a fundamental lack of knowledge when it comes to fitness. If you think about it, where have most people received their information about exercise? The answer is overwhelmingly, from the diet industry. The diet industry promotes the illusion of the quick fix. The hype is very seductive. In a culture that values thinness above all else, or in the case of men, a chiseled, fat-free physique, it's easy to get caught up in the hope of the speedy results these spin doctors promise.

This gives rise to an important question. How much is too much? Tune in and ask yourself the following questions...

Do you feel drained, washed-out, tired and unmotivated?
Do you experience chronic aches and pains, or soreness in your legs?
Do you have joint pain?
When you exercise are you finding your performance suffering? Is it becoming increasingly difficult to make it through your workouts? Do you feel as if you are getting weaker, rather than stronger, despite your efforts?
Are you having trouble sleeping, or are you experiencing insomnia?
Do you have frequent headaches?
Do you generally feel under the weather? Are you catching colds more frequently?
Have you noticed a decrease in your threshold for intense exercise? Does your body react to your workouts with an inflammatory response, leaving you in pain for days? Do you feel exhausted? Are you having trouble rebounding after your gym sessions?
Are you experiencing mood changes? Are you irritable?
Are you becoming depressed?
Do physical activities you once enjoyed no longer appeal to you?
Are you finding your appetite diminishing? Are you eating less and less?
Are you working through injury?
Do you feel a compulsive need to exercise? If you take a day off from working out do you feel guilty?

If you answered in the affirmative to several of these questions it is time to bring your relationship with exercise up for review. Individuals struggling with these issues have not only hit over-training syndrome, they have also headed into slippery territory where eating disorder may be a root issue. It is important to answer these questions honestly and address these areas if your responses give rise for concern.

Let's clear up any confusion. Unless you are a professional athlete, or have a sport that is your passion in life, there is no need for such intense training. Remember, even athletes rest and renew. In fact, they often work with a team of professionals who guide their training sessions. They receive plenty of support from physical therapists, coaches, nutritionists and sports medicine doctors who help them manage their training in a way that will not be depleting or damaging. How many of you have a team like this in your corner?

Moving your body should be a pleasure. It should be fun. If you are trying to survive your workouts, you will never develop a life-practice of fitness where you thrive. It's important that you begin to explore the kinds of movement you truly enjoy. If fitness is not a satisfying life-enhancing practice you will quickly find your enthusiasm dwindling. It's also important to think outside the box. Not all fitness is structured. Fitness can find its way into your day to day life experiences. I like to call these 'real life' workouts, or what scientists have dubbed, NEAT.

NEAT is an acronym for non-exercise activity thermogenesis. To simplify matters, NEAT is the movement you get in when you are living the rest of your life outside the gym, or the confines of structured workouts. Scientists have discovered a direct link between NEAT and physical well-being. One Mayo Clinic study found a correlation between a high NEAT factor and the body's ability to more effectively assimilate the energy from food. In essence, the key to being fit may be as simple as getting more daily movement into our lives sans gym.

Never in history have we been as inactive as we are today. Modern technology has provided us with many conveniences. These same conveniences have been somewhat detrimental to our health. Instead of getting up to turn the channel on the TV, we now use a remote. In fact, we have remotes for just about everything from stereo systems and garage doors, to something as simple as turning on and off lights. Rather than washing dishes by hand, we toss them in the dishwasher. We hop in our cars to drive to locations that are as close as a 5 minute walk away. We spend our time zoned out in front of the tube or the computer screen rather than being out in the world connecting with others and exploring our interests. We watch movies instead of enjoying days in the park. Kids play video games in favor of riding their bikes through the neighborhood.

If sweating it out in the gym was the route to wellness, we would be a nation of healthy people. Sadly, that's not the case. Our current rates of heart disease and diabetes speak volumes on the reality of our nation's state of health. Too many approach movement from the angle of trying to change the appearance of their body when really, it should be about feeling your best. There is no denying the beneficial effect of movement, but there is absolutely zero support for the idea that a foundational level of fitness can only be achieved in a gym, or by engaging in rigid workouts. We've all tried the conventional approach and it has fallen short. Instead of mindlessly adhering to the current fitness dogma, how about questioning these ideas we have been sold by a multi-billion dollar industry?

I encourage you to bring more NEAT into your life. Discover the benefit of natural movement. This may be the key to getting off the bench and back into the game of life. The following suggestions are easy ways you can boost your NEAT factor. Some of these tips also give back to the environment and stash money in the bank. Now that's a win-win for everyone...

Instead of driving, walk or bike to nearby locations.
Lower your carbon footprint by utilizing public transportation from time to time instead of always relying on your vehicle to get around.
Enjoy a walk on your lunch break even if it's just for a stroll around the block.
If you have a desk job, take mini breaks throughout the day. Get up out of your seat and stretch a little. Move around a bit.
Instead of e-mailing your co-worker, take the time to walk down to their office and speak with them in person.
Wash your dishes by hand.
Get up to turn the channel on your television.
Rather than disconnecting via TV, video games and the computer, get outdoors and bring back the simple pleasures of walks around the neighborhood, playing in the park with your kids, roller-blading the local paths, gathering together friends at the basketball court for a game of H.O.R.S.E, or enjoying a hike in nature.
Opt for the stairs over elevators and escalators.
Park at the far end of the lot when you go to the store.
Rather than eating out, cook a meal at home.
Turn on your favorite music and dance around the house while you do your cleaning.
Get out in your garden and dig in the dirt.
If you have a cordless phone, walk around a bit while talking.
Swap out a physioball for your usual desk chair.

These are a few ideas to get you started. Take a look at your life and see if there is a way you can build more movement into your day. You don't need to grind out taxing workouts. Simply use those feet of yours and get moving. With a little creativity and willingness you are sure to discover the many benefits that come from regular movement. Challenge your long-held beliefs about exercise and open yourself to experiencing fitness on a whole new level. Wouldn't it be great to free up some of that time you devote to the gym toward actually living your life? Give yourself the opportunity to find out just how wonderful it can be to move more and stress less.

Is It Eating Disorder?

2011-01-12T22:47:00.000-08:00

I wanted to post this information for those who struggle with body-image issues and feel that something is amiss in their relationship with food but are uncertain if an eating disorder is playing a role. I was further compelled to share this post with every mother, father, sister, brother, family member, or friend who suspects someone they love is suffering from an eating disorder. Maybe you have refrained from addressing the issue because you feel unclear about the source of the problem and don't want to further isolate your loved one. Hopefully, the information presented here can clear up any gray areas and give you the courage to intervene, if necessary. The following list of eating disorder signs is presented in, "The Eating Disorder Sourcebook - A Comprehensive Guide to the Causes, Treatments, and Prevention of Eating Disorders", By, Carolyn Costin M.A., M. Ed., M.F.T.

For those of you unfamiliar with Carolyn Costin's work, she has been a specialist in the field of eating disorders for over 30 years. She owns and directs several eating disorder treatment facilities including the Monte Nido Residential Treatment Facility in Malibu, California. Additionally, she is clinical advisor to the Parent Family Network of the National Eating Disorder Association. Carolyn Costin is the editor of, "Eating Disorders: The Journal of Treatment and Prevention". She is an established and respected author on the topic of eating disorders. Along with "The Eating Disorder Sourcebook", she has also published the titles, "Your Dieting Daughter" and "100 Questions About Eating Disorders". Carolyn Costin continues to educate and empower through her nationwide public speaking engagements. She was featured in the groundbreaking documentary "America the Beautiful". For a free viewing of this powerful full-length feature film that exposes the insidious way the current beauty ideal is creating a rise in eating disorders, follow the link below...

http://www.hulu.com/watch/198883/america-the-beautiful

This movie is a great resource for educators. The information covered in this film will speak to a wide range of age groups. Tweens and college students alike could derive great benefit from the material covered. A viewing could spark the initiation of meaningful dialogue on the subject of eating disorders. ED's have long been shrouded in secrecy and shame. It's time we talk about it, making it safe to ask questions and honestly discuss these topics. Both prevention and recovery depends on connection and open communication.

Below you will find the excerpt from "The Eating Disorder Sourcebook", which includes the telltale markers of eating disorder. An individual does not have to display every sign listed to be in need of help. The signs noted cover a broad range of eating disorders from clinically recognized anorexia and bulimia, to the classification of EDNOS which includes binge eating disorder, compulsive eating behaviors, yo-yo dieting, exercise addiction and other forms of self-abusive behavior. Not every individual will show all of these signs because of this distinction. Please keep this in mind when reviewing this list of symptoms. If you or someone you know is displaying any of these behaviors please find support. NEDA is a good place to start...

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/

Checklist of Observable and Non-Observable Signs of an Eating Disorder:

*Use the checklist here as a guide to substantiate your concerns.

Does anything to avoid hunger and eating and feels guilty after eating.
Is obsessive and preoccupied with food.
Eats large quantities of food secretly and/or eats when upset.
Counts calories obsessively.
Disappears into the bathroom after eating (probably to vomit food).
To lose weight takes diuretics, diet pills, laxatives, enemas, ipecac, and so forth.
Must earn food through exercising or exercises as punishment for overeating.
Is preoccupied with fat in food and on the body.
Increasingly eliminates food groups and/or eats only nonfat or "diet" foods.
Becomes a vegetarian BUT also avoids nuts, cheese, pasta, and many other foods.
Displays rigid control around food (e.g., type, quantity, and timing of food eaten).
Complains of being pressured by others to eat more or less.
Weighs obsessively, panics without a scale, is terrified of gaining weight.
Isolates himself or herself socially.
Substitutes sweets or alcohol for other nutritious foods.
Constantly needs reassurance regarding appearance, self-denigrating.
Constantly checks the fit of a belt, a bracelet, a ring, or "thin clothes".
Checks size of thighs when sitting and space between thighs when standing.
Uses large amounts of coffee, diet drinks, caffeine pills, or other stimulants.

Building a Bridge from ED to Intuitive Eating, Part 1: You Can't Put a Face on Eating Disorder... But You Can Face Them

2011-01-03T16:28:00.000-08:00

“Most patients who are in the throes of anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, or compulsive overeating have lost touch with their innate signals of hunger and fullness and taste preference. The physical starvation is often so grave in those who are suffering from anorexia nervosa that an attempt to listen to the signals of hunger or fullness can only lead to confusion and maintenance of the underfed state. If even the smallest amount of food is ingested, the slowed stomach emptying that occurs in anorexia pushes away signs of hunger and creates a false sense of fullness.”

“In the treatment of binging disorders, including bulimia, patients have become so accustomed to eating quantities of food that are larger than one’s normal needs that their interpretation of fullness is highly skewed. They so often have ignored hunger by eating for many other reasons, such as boredom, loneliness, anger, etc., that asking them to listen to hunger signals feels alien and frustrating. We begin, instead, by putting on our nutritionist caps and teaching them about normal body functioning, including the concept of blood sugar fluctuations and the body’s reaction to meals that are imbalanced or inadequate in terms of energy intake.”

“So, intuitive eating is best seen as the model of eating that will ultimately become one’s own. This happens after there has been a period of time for healing the body physically and shifting the cognitive distortions that rule the mind of someone who has developed an eating disorder as a coping mechanism.” – Excerpt from, “Intuitive Eating: A Revolutionary Program That Works”, By, Evelyn Tribole, M.S., R.D. and Elyse Resch, M.S., R.D., F.A.D.A.

“Hello… I’d like you to meet my frenemy, ED”

For a long time now I have felt like there was a piece of the puzzle missing in the ultimate design of intuitive eating. Something about the process felt off. Working as an intuitive eating counselor, I have seen far more people struggle to embrace the path of intuitive eating than I have seen readily take to it. I have experienced difficulty myself and this is after four years of believing I was an intuitive eater. In order to paint a clear picture, it’s necessary to share the story of my struggle. It is a struggle shared by many worldwide who have crossed my path on this journey.

In October of 2009 I experienced a relapse of my eating disorder issues. I have a long history of eating disorder with the first signs emerging when I was 10 years old. By the time I was 12, ED was running the show. I battled anorexia and purging behavior off and on over a period of 12 years. I never received any kind of professional support for my eating disorder even in my most desperate state of crisis. At that point, I was 24 years old. My weight had plummeted to a dangerously low level. At a height of 5’7”, I was a slip of a woman, registering a mere 85 lbs. I was vomiting blood on a daily basis. I was isolated, without the necessary support I needed. Many of my friends, feeling fearful and not understanding the gravity of the situation, turned their backs on me. The abandonment and rejection was almost more than I could bear. The intensity of the shame and humiliation I felt is beyond words. Somehow, in the darkness of that bleak space I was able to strike a match. That inner light, however small, illuminated the possibility of hope burning brightly in the distance. I reached for it with both hands like a moth drawn to a flame. I clawed my way out of that dark tunnel and nurtured myself back to some semblance of health. It would be many years before I would notice that ED was still hanging out in the background, lurking in the shadows of my consciousness.

I had a brief period of stabilization. Life felt good for awhile. I was out of the danger zone health-wise and things were looking up in my life. I finally found the courage to stand up for myself and leave behind the abuse. I left a dead-end job in the dust and moved on to a new career as a therapeutic massage therapist, working alongside doctors, providing physical therapy for patients. It felt deeply rewarding to be earning a right livelihood by helping others find healing. In restoring others, I felt renewal in my own soul. Call it karma yoga.

I took a leap of faith and manifested a lifelong dream, opening up my own practice. I had reached a goal many doubted I would achieve, launching my own business at the age of 27. My practice was booming. I found instant success. Within my first month of opening doors I recovered all my start-up costs plus found myself securely in the black with a handsome profit. It only continued up from there. I was working hard, but for the first time in my life I had financial security and was able to treat myself to the finer things. Within a few months, everything I had worked so hard for was reduced to nothing more than ash when a practitioner who shared space with me left a hot plate burning that set a fire, quickly consuming the building. I’ll never forget standing in the charred remains of what used to be my treatment room. How quickly life can completely change on the drop of a dime and leave you reeling senseless. I was not able to salvage a single thing except for a large statue of a fairy that I had sitting in the corner who somehow managed to survive the fire, her face glowing pearly white against a backdrop of blacken ash. I kept her as a reminder that even within darkness, there is light.

After this event, I hit the wall. Truth be told, the fire was a symbolic message... a divine intervention, if you will. I was burned out. The field of rehabilitative massage is a taxing one. I didn’t do what therapists have dubbed ‘club rubs’... the massages you get at frou-frou spas where they pet you into submission. I did deep tissue, neuromuscular retraining, Heller work, sports massage, and action release/trigger point therapy. This kind of work exacts a major toll on the body. I was in high demand and often found myself grinding through 60 hour work weeks. I was spent. My body depleted, I collapsed. I struggled for many years and saw a reactivation of my eating disorder issues, but this time it took a different form… non-purging bulimia. I used excessive exercise and tight eating as my compensatory behavior for the binges that were becoming ever more frequent. My weight escalated and I quickly became morbidly obese. I never discovered my highest point because it became too depressing to see the rising numbers after awhile. I felt completely powerless against my body which only made my anxiety rise. This was a new experience for me. I had never been a large woman. I had gone through periods of being softer, fleshier, a bit zaftig perhaps, but never to the extent that it was difficult for me to function physically. I felt ashamed and trapped like a prisoner in my body with no hope of parole.

“Off with her head!”

Physically, this was a scary place to be. I was constantly getting winded and could barely make it around the block without having to stop to catch my breath. I was scared to sleep. When I laid down for bed I could feel this crushing weight on my chest. It felt suffocating. The worst part was that my ED tricks were no longer working. No amount of compensation could unravel the cascade of biological events that were happening in my body. This is the part of eating disorder that many people don’t talk about. I think it’s time we did.

Eating disorders do serious physical damage to your body. They wreak havoc on your digestive system and once that damage has been done, it takes a long time and much effort to repair your internal terrain. When your digestion heads south, watch out! You become vulnerable to a whole slew of physical health complications. Unable to assimilate the nutrients from food, your state of well-being quickly deteriorates. It may seem like ED is helping you obtain the coveted prize of a thinner body but you can rest assured, there will come a time when you have to pay the piper and the price exacted will be your heavy head. Take it from someone who knows. It’s not worth it.

My body was in constant pain because of depleting bone mass. I had a bone density screening and the nurse practitioner was highly disturbed by my results. She informed me that I was only 3 points away from being like an 80 year old woman with osteoporosis. She had never seen a woman in her twenties with these results in all her years of practice. I found myself having to visit my dentist frequently for dental caries. My immune system was shot. I seemed to get every virus that came around the bend. It was very common during those days for me to be laid out sick for weeks on end. Every time I tried to exercise to address my escalating weight it was like throwing a match into a barrel of kerosene. My body was on fire and it was screaming at me, “Stop! Please stop! Be gentle with me. Be kind. I can’t take this abuse anymore!” My body was in the trenches of eating disorder, raising the white flag of surrender, but sadly, for many more years the battle raged on. Ultimately, my energy was completely snuffed out. I blew out my thyroid.

Many people are unaware that a major contributor to hypothyroid conditions is a history of chronic dieting. It’s no wonder that thyroid disease has reached almost epidemic proportions in the United States with our cultural diet obsession. The irony is, the longer you restrict, yo-yoing back and forth between feast and famine, the more your body will put up a fight for self-preservation. This is why many people find that despite the small amount of food they eat and the more strenuously they exercise their body only holds on to fat stores for dear life. This is because in a very real sense biologically, it is a life or death struggle. After years of abuse and self-neglect of basic needs, our bodies remain in a state of high-alert, never knowing when the next meal will come. Despite being fed, this uncertainty will linger. How long will this food be available? When will the next famine arrive?

To the average person trying to live up to society's one-note beauty ideal this pursuit may seem harmless. Intellectually, you may understand that you are choosing to forgo food in favor of thinness, but this is completely irrational to your body. The body adapts in these situations and will slow everything to a grinding halt, including metabolism. This is why it is very common for restrictive eaters, chronic dieters and those who have battled anorexia to deal with overweight/obesity conditions later in life. We can’t blame our bodies. They are responding accurately to a lack of food security. We have to stop working against our bodies and instead work with our natural biological drives if we ever hope to have lasting healing.

There’s a Light in My Attic

After 9 more years of struggle with bulimia, beaten down and spent, I finally made the decision to give up the fight. I made a commitment to never diet again. I wanted to reconnect with my body. Even though I was a very large woman, I couldn’t be concerned about my body size. I was so tired of the constant struggle... the fight that came every morning when first opening my eyes and wondering if today was going to be a good day or a bad day. Most were bad days. I couldn’t take the sheer disappointment… the numbness and apathy… of living that way a moment longer.

I decided to embrace intuitive eating. The first year was challenging. I continued to exhibit bulimic behavior, but I was seeing slow and steady improvement. My second year into intuitive eating, my binges fell away. However, an air of restrictiveness remained. I couldn’t see this at the time, but looking back now, it is very clear to me. I will share how this restrictiveness stayed in place in hopes that it may help others recognize destructive patterns within themselves.

I was very conscious about eating just to the point of satiation. This is something that is recommended in the book, “Intuitive Eating”. Unfortunately, since I never received any help for my eating disorder I had certain distorted perceptions about food, hunger and satiety embedded in my brain. Adhering to this guideline kept me in a state of perpetual underfeeding. Additionally, I continued to over-exercise. Not to the extent that I once did at the most exacerbated point in my ED history, but imbalanced nonetheless. I frequently hit periods of over-training and injury. I summed this up to being the end result of trying to exercise as a heavy woman and something I just needed to push through.

After two and a half years binge-free, I felt better than I had in a decade. A doctor’s appointment confirmed that I had released 70 lbs. effortlessly. My energy was improving. My health was on the mend. I had a new respect for my body and felt a peace around food that I never had at any point in my life. During this period of time I became certified as an intuitive eating counselor by going through the training program designed by, Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch, the authors of, “Intuitive Eating”. I was listed on the national directory and made the decision to pay it forward by founding, “Through Thick & Thin”. My vision was to establish a sacred space in the format of an online community where support would be free. We would uphold a 'come as you are' atmosphere where every member would feel welcome, fully accepted, and receive resources for their recovery. It was a lofty vision because that level of integrity is rarely seen on the internet, but we have somehow managed to hit the mark. Every time I hear a member express that “Through Thick & Thin” is one of the only places they feel free to be themselves, accepted and safe, it reminds me of the value of the work we are doing collectively as a community. I felt I had mastered recovery.

Building a Bridge from ED to Intuitive Eating, Part 2: The Birth of Relapse

2011-01-03T16:27:00.001-08:00

An Itch Begging To Be Scratched

2009 was a year to remember, though not fondly. At the time, I was married and my former husband faced a major health crisis. At a dinner party, he suddenly fell unconscious. His heart had stopped. He had no respiration. I had to resuscitate him with CPR. It was a very traumatic experience for me. What followed were months of doctor visits as we tried to ascertain what led to this crisis. We never did reach a definitive diagnosis. It was a time of uncertainty and my sense of safety was rocked. This came on the tail of my father's medical emergency. He went in for a routine cardiac stress test only to be admitted to the hospital on critical status. The main artery that feeds his heart was 80% blocked. It was not a matter of if he would have a heart attack, but when. The cardiac specialist who counseled my family expressed how lucky we were to catch this. It was unlikely my father would have survived the degree of heart attack that was brewing and if he did, he would have wished he hadn't. Within 24 hours he was transported to San Francisco for an emergency bypass operation. The fragility of our mortality seemed to be a running theme. There was death in the family and many losses to grieve. One of my dearest friends was mourning the sudden death of her only son. He passed unexpectedly due to a genetic heart condition that was never caught at birth. Understandably, she needed to rely heavily on me for emotional support. Upheaval was the order of the day.

They say when it rains it pours and in my neck of the woods, it was dropping by the bucketful. I began to feel overwhelmed. Every safe space was crowded out by an ever-expansive sense of impending doom. My heart sank when the phone rang because it usually brought more bad news. My sense of anxiety grew as I realized that life promises no guarantees... that safety and security are mere illusions we pin our hopes upon. This is something I had always grasped intellectually, but mental knowledge is quite different from direct experience. This pushed play on some old tapes that habitually run through my mind during times of great stress. A sense of wondering when the other shoe was going to drop colored every waking moment. I saw the reemergence of ED.

At first, it was an isolated incident. A binge here, some ‘careful’ eating there, then progressing to periods of ignored hunger and over-exercise. At first, I chalked it up to all the crisis I had been wading through. I knew these coping mechanisms were comfort zones for me. Naturally, with my sense of overwhelm increasing my survival instincts would guide me to rely on old ways of dealing with difficult emotions and situations. This is the only way I have known to keep myself afloat since I was a little girl. I decided that if I could be more aware I would be able to reel myself back in and reconnect with intuitive eating. It wasn’t that easy.

As my eating disorder behavior increased my body was thrown into crisis. My health started to nosedive. This only fueled the fire of urgency to ‘get back on track’. Medical doctors were admonishing me left and right to lose weight or else. Though they were pleased with the progress I had made up to that point with intuitive eating, it wasn’t good enough. When they saw my weight release stall due to enforced starvation, it upped the ante. Each medical appointment became a flogging session that led to mounting frustration.

My doctors are aware of my eating disorder history. What I would like to let medical professionals know is heaping this kind of pressure on patients with eating disorder issues is irresponsible. It is like flipping the switch on those latent tendencies. We need more compassion from the medical community. Slimness does not equal sound health. I am living proof of that fact in light of my personal history.

By October 2009 my balance reached the tipping point and I saw a full-blown relapse of eating disorder. I exhibited non-purging bulimic behavior in full bloom. Days would go by where I would starve, existing off nothing more than a single fruit smoothie. Eventually, my biological drives would kick in and I would experience subsequent binging. The binges could last days on end. I stayed in this pattern for close to a month distracting myself by disassociating through the channels of over-work and over-obligation. “No” ceased to be part of my vocabulary. I was stretched paper thin. Somehow, the intuitive knowing I had nurtured the decade since initiating my healing process kicked in. I woke from my haze and realized I was in trouble. I needed help.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

ED has always been a shitty partner. ‘He’ expects so much and gives nothing in return. ‘He’ is a sadist… hell-bent submission. It’s ‘his’ way or the highway. Every time I've tried to use my voice in the past and stand up for myself, ED told me to ‘shut up’. ‘He’ is a gatekeeper. ED wanted to keep me under lock and key. ‘He’ would never willingly grant me freedom. ED isolated me from my friends, family, and the things that make my heart full. ‘He’ crowded out all space for my soul to breathe. ‘He’ sought to make me smaller… to strip me of my power. I was so over ED. Breaking up is hard to do, but it was time for me to move on and ditch this toxic love affair. One thing was certain. ED had to go. I'd glimpsed the other side. Although the grass may not always be greener, in this case it is. I packed ED's bags and gave 'him' a swift kick to the curb.

It may seem funny to describe eating disorder as a relationship, but that is exactly what it becomes. Anyone who has experienced the death grip of ED knows it’s like being in an abusive relationship with your self. You feel divided, as if there is a civil war going on within you complete with two dueling sides. One side wants recovery so badly it can nearly taste it and the other side doesn’t want to relinquish the control required to get free. At some point you have to dig deep and find that small still place inside… the place where the authentic you lives… and using all the strength you can muster, walk out that door toward a life that holds no space for ED in it. This is exactly what I have done.

I began my journey into recovery by attending a day long workshop at Beyond Hunger that was led by one of the therapists who co-wrote the book, “It’s Not About Food.” This is the first time I ever sought any kind of eating disorder support for myself. It was an essential first step. The workshop was a condensed version of the book so I didn’t receive any monumental benefit from the experience. I didn’t let that discourage me. Sometimes, you have to be open to exploring your options when you first reach out for help. Serendipitously, there was a therapist attending the workshop who specialized in eating disorder. When I asked if there were any other ED support resources in the area she guided me to a free ANAD (Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders), support group that has weekly meetings in a neighboring city. When you reach out for help you may not get the answer you expect, but often are led to exactly what you need.

I have been faithfully attending weekly ANAD meetings and going through therapy with an eating disorder specialist since December 2009. I've also worked consistently with a registered dietitian through Kaiser's eating disorder treatment program. The experience has changed my life. There are so many things I have discovered about the way I move through this world that I was completely unaware of before. Some days are better than others. Opening up and peeling back the layers can feel scary at times, especially when you are so used to living closed off and shut down. There are moments when the intensity of my emotion takes my breath away. I am sorting through a lifetime of repressed gunk. I’m learning to hold space for the suffering. I don't wallow in it. I gently welcome it in to sit for a spell so it can speak its language to me. Through this process of self-inquiry, I have gained a better understanding of myself. Little by little the part of me that longed for full recovery grew stronger until my emancipation became reality.

Here I am, a year later after beginning this journey and I know with absolute certainty that eating disorder is part of my history, not my future. I have zero investment in self-abuse. I have come to gain too much genuine love and respect for myself. I was very fortunate that I had the awareness to get myself the eating disorder support that had always eluded me. My relapse was in the birthing stages at the time I reached out. All the healing work I had done on my own had made a difference. It nurtured an awareness that allowed me to easily spot old patterns resurfacing. A mere month of emerging behavior was all it took to wake me into action. I knew if left unattended, the eating disorder would take over and I would slide into the danger zone. I couldn't fail myself like that again.

Building a Bridge from ED to Intuitive Eating, Part 3: ED's Accomplice... EDNOS

2011-01-03T16:27:00.000-08:00

As I began my recovery process I became more aware of certain struggles the members of the “Through Thick & Thin” community were experiencing. Repeatedly, I saw similar threads emerge. When I came out to the community and shared the truth about my relapse it sparked a lot of discussion on the forum. The more we honestly shared with each other, the more our similarities became evident. In hearing my story, others heard echoes of their own voice. Some were ready to step up to the plate and acknowledge that they too, struggle with eating disorder. Others felt apprehensive about wearing that label as if it were the equivalent of brandishing a scarlet letter. Many who felt fearful of looking into their shadowy areas have since found the courage to strike their own matches and see what has been lurking in the dark all these years. All over the “Through Thick & Thin” forum we were opening communication and talking about eating disorder. This act of truth-telling has erased the shame and given more people the courage to own their experience along with their path to recovery.

We have always had members in our community who deal with the clinical eating disorders anorexia and bulimia but in the past, we have seemed like a minority. However, since I began to share information about EDNOS many members are recognizing that eating disorder may be at the root of their food and body image struggles.

EDNOS stands for Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. It is a horribly limiting diagnosis which prevents people from getting the help and support they need. Many with EDNOS fall through the cracks and spend their lives constantly battling a feeling that something in their relationship with food and their body is amiss, but they can’t quite put their finger on it. All their efforts to find the peace they seek seem to fall to the wayside despite their dedication to heal. It can be very painful and confusing for these individuals. EDNOS is a serious issue that requires support. It should not be swept under the rug like some dirty little secret.

EDNOS today can quickly spiral into clinical eating disorder tomorrow. It can cost you the heavy price of your life. “Through Thick & Thin” wants to give all those living with EDNOS a voice in our effort to educate and empower. We know your pain. We understand your struggle. You are not alone. It’s time for your voice to be heard.

EDNOS is the gray area of eating disorder. It comes in many shades and hues. Vlogger, ‘xxstrawberrykissezxx’ on YouTube described the experience of EDNOS so clearly when she expressed in her video…

“You know you’re EDNOS…

When one day you can’t imagine eating over 1,000 calories and the next you hit 2,000 or more.

When you tell people, (including health professionals) you have an ED and they don’t believe you.

When your weight always stays the same because the starving and the binging seem to cancel each other out.

When no one sees your emotional pain because you’re not thin enough to show it.

When you want the definition of anorexia to change so you can fit into something for once.

When your weeks tend to go… purge, fast, purge, fast… binge, binge, binge.

When someone asks you what ED you have you say, ‘All of them… on different days… and not to the extreme.’

When you eat until your stomach hurts and then realize you don’t feel like purging.

When you go to the supermarket and buy all healthy stuff and then go back to buy all the junk food.

When you reward a day of restricting by binging.

When you starve all day but eat over 2,000 cals at night.

When you drink until you vomit because… well, because you want to.

When you feel like you’re anorexic but sure don’t look it!

And when you wish food didn’t exist because it would be so much easier that way.

Anyone can suffer an eating disorder. They strike regardless of age, sex, or race. And whatever the weight of a disordered eater… under, normal, or overweight… they can all suffer the same pain.”

I think this captures the essence of EDNOS better than anything I have ever come across. A person does not have to have every experience that is described here in order to have an issue that needs intervention. Displaying even one of these behaviors is cause for concern. If you or someone you know is dealing with these issues, please reach out for support. It can be a scary first step to take but it is one that will put you back on the road to reclaiming ownership of your life.

It dawned on me that the vast majority of those who come to the path of intuitive eating contend with some level of disordered eating, with many falling in the EDNOS category. Most don’t turn to the intuitive approach until they have reached complete diet burnout. Inside, they know that something has to give. They can’t keep going on like this. Having exhausted all their resources, intuitive eating becomes a last resort… the final hope. There are no absolutes and occasionally a person stumbles along the intuitive approach before dieting behaviors become deeply entrenched. However, in the vast majority of cases there is lengthy chronic dieting history or episodes of eating disorder.

Medical professionals and researchers have noted a distinct link between chronic dieting and the rise of eating disorder. Often, dieting is a gateway into eating disorder for those with genetic, societal, and emotional vulnerabilities. Even someone without this propensity can get caught up in this vicious cycle because dieting distorts our perceptions about food and our bodies. It is my belief that the large majority of individuals who turn to intuitive eating deal with some level of eating disorder, varying in degree of severity all the way from meeting clinical criteria for ED, to falling in the murky range of EDNOS. This has been played out in full view within the “Through Thick & Thin” community.

Most individuals attempting to integrate an intuitive approach to food struggle greatly. I have witnessed a high level of confusion and subsequent relapse into disordered eating behaviors. These behaviors fall into a wide range from restricting, over-exercising and occasional purges, to chronic binging and compulsive overeating. All too often I have heard the body bashing and self-denigration so indicative of the eating disorder mentality. I have seen patterns of emotional issues, social anxieties, intimacy and relationship struggles that are the blueprint of ED.

Building a Bridge from ED to Intuitive Eating, Part 4: The Missing Piece of the Puzzle

2011-01-03T16:24:00.001-08:00

In a crystallizing moment, I discovered the missing piece to the puzzle. I finally understand why so many people are not finding complete recovery through the path of intuitive eating. Quintessentially, the intuitive eating approach puts the cart before the horse. It works on the basis of assumption that most do not deal with any degree of eating disorder, when sadly, this is far from the truth. The reality is actually the mirror opposite.

Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch have hit the nail on the head when they express the challenges that someone faces in integrating an intuitive eating approach when there is a pre-existing condition of eating disorder. They outline the importance of educating individuals about how to properly nourish their bodies and in many cases, employ a rehabilitative plan that will provide the safety of a certain level of structure. This allows the individual to gradually release distorted behaviors and perceptions around food as they are nurtured back to health physically and cognitively. Once this balance has been established, the individual can be guided gently into learning how to listen to their body’s internal cues to direct eating experiences. Intuitive eating is the ultimate destination, but a large majority of people coming to this path may need to take a detour, first learning how to properly care for themselves by addressing internal imbalances that result from a history of ED/EDNOS or chronic dieting.

I can hear it now… “Wait a minute! I know what’s healthy. I could probably school my doctor in nutrition. I’ve read so many books on how to eat. I’ve been on countless plans. How is this supposed to help?! Isn’t a plan just another diet?” What many neglect to acknowledge is that the vast majority of their nutritional information has come from faulty sources. Most have received their nutritional ‘education’ from fad diets and the media who is always quick to jump on the bandwagon of the latest food hype. Tell me I’m wrong. We’ve all heard the never-ending droning of the media machine extolling the virtues of acai berries and mangosteen. For every ‘It’ girl in Hollywood we have a corresponding ‘It’ food… the flavor of the moment… and it sucks people in. First coffee is ‘bad’ for us, and then it's ‘proven’ to prevent dementia. How many foods have been put into the penalty box only to be redeemed a few short months later? Remember how we demonized carbs? That screwed up many people’s perceptions of this essential fuel source. Now we are being encouraged to bring grains back to the table. What gives?

The funny thing is the core nutritional information for building a foundation of health hasn’t shifted all these years we've been trying on different fashion food trends. I can read your thoughts… “Oh great… here we go with the Food Pyramid and the dreaded countdown of servings a day. Here come back the measuring cups, food scales, the lists of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ foods. I knew it!” Wrong again. “Through Thick & Thin” would never pull the rug out from under you like that. Besides, there is much room for improvement when it comes to the Food Pyramid. Marion Nestle agrees.

Marion Nestle is Paulette Goddard Professor in the Department of Nutrition, Food Studies, and Public Health at New York University. She chaired the Department of Public Health from 1988-2003. She holds degrees in molecular biology and an M.P.H. in public health nutrition issued by UC Berkley. She has schooled physicians, residents, and medical students at the UCSF School of Medicine. She has served as a member on the FDA Food Advisory Committee and Science Board, the USDA/DHHS Dietary Guidelines Advisory Committee, and the American Cancer Society who establish nutritional protocol for cancer prevention. This is the short list of her numerous contributions to the field of nutrition. She is a highly regarded professional. You would be hard-pressed to find a member of the medical/dietetic community willing to go head to head with Marion Nestle. She knows her stuff and has poked many holes in the value of the Food Pyramid.

If you feel compelled to learn more about nutrition I encourage you to read Marion Nestle’s book, “What to Eat” where she sorts through the ‘Big Food’ hoopla to reveal the simple truth. It’s not complicated, but the food corporations have made it that way. In fact, the current Food Pyramid is more strongly influenced by commercial gain than by public interest. If you have any doubt about this I welcome you to read Marion Nestle’s telling book, “Food Politics: How the Food Industry Influences Nutrition and Health”.

What I appreciate about Marion Nestle is that she presents an informed, well-rounded view. She knows both sides of the story and is able to present the facts free from bias. I view her approach to nutrition as integrative. Unshackled by the conventional approach, she is open to applying alternative nutritional therapies where they have merit. Neither too far on the left, nor right side of the fence, she can meet the public in the middle and provide a balanced view.

If any food pyramid were to be employed in the design of our plan, “Through Thick & Thin” favors the “Food For Thought Pyramid – How to REALLY Enhance Your Health” created by, Laura McKibbin, LICSW that is founded on the HAES (Health At Every Size) approach. The “Food For Thought Pyramid” features:

Genetics, Luck (6-11 servings)
Socioeconomic Factors: Country of birth, race, gender, income, access to healthcare, freedom from violence (6-11 servings)
Relationships and Social Support: People, pets (3-5 servings)
Purpose and Meaning: Spirituality, altruism, contact with nature, forgiveness (2-4 servings)
Humor, Optimism, Play (2-3 servings)
Emotional Resilience: Healthy management and expression of anger and other emotions, ability to take action (2-3 servings)
Exercise (1 serving)
Nutritional Advice (Use Sparingly): Instead, rely on internal cues

Sources: Dean Ornish, Jon Kabat-Zinn, Bernie Siegel, The Buddha, Gloria Steinem, Viktor Frankl, Glenn Gaesser, Mother Teresa, Martin Seligman, Jesus of Nazareth, Jon Robison, Larry Dossey, Jean Baker-Miller, the World Health Organization, my Mom, your gut intuition.

As described on the website the “Food For Thought Pyramid” was, “Designed as a tongue in cheek response to and criticism of the FDA’s Food Guide Pyramid.” There are “Food For Thought Pyramid” posters available for purchase at:

http://www.food-for-thought-pyramid.com/

In a spirit of paying it forward, every poster purchased allots 20% of the proceeds to the Ecumenical Food Shelf of Alberta Lea, MN. Or if preferred, you can provide the name of a food bank in your area that you would like the funds to be distributed to and they will make a donation in your name to the facility of your choice. This poster is a great way to visually remind yourself to keep your perspective on your journey and to heed your counsel first when it comes to making decisions about your path to recovery.

Our ultimate destination is intuitive eating. Those who are currently struggling with ED/EDNOS issues may need a helping hand to rehabilitate their bodies so they can get back to a balanced state biologically where they can once again rely on internal cues. For those who have been coming up against a wall of resistance in implementing intuitive eating, this approach may also prove beneficial for you. Please be mindful that this is a temporary means. The intention is not for you to fall back on this plan indefinitely. The idea is to help you get reconnected with your personal rhythms and bodily signals. I encourage you to give yourself at least 3 weeks to work with this technique so you can experience the rebalancing benefits that come from nourishing your body deeply.

This approach is being outlined for those dealing with eating disorder. If you have found your transition into intuitive eating to be a smooth, seamless one and your formerly imbalanced behaviors around food have stabilized… congratulations. It’s empowering to reconnect with your body and inner sense of knowing. There is no need for you to make any alterations. This approach is not for you. I request respect for those in our community who may need to rely on this transitional technique. If this plan is not for you, it does not mean that it is not needed by another who feels disconnected from their body. Honor the right for each individual to chart the course that is needed for them in their recovery.

Building a Bridge from ED to Intuitive Eating, Part 5... Consistent Self-Care

2011-01-03T16:24:00.000-08:00

“Planning is bringing the future into the present so that you can do something about it now.” – Alan Lakein

In keeping aligned with the, “Food For Thought Pyramid” we are going to use nutritional counsel sparingly. I am going to provide you with some general guidelines. I will show you how to tailor a personal ‘plan’ that will help meet your individual needs. This 'plan' will bridge the gap between where you are now to where you hope to be... living as a natural, intuitive eater. We will discuss some basic nutrition. Before you begin rolling your eyes, have no fear, we will not discuss portions sizes, except in the most simplified sense. Our goal is to make this as uncomplicated as possible. A stripped-down approach to portions will be covered in an effort to create a foundation of understanding. What will be outlined is the minimal amount of food that needs to be eaten in order to foster a sense of health and well-being.

Those with ED often have faulty perceptions in this area. Much like Goldilocks, they are used to piling their plates to overfull or leaving them near empty in their attempt to find their 'just right'. The vast majority with ED exhibit some form of restrictive eating. This statement applies whether the individual struggles with anorexia, bulimia, binge eating disorder, compulsive overeating, or all the many shades of EDNOS in between. Those who tend toward binging/chronic overeating often have periods of restriction where meals are skipped or only small amounts of food are eaten as a compensatory measure to 'make up' for out of control eating.

Additionally, when people binge or chronically overeat, rarely is it on nourishing foods. Binge foods stereotypically lean toward those of the play food persuasion… candy, pastries, chips, fast food, ice cream, and the like. These foods, though tasty, are relatively nutritionally devoid. They are an essential part of any diet for the role they play in satisfaction. Pleasurable eating experiences are vital. However, it’s best to think of these foods as spices and seasonings. They provide variety, interest, and enjoyment to our meals. They are not a substitute for the main course. This is how someone categorized as morbidly obese can be nutritionally undernourished, despite their body size. In essence, many bingers and compulsive overeaters are restricting nourishing foods. All of these factors create a physiologic environment where the body is in a chronically underfed state. This is one element that all eating disorders have in common. Although, this is more readily apparent in cases where individuals are chronically under-eating, restricting, and in a state of starvation, this applies across the board in all ED conditions.

Until this state of internal deficiency is addressed, it will be next to impossible to rely on bodily signals to guide eating choices. It’s kind of like the telephone game you used to play as a kid where you would whisper a phrase in a friend’s ear and they would pass it along. The further down the line the phrase traveled, the more distorted the end message became. This is the distortion that takes place when someone with ED is first learning to decipher bodily signals. Much gets lost in translation. This is largely related to the contributing factors of severe blood sugar fluctuations and nutritional deficiencies, both of which lead to physical and cognitive imbalances. Until these two factors are addressed the dysfunction will remain rooted. There is no way for a balanced relationship with food to develop when it rests on that foundation. The material outlined here will help you build a new foundation that will support you fully in your recovery, improving your health physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Before I get further into this information I want to make it very clear that if you are dealing with ED/EDNOS, it is vital to have support and work with a recovery team of professionals who specialize in eating disorder. A nutritionist who has experience working with eating disorders can be a very valuable member of your team. The knowledge I am sharing here is in no way intended to replace the counsel and guidance of an eating disorder specialist. The approach I am outlining is for informational purposes only. What you choose to do with this information is your decision alone. I encourage those who are working with nutritionists to share what is presented here. Have your RD look over what is outlined to make sure it is a fit for you and your recovery program. My intention is to help those who are struggling understand that in making the transition from ED to intuitive eating, it is often necessary to build a bridge in order to get to the other side.

This ‘plan’ has an intuitive element. This is intentional. I believe it’s very important to begin the process of reconnecting with your inner guidance right off the bat, with a little structure and assistance along the way. I will not be telling you what to eat, when, or how much. I will be sharing what sound nutrition is. I will explain how to compose your meals in a way that stabilizes blood sugar and mood. I will outline the minimum amount of food needed for the body to function. This is not a limiting factor. You are free to eat more if this is what your body requires. All foods are on the menu. You are free to eat whatever you like. In fact, I encourage you to regularly include pleasure foods you love into your ‘plan’. This will up your satisfaction factor. I will be presenting a road map, but you are the one in the driver’s seat. It is up to you which route you take to get to the final destination.

If you want to implement this approach I strongly urge you to commit to it for at least three weeks. Your body needs some time to rebalance. This will be necessary if you wish to experience the beneficial effect deep nourishing can bring. Give yourself that gift. Trying this out for a day or two will not do much for you. This should be viewed as part of your process toward becoming an intuitive eater.

Building a Bridge from ED to Intuitive Eating, Part 6: Nutrition 101

2011-01-03T16:22:00.000-08:00

What is sound nutrition?

Sound nutritional nourishment is created when the majority of food choices come from plant sources. These include:

Starchy Complex Carbs: Whole grains, whole grain/sprouted grain breads, whole grain cereals, pastas and crackers, brown rice, grits, polenta, potatoes, yams
Non-Starchy Complex Carbs: Fruits (fresh and dried), 100% fruit juices, vegetables, 100% vegetable juices
Protein: Beans, lentils, split peas, tofu, nuts, nut butters, seeds, soy/nut milks
Fats/Oils: Olives, olive/vegetable oils

That’s right folks… carbs are the foundation of sound nourishment. They are not the ‘bad guys’ they have been made out to be. Despite what you may have heard in recent years, this one nutritional tenet has never changed. Our bodies need nourishing carbs and plenty of them in order to function properly. This includes starchy carbs, not just fruits and veggies. Without this essential nutrient, our energy plummets and our health suffers. Most Americans get plenty of fast absorbing carbs in the form of highly-processed white flour products, sugar, and sweets. This is how carbs have earned a spot in the penalty box. We have all seen the detrimental effects resulting from over-consumption of highly-processed foods and sugar. Our escalating diabetes rates clearly demonstrate the aftermath of a diet based on simple carbs. However, we largely turn to simple carbs because we are so deficient in complex carbohydrates. It’s akin to a dog chasing its own tail.

Complex carbohydrates provide a vast array of essential nutrients and one that is sorely lacking in the Standard American Diet (SAD)… fiber. Fiber is a pillar of disease prevention. One of the best things you can do for your body is up your fiber. Now, does this mean you can never enjoy simple carbs? Absolutely not! However, you will be best served by letting the majority of your choices come from complex carbohydrate sources. For our intents and purposes of nutritionally rehabilitating the body, I encourage you to make at least half of your choices from complex carbohydrate sources before you fall back on highly-processed foods. The more you favor complex carbohydrates, the more you will see your energy increase. Your moods will stabilize as brain-fog begins to clear. Binging/compulsive overeating will start to fall away. You’ll also notice a distinct reduction in cravings for sweets.

Now, you may be wondering, “Where are the meat, dairy, and eggs? Are you asking me to become a vegetarian?” Nope… try again. We are going to get into that in just a minute. Before we cover that topic, I want to assure you that you can get all the protein you need from plant sources. Plants provide all the essential amino acids. In the old days they used to believe that in order to make a complete protein out of plant sources you had to food combine. Combining rice with beans is an example of this outdated food philosophy. We now know the body will balance out amino acid intake throughout the day of its own accord. Food combining for complete protein is not necessary. This statement is in fact supported by the ADA (American Dietetic Association).

Vegetarians who are getting all of their protein from plant sources need to be mindful of keeping up their vitamin C intake. This is because there are two types of protein... heme and non-heme. Meat is the only heme protein source. This bears mentioning because heme proteins provide essential iron. Heme sourced iron is more easily absorbed by the body than it is from plant sources. In fact, meat eaters absorb on average 15-35% of the iron from heme protein, whereas vegetarians, including lacto-ovo vegetarians who continue to consume eggs and dairy products, only absorb 2-20% of the iron from non-heme sources. This is important to consider because iron deficiency can lead to anemic conditions. There is no reason for concern though because this reduction in absorbability can easily be addressed by getting plenty of vitamin C rich foods. Vitamin C facilitates more complete iron absorption from non-heme protein sources. Foods rich in vitamin C are:

Sweet red bell peppers, parsley, broccoli, cauliflower, strawberries, mustard greens, papaya, grapefruit, kiwi, oranges, cantaloupe, cabbage, tomatoes, raspberries, celery, spinach, pineapple, watermelon, tangerines, limes, cranberries, guava

Realistically, most vegetarians are getting a wide variety of these vitamin C rich foods so the great iron debate can be put to rest. A plant-based way of eating can absolutely fulfill all of your nutritional requirements, so long as you are being mindful of nourishing yourself from a variety of nutritional sources. I’m sure this now raises some questions regarding calcium. Don’t you need milk in order to get the calcium needed to strengthen bones? The short answer is no. Plenty of plant foods contain highly-absorbable calcium. Plant foods high in calcium are:

Green leafy vegetables, nuts, oranges, kidney beans, lima beans, whole grains, Swiss chard, lentils, raisins, broccoli, kale, celery, tofu, romaine lettuce

In fact, it is a myth that you need to consume dairy in order to fulfill your calcium need. You may be thinking… “What about osteoporosis? Don’t I have to get 3 servings of dairy products a day in order to stave off bone loss?” Wrong again. In examining nutritional guidelines it is important to remember the politics of food. Food industries dish out a lot of cash to take up more space on the USDA Food Pyramid. Keep that in mind before allowing yourself to be blindly led. Many people are lactose intolerant and have difficulty digesting dairy foods. In fact, in some of the healthiest societies in the world, very little, if any dairy is consumed. This is evident in rural China where the population consumes about one third the amount of dairy that most Americans do. They also have virtually no incidence of osteoporosis. In fact, the highest rates of osteoporosis correspond with countries consuming the largest amounts of meat and dairy products including the United States, New Zealand, Britain, and Sweden. The reason... excess animal protein consumption leaches calcium from bones.

Does this mean you should avoid meat, dairy, and eggs if these are foods you enjoy? Not a chance! We have to stop looking at things in such black and white terms. The key here is excess animal protein intake can create calcium deficiency. This is another way that the low-carb fad diet trend has promoted harmful misinformation. It has skewed people’s thinking about balanced nutrition. Especially in fitness communities the macro-nutrient, protein is over-emphasized and excessively valued. Remember, you can get all the protein you need from plant sources. Plant protein will not deplete your calcium stores. If healthy strong bones are important to you, and they should be, consume animal proteins more moderately. This can easily be achieved by going for the regular burger instead of the triple-decker, putting a little less meat in that chili, and enjoying a slice or two of cheese, not half the brick. Our bodies really don’t need 16-oz. steaks, giant burgers, and heaping plate-full’s of Buffalo wings. We don’t thrive on head-size hunks of cheese. The fast-food industry has greatly played into this portion distortion with their super-sizes and plates of food that can easily feed an entire family. Our whole idea about what constitutes a reasonable portion is skewed.

Those who struggle with restrictive eating disorder behaviors are probably used to seeing a plate as half empty and falsely believing this is a reasonable amount of food, while those with binging/compulsive overeating disorders have eyes much larger than their stomachs. Here is the only portion guidance I am going to give. I share this not as a limiting element, but to help those who may feel confused understand what a reasonable portion of food is. What I am about to outline is the bare minimum amount of food that needs be consumed at meals for general health. I’m not going to ask you to pull out a food scale or measuring cups. Those are the tools of the dieter and we have no need for those here. I’m also not going to break down serving sizes into their measurement equivalents by listing how many cups or ounces of food ‘should’ be consumed. I personally find that kind of information triggering. I think this is where nutrition professionals have really missed the mark. They understand the importance of sharing this information but present it in a manner that automatically breeds resistance and can be activating for ED issues. That’s not our intention here, so we are going to keep it simple. Want to know what a reasonable portion of food looks like? Put out your hand and make a fist… that’s it. A serving of protein, starchy carbs, fruits or veggies, is about the size of your fist. Use fats in small amounts to add flavor, while increasing both the enjoyment and nutritional content of your meals. A little butter can be a great thing! This is not an exact science, but it comes close enough to hit the mark.

The final nutritional area I want to cover is pleasure foods. Don’t worry… I didn’t forget about those treats we all love. What would life be without a cookie, scoop of ice cream, grab-bag of chips, or basket of fries from time to time? Boring and bland. Who wants any part of that? I think each one of us will have our hands raised high when I ask the question, “How many of you are sick and tired of being told to avoid the very foods you love?” Pleasure should be considered an essential nutrient. Like a multi-vitamin, we should take one a day… at least. Pleasure is required to feel a sense of satisfaction. Feeling satisfied is an underrated component of ending binging, compulsive overeating, and restricting behaviors. We need to learn the art of receiving pleasure. We also need to understand that pleasure comes through more sources than food. I encourage you to include a little pleasure each day from a variety of sources. In terms of sweets and treats, include reasonable amounts at the end of your meals or build them into your meals, if you so desire. This will allow you to experience the pleasure of the treats you love while also bringing your relationship with these foods into balance. Rather than viewing them as the main event, you will begin to see them realistically, as extras. Treats serve the purpose of providing dimension and interest to your meals. Biologically, this will prevent blood sugar spikes. Since the bodily need for nourishment will take precedence it will foster an internal equilibrium that will allow you to experience satisfaction with smaller amounts of these foods. When it comes to reasonable portions of treats, once again, look to your hand. If it wouldn’t fit in your hand, it is more than your body needs to feel supported. A cookie or two, a handful of chips, a scoop of ice cream… all sensible amounts. You can enjoy these foods every day! Build them into the meal ‘plan’. It’s important that you have enjoyable eating experiences. Many of you have been denied this pleasure for far too long. It’s time to welcome all foods back to the dining table.

Additionally, consider inviting other sources of pleasure into your day, as well. Make time for a relaxing bath. Allow yourself a 15 minute cat nap. Treat yourself to a warm cup of tea and a page-turning novel. Make a play-date with your best friend. Create space for you. You deserve it!

Finally, make sure you are getting plenty of water. Carry a water bottle with you and sip on it throughout the day to keep yourself well-hydrated.

How to Create Your ‘Plan’

In order to get your blood sugar levels stabilized, reduce binging/compulsive overeating, sugar cravings, and create a sense of food security that will allow your body to find physical and cognitive balance, it is going to be imperative that you feed yourself consistently and regularly with adequate nourishment. In order to achieve these aims you will be creating a ‘plan’ that will include 3 substantial meals and 2-3 snacks each day eaten no more than 4 hours apart from one another. Your snacks will be smaller than what you normally consume in a meal. It is also necessary to get a nurturing breakfast in every day within an hour of rising. Skipping breakfast invites in too many physiological responses that trigger ED behavior. This meal is going to be an essential component of your recovery process. This may seem like a task at this point, but I promise it will do amazing things for your body. You’ll be surprised how much this single step can improve your overall well-being. This is not about putting yourself on a mini-meal plan, which has been a recent popular diet trend. This is about nourishing your body with essential fuel.

When preparing your meals, think of including at least a fist-sized portion each of starchy complex carbohydrates, protein, and a fruit or veggie. Add a little essential fat to round things out. Balanced snacks will include complex carbohydrates (starchy or fruits/veggies) and protein. At first, this may seem like a lot of food to you and believe me, I understand. I was taken back when I saw the minimum amount of food I would need to eat in order to repair and replenish my body. At first, I thought there was no way that I could do this, but in a very short time I was proven wrong. It makes me all too aware how deeply grooved those patterns of restriction and under-eating are when there is an ED history.

I feel much better physically, mentally, emotionally, and energy-wise since implementing my own ‘plan’. I now get how carb-deprived I was. A rise in energy level and improvement in mood were the two benefits I noticed right off the bat upon implementing this approach. I was able to experience this within a few days. Initially, it took a little time for me to adjust to this new amount of food. I had been used to eating to the ‘just satiated’ point with intuitive eating and was not familiar with a sense of being truly full and nourished. This was an adjustment for me. If you are like me and have been eating to the ‘just satiated’ point, you have probably been under-eating. This is likely a great contributing factor in the continuation of your ED behavior.

Under-eating promotes binging and compulsive overeating. It also increases your cravings for sugar, sweets, and highly-processed foods. This is because simple carbs are quickly absorbed into your bloodstream. With a lack of adequate complex carbohydrates (this is the nutritional food source most restrict and under-consume), the body is going to scream for emergency fuel. I have always had a major sweet tooth. Upon integrating consistent nourishment from nutrient-dense foods, my desire for sugary treats all but vanished. I continue to include a little dessert each day but find a very small amount satisfies me. I now realize that my body was so pulled to those foods before due to existing in a chronically undernourished state. It was a real eye-opener for me. I continue to enjoy all of my favorite foods, including takeout, but a true balance has developed. I’m finding that the reward of feeling deeply nurtured with solid nutrition is more appealing to me than flooding my body with empty play foods.

Set Your Feeding Schedule on a Day-to-Day Basis

Every night before you go to bed, think about what the next day has in store for you. Pull out a notebook or journal to record your ‘plan’. I used a dry-erase board because I work out of the home and it was convenient for me. It served as a visual reminder to tend to my self-care. This alone was an efficient tool that ended my restriction/starvation cycle.

In creating your ‘plan’ for the next day, it is vital to consider certain elements. When will you be rising? Schedule your breakfast within an hour of your wake-up time. When will you be able to break for lunch? Note your lunch time. When will you reasonably be able to prepare yourself dinner? Pencil it in. Now that you have the basic template for your meals pinned down, it’s time to think about adding those 2-3 snacks. Is there more than 4 hours time lapsed between breakfast and when you will be having lunch? Schedule a mid-morning snack somewhere in there. Do you frequently experience an energy slump in the afternoon, or do you find your cravings for sweets tend to escalate later in the day? If so, schedule an afternoon snack. Are you a nighttime binger? Make sure to schedule an after dinner snack. Whether you choose to have 2 or 3 snacks is totally up to you. Base this on your personal needs and ED patterns.

There is no need to plan what you are going to eat. This will allow you to begin to tune into your intuitive signals. Simply keep in mind the importance of having a portion of starchy complex carbs, protein, a fruit or veggie, and a little essential fat with each meal and a complex carb/protein combo for snacks. You are merely setting reminders to feed yourself consistently in a nourishing way. Amazing things will happen for you physically, mentally, and emotionally when your body begins to get the signal that food is available in abundance. Your body will reward you as its needs are met. Your entire being will come into balance. Food is powerful medicine!

The great thing about a ‘plan’ like this is that it is all about you. It provides just enough structure to create a sense of safety for those transitioning from ED to intuitive eating. The planning also allows individuals to begin to reconnect with their own inner knowing in terms of food choices and how to best support their nutritional needs by working around their daily schedules and responsibilities. It fosters an awareness that providing your body with this essential care is equally important, if not more so, than any other obligations in your life. The schedule allows you to stop thinking about food so much and release the obsession. You will now be able to rest assured that you have a ‘plan’ in place and can begin to direct your attention toward other meaningful pursuits. Finally, it addresses common areas of concern that usually arise with newcomers to intuitive eating like how to plan around work or school schedules.

Our responsibilities shift from day to day. By setting your schedule the night before, you will be able to take these varying elements into consideration and plan accordingly. Your ‘plan’ does not have to be static. It can shift and grow with you. Shape it around your needs. Perfection is not required. Do your best to stick with your ‘plan’. If you have a meal or snack where you fall behind schedule don’t beat yourself up over it. Simply get back on track to the best of your ability. The only thing not allowed on this ‘plan’ is guilt. As you begin to feed yourself consistently, your hunger cues will start coming forward regularly and predictably. As this occurs, take this into consideration when creating your ‘plan’. For example, let’s say you note that you tend to get hungry in between breakfast and lunch consistently. There are a couple of ways you could alter your ‘plan’ to address this issue. You could opt to go for 3 snacks instead of 2 and add one in mid-morning. You could also choose to schedule your lunch a little earlier if this is something you are able to accommodate. Brilliantly, this begins to get you used to tuning into you own internal rhythms. Think of it as the first stirrings of the intuitive eater awakening.

There is a second piece to this puzzle which involves how to transition away from this ‘plan’ into becoming the natural eater you were always meant to be. Consider what has been presented here to be part one of this recovery process.

This is going to be an unfamiliar experience for many of you. Please, give yourself time to adjust to regular, nourishing feeding. It is so necessary to allow space for your bodily signals to begin to come forward consistently. There is always a result-driven aspect to human nature that makes us want to rush ahead. To do so would defeat the purpose of this approach. Be patient and give yourself some time to experience the many improvements feeding yourself soundly will bring. Three short weeks from now you will begin to reclaim your natural, instinctive eating abilities. Consider how brief a time span this is in comparison to the years you have struggled with food and body obsession. Anything worth doing is worth doing well. Give yourself time to flow with this transition. Don't push the river.

Building a Bridge from ED to Intuitive Eating, Part 7: Nature's Perfection... The way you were born to eat

2011-01-03T16:16:00.000-08:00

As promised, we are now going to gently guide ourselves back into a natural pattern of eating according to bodily signals of hunger and fullness. Now that a solid nutritional foundation is in place and a sense of balance has been restored, the transition into natural instinctive eating can be made with ease. For those who have attempted to grasp intuitive eating in the past but found it a struggle, you will discover that you feel more supported this time around.

If you have applied the approach that has been outlined in the "Building a Bridge" series for the recommended three weeks, your body has reached a state of equilibrium. Physically, you feel nurtured. You have greater clarity. Your mood is lighter and clearer. You have likely noticed that hunger signals that once eluded you are now coming through like clockwork. As you take these first steps to trust your body and its communication, you do so from a new foundation. What once seemed complicated will now become simple. Finally out of your head and into your body, you will simply eat. It is a freeing experience.

Much like the first phase of this approach, there is a three week transitional period. Certain elements will remain in place as a life practice of self-care. In reality, the act of eating can never be a totally intuitive experience. For a state of balance to be fostered it is necessary to blend intuition with common sense. To try to divorce one from the other is to create division within yourself. It's like rejecting part of your natural makeup. This is largely why so many intuitive approaches fail. It is also the reason fad diets mire us in over-thinking that disconnects us from our bodily wisdom. There needs to be a marriage of common sense with intuition in order for balance to take root.

Obviously, you can't cut yourself off at the neck and have a totally 'heady' experience. At the same time, you can't disconnect from that beautiful brain of yours. Otherwise, chaos would reign. It would be akin to taking a long walk off a short plank. In the end, you would be left wondering how you landed in such hot water. In the book, "Health At Every Size", By, Linda Bacon, PhD, there is reference to the experience of cavemen. Somehow they managed to survive without best-selling diet books, nutritionists, and 'experts' to guide them in their eating practices. This is because the act of eating is a biological experience. It is hardwired in our genetic makeup. It doesn't require an instruction manual. However, if those same cavemen didn't also rely on common sense they never would have survived the ravages of winter. After bringing home the bounty of the hunt they may have been tempted to wolf down their lion's share, leaving little to spare for lean times. Employing reason, they understood they may not come across such bounty so readily in the future. Game was portioned and preserved to help the tribe survive during cold, unprosperous months. It is clear to see that we need to use all of our faculties when it comes to our self-care.

Another point that bears mentioning is that our current climate of convenience is a far cry from what it was even 50 years ago. There have been a lot of changes in the way we produce food, along with our current ease of access to virtually unlimited supply. We have more food availability and options now than at any point in history. As a species, we are evolving. Our bodies adapt to their environmental circumstances. However, in terms of genetic evolution, 50 years is a mere drop in the bucket. We have not adapted physiologically to the factory produced foods that grace most American tables.

Back when our parents were kids, dining out was a special event, not a regular thing. Meals were cooked at home and were balanced. Fruits and vegetables regularly found their way to the plate. Foods were closer to the source, not so highly-processed. People sat down to eat and used meal time as an opportunity for connection with their loved ones. They weren't eating on the run, shoving food in their mouths as they rushed out the door, or chowing down absentmindedly in the car on the way to work. They weren't using food as anesthesia, zoning out in front of the TV with seemingly bottomless bags of man-made snacks engineered to make their taste buds crave more. Mom made treats for movie watching in her own kitchen. She served up wholesome goodies like homemade cookies, freshly popped popcorn, or a batch of her famous brownies.

There is also another distinct difference between the way we live now and yesteryear. There were no video games back in the day. Computers had yet to take center stage. TV viewing was limited. People got out and about more. They connected with others. They found pleasure in more social activities. Kids didn't plop down in front of the tube and waste their days away. They were outside riding their bikes, building tree forts, and having outdoor adventures. Dances were a popular social pastime. People moved more. Without all the modern trappings, people had to get up and do things for themselves.

The reason why we are seeing such a decline in our health has everything to do with the way our environment has shifted, along with the damaging message of the diet industry. The spin doctors of these corporations want you to be confused. Their wallets grow fatter the more disorientation prevails. You have been programmed to believe that eating is complicated and that you need a trained 'expert' or the latest 'it' diet to guide you in one of the most intimate affairs... the nurturing of your body. The truth is, eating is simple. You were born to eat in a natural, uncomplicated way, but industry doesn't want you to know this because it would affect their profits. This is why 'Big Food', the beauty myth, and the diet industry will set you up for failure every time. It's nothing more than a numbers game for these snake oil purveyors. They care nothing about you or your well-being.

It is impossible to look at our current state of health without considering the environment we are living in. Again, our common sense has to come into play. To try to discard this aspect is to muddy the waters.

When you were an infant, you didn't pull out a measuring cup to portion yourself a serving of your mother's breast milk. You also didn't concern yourself with how that milk was going to affect your body size. You ate because you were hungry and your body demanded that fuel. Without it, you would perish. When you look at it this way, it seems completely asinine. However, in kitchens worldwide millions of people feel completely lost when it comes to feeding themselves. Make no mistake. It is not an accident. This is calculated confusion.

We were never meant to eat this way. We aren't designed to waste away. We are built to survive. Our bodies will resist us tooth and nail in our vain attempt to whittle ourselves to a size that will fit in the cookie cutter mold of the prevailing beauty ideal. Rather than blaming our bodies we need to recognize that they are responding appropriately. Our bodies are doing their job. In fact, the so-called 'obesity epidemic' is largely fueled by propaganda carefully planted by industries who stand to profit from our fear. Our expanding waistlines are our natural survival reaction to existing in the climate of semi-starvation that diets have created along with a reliance on foods that our great grandmothers wouldn't even be able to recognize. What we have here is a case of wag the dog. If we all believe that our lives are in danger because of our body size and we bear the brunt of the blame, won't there be an increase in demand for the quick fix promise of a diet? After all, according to media we are the ones who have dropped the ball. The overwhelming message is that we can't be trusted and need to rely on professionals to resolve this crisis in the state of our nation's health. Corporations are well aware of the power of fear-based marketing. Here is the truth. We need to eat to thrive and well at that. It's time to stop putting the focus on body size and instead direct our attention where it really counts... our health.

That's where the, "Building a Bridge" series comes in. In a very real sense, this has been a reeducation. We had to unlearn all the messages the diet industry has fed us via the media. Now that we understand how to nurture our bodies well we can return to the way we were born to eat.

It will be important to continue to have breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day. If you are not eating these three meals, you are under-eating and doing biological harm to your body that will prevent you from restoring health. I encourage you to continue to eat your breakfast within an hour of rising. This simply makes common sense. Why work against your body when you can get your day off to a solid start? Continue to be mindful of the composition of your meals as outlined in the preceding installments of this series. A balanced meal will include quality carbohydrates, protein, produce, and a little essential fat. If you have any questions about this, review part 6 of the, "Building a Bridge" series. This portion of the presentation boiled down balanced nutrition to its purest, most accessible form. Snacks will now be optional. If you become hungry in-between meals, it makes sense to have a snack. In fact, it's helpful to always have a small portable snack on your person such as a grab bag of nuts and dried fruit, trail mix, a granola bar, or other quick and easy fuel that won't easily spoil. This way, if you get caught in a pinch and your hunger catches you off-guard, you are prepared.

You will no longer be planning the timing of your meals with the exception of breakfast. It truly is the most important meal of the day, especially when an individual has a history of eating disorder. Skipping breakfast leaves the gateway open for ED behavior to enter. In order to prevent this backlash it is essential to start your day with some nourishment.

For three weeks you are going to utilize a technique that will help you adjust to allowing your bodily cues to guide your eating experiences. When you are done eating breakfast, note what time it is. Add five hours to this finish time and log the result in your journal. For example, let's say you finished eating breakfast at 8:30 am. Adding five hours to this time would give you a time of 1:30 pm. You would write 1:30 pm in your journal as a reminder to eat by this time if you have not felt your hunger kick in before then. The reason for this is that you should avoid going for more than five hours without food. At that point, all the food from your previous meal is long gone. You need to nourish your body with fuel so you don't become depleted or court blood sugar fluctuations. Every time you eat, note your finish time and add five hours, then logging the result in your journal. This will ensure that you continue to take care of your basic needs if your hunger signals remain a little foggy.

You will only need to employ this reminder technique for three weeks. Within that period of time, your body will fall into its own individual rhythm and pattern. There will no longer be a need to remind yourself to eat. It will be automatic. If you think about it, it's pretty exciting to consider that in only three more short weeks you will be back to eating in a completely natural body-driven way. You will simply eat. Consider this helpful tool the training wheels that will prepare you to ride free.

Another element that will come into play at this point is paying attention to your fullness. Throughout the nutritional rehabilitation period you likely experienced a reality check about the bare minimum amount of food your body needs in order to function optimally. I know this was a very awakening part of the experience for me and probably the aspect that had the greatest healing impact. Now you will be ahead of the game. Your body has recalibrated and your sense of fullness is going to be more clear to you than it was in the past. If you continue to have a little fuzziness in this area, simply try to inject more awareness into your eating experiences. Pay attention to the sensations in your body when eating. True fullness will leave you with a warmth in your belly. You will be able to feel the food in your stomach. There will be a sense of substance there. You will know you have found the groove when you feel completely satisfied and content after your meal.

If you happen to overeat a little in these beginning stages of listening to your body be patient with yourself. Try not to over-emotionalize the experience. It really is no big deal. Since you will now be eating when you are hungry, your body will balance it out. You may find your appetite is held over a little longer when you overeat. You might be used to having your hunger come forward about every three hours. A meal overeaten will likely hold you over for a bit longer than usual, edging you closer to that five hour mark. Your body will make the necessary adjustments if you allow it to lead the way. There is no need for guilt or worry.

At the end of these next three weeks take a moment to acknowledge all the progress you have made. You are now a natural eater and can get on with the rest of your life. Congratulations!

Barbie... American Icon or Our Lady of Body-Image Issues?

2011-01-03T00:25:00.000-08:00

Ever since Mattel first introduced Barbie to America on March 9th, 1959 she has been a permanent fixture inpop culture. Most women can recall memories of having Barbie as a childhood playmate. To this day, the doll continues to be as popular as ever. Most little girls have a Barbie in their toy chest. In fact, Mattel likes to boast that three Barbie dolls are sold every second. However, despite Barbie's popularity, the marketing of this doll to young girls has fallen under much scrutiny and for good reason. Barbie promotes a body-image that is a far cry from healthy. In fact, there is great debate that the doll's fantasy proportions encourage body distortion and give rise to subsequent eating disorder behavior amongst young girls.

In 1963 an apparel collection, "Barbie Baby-Sits" was launched. The outfit came with accessories, one of which was a book titled, "How to Lose Weight". The book's advice... "Don't eat". This same book accessory was featured in 1965 in the apparel collection, "Slumber Party" complete with pink bathroom scale set permanently at 110 lbs. Barbie's real-life dimensions are far from realistic. Here’s some keepin' it real Barbie facts...

If Barbie was an actual woman her measurements would be completely unattainable. At 5'9" her bust would measure 39", her waist would be a virtually non-existent 18", and her hip measurement would come in at 33". She would wear a size 3 shoe.
Barbie views herself as a 'full-figured' woman at a weight of 110 lbs. In reality, at 110 lbs. Barbie is 35 lbs. underweight according to her height which puts her health in a precarious state.
Barbie would register a mere 16.24 BMI which would easily fit the criteria to classify her as anorexic. Menstruation would be nothing more than a faint memory for Barbie. Her body could simply not support natural hormonal cycles.
Barbie's proportions are so unrealistic that as a real-life woman she'd have to walk on all fours like a dog. She wouldn't be able to stand on her own two feet.

In light of this information it makes it all the more disturbing that famous shoe designer Christian Louboutin decided to launch a 50 year anniversary edition of Barbie with a little nip-tuck. According to the designer, Barbie's lower legs were still a little too thick for his liking. He felt her ankles needed to be much slimmer and her foot more curved to show off the shoe collection he designed for the icon. His decision was met with both outrage and controversy. In his defense, Louboutin explained that it was a fashion decision based on showcasing his work. While he didn't think Barbie's original ankles were fat, he did feel that slimmer ankles would make his shoes look better. When Mattel teams up with the fashion industry you have the perfect recipe for disaster.

When are we going to demand more consciousness in advertising? When will enough be enough? I'm not a mother, but if I was, I certainly would not want my little girl playing with Barbie. She is a bad influence. I see Barbie as a symbol of the sickness that has grasped our culture… a culture that values thinness above all else, objectifies women, and discourages diversity in favor of homogenization. Let's not forget that although Mattel has launched both African American and Latin American versions of the doll stateside they continue to have distinctly Caucasian features. Barbie has one Asian friend named Kira that is hard to find in the United States because she is not heavily marketed like the other versions of the doll. When toy manufacturers target their advertising campaigns to lure in little girls ages 3-12 with messages so potentially damaging and we sit twiddling our thumbs, we have a problem. Most girls own a Barbie by the age of 3. I encourage all parents to think about the message Barbie is 'whispering' in their daughter's ear. Against the backdrop of this unrealistic image, how is your little girl supposed to feel about her own body? What reflection will she see when she looks in the mirror?

We have the ability to promote an empowering message that embraces diversity and encourages healthy body-image. Our power to effect change lies in how we spend our consumer dollars. Every time we go to the store and make a purchase we cast a vote. Suppliers meet the demand. Corporations don't hold the power. That's an illusion. The people hold the power and we have the ability to set the precedence if we stop buying into marketing ploys and begin to put our money where our mouth is. It's time we become conscious consumers and take financial responsibility to ensure that our dollars support businesses in line with our values.

When I think back I believe even as a child I knew that Barbie was a little off. There was something I didn't like about that girl. All my Barbie's suffered the same fate. They eventually made it to the hairdresser only to have their long silky locks hacked away into mohawks. Soon their faces would adorn permanent marker mustaches and other unflattering 'enhancements'. Then the inevitable day would come when Barbie's fate was sealed. Her demise was seen in a heap of body parts... a head here... a bendable leg there... the 'perfect' parts that once assembled the 'perfect' body, now laid in a 'perfect' pile upon the floor. Mom never wanted me to destroy my toys but something felt so damn rewarding about dismantling that image.

Maybe it is time we collectively dethroned Barbie from her iconic status and dismantled the one-note beauty ideal she has come to represent. Think of what a different world it would be if beauty was celebrated in all shapes, sizes and ethnicities. We can have that world if we all do our part to raise awareness and use our voices to educate and empower. Use your voice to pass it on today.

Word!

2011-01-02T23:57:00.000-08:00

This is a quote from chef, Alton Brown. I thought the discerning readers of the "Through Thick & Thin" blog would appreciate his to the point sentiment...

"I just saw the movie “Super Size Me” and I have to say that I liked it. It was fun, irreverent filmmaking on a shoestring and it’s good to know that filmmakers can still pull that sort of thing off.

What shocked me about the movie wasn’t what it said. Heck I already knew most of that stuff. What shocked me were the gasps I heard from the audience, most of whom seemed generally surprised that big business could be so…well…businesslike.

Here’s what it comes down to, kids. Ronald McDonald doesn’t give a damn about you. Neither does that little minx Wendy or any of the other icons of drivethroughdom. And you know what, they’re not supposed to. They’re businesses doing what businesses do. They don’t love you. They are not going to laugh with you on your birthdays, or hold you when you’re sick and sad. They won’t be with you when you graduate, when your children are born or when you die. You will be with you and your family and friends will be with you. And, if you’re any kind of human being, you will be there for them. And you know what, you and your family and friends are supposed to provide you with nourishment too. That’s right folks, feeding someone is an act of caring. We will always be fed best by those that care, be it ourselves or the aforementioned friends and family.

We are fat and sick and dying because we have handed a basic, fundamental and intimate function of life over to corporations. We choose to value our nourishment so little that we entrust it to strangers. We hand our lives over to big companies and then drag them to court when the deal goes bad. This is insanity.

Feed yourselves.
Feed your loved ones.
And for God’s sake, feed your children.

Don’t trust anyone else to do it… not anyone. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t go out to dinner every now and then… that is after all one of the great joys of life… but it isn’t life itself and that’s what I’m talking about.

Is McDonald's food bad for you? What do you think? Does that mean you shouldn’t eat it? No, it just means you shouldn’t live on it or anything else made by someone you wouldn’t hug.

Burgers don’t kill people.
People kill people.
Don’t be one of them."

-Alton Brown

The Crazy Lady

2011-01-02T06:37:00.001-08:00

Feeling kind of like Alice falling down the rabbit hole
into another world
a dream world

In my mind there's always these hallways
many doors
filled with the past
the could be's
the wants to happen

This crazy lady
she banged and screamed for years
trapped behind the door
it was old battered and evil looking

Some one opened the door
they heard her cries for help
now she wanders these halls
hair standing straight up
clothes torn and dirty
full of a nasty stench

She's not crazy, she's desperate
full of hope
still looking for help
looking for escape from the hell she was in

Who put her there
why was she trapped
what was in that room that made her
look to be so crazy

It's not cool having this crazy lady
wandering around in my head
she can be scary and annoying
anger builds
sadness creeps along the walls and into my soul

I'm not used to it
only voices whispers of noise
from beyond those doors

Now I hear the foot steps and doors slamming
doors opening with me being around the corner
fear of what she may unleash
hope in that here is help

But from a crazy lady?

I see the sadness in her eyes
I know it's there
she's not crazy
she was trapped
she needs a voice
she needs life!

Let It Be

2011-01-01T18:41:00.000-08:00

Dear Past,

Consider this letter my olive branch. Over the past month, I have revisited you. I allowed the frozen spaces within me to thaw and released all the repressed emotions I was holding on to. These feelings kept me bound to an old reality. One that does not support the new truth about everything and everyone. I'm sorry I have clung so tightly to my version of the story. In my need to be invested in my wounding, I have lost sight of what is truly meaningful. I realize now that in every experience, each individual has their truth and this truth is to be honored. This level of acceptance must be unconditional, even when the truth of another may be hard for us to swallow. I could not arrive at this space of readiness to fully forgive from my heart until I laid down the emotional burden I was not willing to surrender until now. I thank you for being patient with me as I cleared out the cobwebs.

It is so easy to stay in blame. To point the finger at others as the cause of our suffering. Some lessons in life are more painful than others. They reveal truths about ourselves that may be difficult to witness and yet, within these harsh lessons are hidden jewels. I call these wicked blessings. The greatest opportunities for growth are often the very experiences we curse. It is when we are down on our knees that we find the strength to rise and stand with our own two feet in our full potential. In this respect, I can see that every single person from my past that I've chosen to carry pain over was in fact, a great teacher. Each of you taught me valuable lessons about being true to myself, loving unconditionally, living authentically, never losing myself to another, staying centered in my power, and now... the grace of forgiveness.

To each of you who once shared the path with me but have now drifted to new roads, I wish to say... I forgive you. I know you never intended to hurt me. We all do the best we can in any given moment. I've seen into your heart and saw the light glowing there. You are a good person and just like the rest of us on this little blue planet, you sometimes make mistakes. I understand because I've also made mistakes. Plenty of them. I wish to say that I am sorry for any way I may have hurt you or caused conflict in your life. This was never my intention. I'm human. Sometimes I fall flat on my face. The words come out of my mouth all wrong and miss their mark. To help right what has been wronged I now speak words of peace.

I respect that you have your own experience of what happened between us. I will not in any way try to take that from you. It is your truth and I accept this. It is not my desire to change history, but to honor its passage and flood it with love so wholeness may be restored. This is why I also must forgive myself. During a time of crisis in my life, I was unable to communicate my needs. This created confusion and misunderstanding that has muddied the waters for too long. I may never have the opportunity to speak my truth with you... to clear the air so you will see me as I really am. I can however, lay this down and make a declaration that I am no longer willing to carry this pain. It is this pain that prevents healing. I am not invested in it anymore. I drop my storyline and open myself to pen new chapters in my life. In doing so, I create release for all involved. May you each follow your heart to the center of your truth and find yourself there.

I do not care about being 'right'. Nor am I bent on winning the argument. It doesn't matter to me. All that matters is the truth that now beats in my heart. I wish you nothing but peace, healing, happiness, freedom, and love to fill you up to the brim, making you whole. May the blessings overflow in your life to wash away any hurt I was a part of causing.

Although at times I flounder, I'm a lover not a fighter. I seek peace. Sometimes, the only way to find that peace is to end the struggle... stop trying to 'figure it out'... surrender... let go, let Goddess... and look for resolution within yourself. This is what I do now.

Perhaps some day, our paths will meet again and we can greet one another in a new space. If not, know that I wish you well on your journey. I appreciate what you were able to share with me. I learned so much from you. I will always be grateful for the lessons. You have been a potent teacher on my path and have my respect.

Merry meet and merry part...

Coming Home

2011-01-01T15:55:00.000-08:00

I've been doing intensive healing and release work around the past. Letting go... forgiving others... accepting what is... not trying to change it... just letting it be. It has been powerful for me. At times, the emotions I have bumped up against have been so potent, I have thought it might have been a good idea to have a guide for this inner journey. Yet, here I am... perhaps a little bruised and beaten for the wear... but here nonetheless. What I have discovered is that the destination led right back to me.

For the first time in 14 years I have truly released my past. I release it, bless it, and let it go. I trust that what I need to heal and be made whole will be received. As I enter this new year, I pull all my energy back into myself. Everything that is 'out there' in my world is merely a reflection of my inner reality. To see beauty reflected back to me I need to first unearth this within myself.

I have delved deep into my shadow. I have discovered some hidden elements tucked away in dark corners. It's time for me to shed light on these areas... to let the warmth back in to chase away the cold. In the end, I want to feel fulfilled within myself. I can't say I am completely there yet. I have come a long way. I have learned much. The past month has packed one wallop of a punch. I had no idea that I had imprisoned myself in my unwillingness to let go of old shit. I was holding so much inside. To express those repressed emotions was one of the most powerful forces I have ever encountered.

It was as if someone transported me back in time 14 years ago and said, "You were too vulnerable to allow yourself this experience then. You are strong enough to face this now." It all seems rather esoteric, but what I experienced this past month was not simply a release of emotion. It was a reliving of past experiences on every sensory level. In my mind, I keep coming back to the soul retrieval work I had done which is closing now... the circle complete. It involves a true journeying into yourself and that experience, though existential, is extremely tangible... palpable even. In some healing circles it is referred to as a re-birthing process. That's a bit what it feels like to me. It rocked me to my core. The past month is impossible for me to frame with words. In many ways, I'm still coming into myself after this experience. It feels different in here... in this soul of mine.

Through this journey I have learned the wisdom of being present... smack dab in middle of this moment. In order to be here, we can't have pieces of ourselves attached to the past, nor traipsing off in a future yet to be. Those pieces need to be called back so we can stand in our power now. It made me so aware of the need to stay in our experience... to not escape. The escape is an illusion. You can't run from what you repress. It only festers, lingers, grows... building in power and momentum. What we push down... push away... enchains us. It robs us of our freedom. It steals away our peace.

This is spicy work... not for the faint of heart. Support is so essential. This is another valuable lesson I learned. Connect... don't isolate or disengage. It takes a village. I am so grateful that I have a community of people here at "Through Thick and Thin" and in my personal life who truly love me. I have had people show up for me and that is a very different experience than the one I had 14 years ago in my time of trauma. It has shown me the power of connection. This has inspired me even more to ensure that our community serves as a support for all those who may be left alone with such struggles due to a lack of resources or because they are too drawn in isolation.

As I step into 2011 I stand in my own two shoes. I no longer need anyone else to validate me. I am not seeking anything outside of myself, nor looking for answers in another's eyes. I'm coming home right into the center of me. Instead of seeking peace, healing, acceptance, approval, love and validation through others, I am going to find this space of being inside myself. I am the only person I am guaranteed to have by my side for the rest of my life. 2011 is the year of me showing up for me.

New Year 2011 Blessing

2010-12-31T10:42:00.000-08:00

In honor of the turning of the wheel and a new year about to be born, I decided to do a little something different. I was called to give a gift to the community.

I practice many forms of divination and particularly enjoy working with oracle cards. I always use readings on New Year's Eve to tap into the energy that will be coming in over the next 12 months. This year, I decided to do a reading for each member of the "Through Thick and Thin" community who is a believer in all things magical. The particular deck I worked with is "Wisdom of the Hidden Realms" and was created by, Collette Baron-Reid. If you enjoy divination, this is a stunning deck with captivating images. I highly recommend it. The guidance is always spot-on, deeply meaningful, and relevant.

If you are pulled to read this message, know this reading is meant for you and will be a theme for your life throughout 2011.

~2011 Theme~

The Phoenix
resurrection, surrender to change

-Ally-

The Phoenix appears as your Ally to celebrate your journey and to ensure your ultimate success. This is true even if it appears that you've just passed through a metaphorical experience of death or are currently enduring a perception of failure in your life.

Death and rebirth are related when you enter the realm of the Phoenix. Seen in this light, nothing truly dies, but rather changes from one ending directly into new beginnings. The Phoenix is constantly reinventing itself and rises up whole and new and even more powerful with every death it experiences. This could signal an end of a relationship -or a dynamic within one- or an end of a job, a project, or even a life.

Perhaps no failure is involved, but it's time for a complete overhaul of your circumstances. You may be tired of what you're doing, or you may know intuitively that it's time to move on and try something new. Whatever the case, a death of the old and a celebration of the new are called for! Whatever you do now will indeed be a successful endeavor, for a rebirth is imminent!

Happy New Year! I wish each of you...

A shimmer of hope
A shine of belief
A glisten of happiness
The beauty of peace
And a touch of humor

~Blessed Be~

"Checkmate" By, Shannon Elsom

2010-12-28T00:22:00.000-08:00

~Checkmate~
By, Shannon Elsom

I've been here before
I know the scene
When everything that was certain
Is not quite what it seems
When you take a bite of that polished apple
And find it rotten to the core
A bitter taste of reality
Shocking open new doors

Yes…
I've been here before
I know the scene
But the plot is not the only thing not quite what it seems
I'm not a weak woman
My power is vast
I have a fire in my belly
A soul built to last
I may have been wounded
My name dragged through the mud
My love has been man-handled
Not treated with kid gloves
But my heart is wide open
It’s beat…
Fearlessly free
Good luck trying to pull a fast one on me

Bite into my apple
You’ll find substance at its core
Yet lips that lie will be denied
Left hungering for more
No matter how you plot
Or desperately you may scheme
My love is my power
It will bring you to your knees

Play with the Queen of Hearts
And you will lose your pretty head
I’m not to be trifled with
Perhaps you were misled
You pulled a card from the deck of my past
You toyed with love like a game
But it is I who will have the last laugh
With my arrow’s steady aim

Yes…
I’ve been here before
I know well the scene
Oh, silly foolish boy
Things are not what they seem

"The Siren's Call" By, Shannon Elsom

2010-12-28T00:16:00.000-08:00

~The Siren's Call~
By, Shannon Elsom

Like a bee to honey
A moth to a flickering flame
Drawing together opposites
To meld and make one
That which had been torn asunder

Oh, sweet journey of the pilgrim heart
Setting out on a maiden voyage
Upon the ocean of Divine Love
To arrive at the shore of Destiny
Whole and fulfilled

The call home echoes
Within the soul's corridors
Blotting out fear and doubt
Leaving only absolute
Truth of Grace

Follow Your Heart

2010-12-28T00:06:00.000-08:00

"The longest journey you will make in your life is from your head to your heart." ~Sioux Legend

The Tell-Tale Heart

2010-12-27T23:50:00.000-08:00

Lately, I am finding writing to be a very therapeutic release for me. Journaling is helping me stay centered in my experience. It is preventing me from distracting myself from what has quickly escalated into one of the most soul-searing passages of my life. In the past, discomfort on this level would have surely sent me packing, but here I sit in the eye of the hurricane. I'm present and currently detesting this experience. I wish I could say I was flowing through this transition with more grace, but that would be akin to polishing up a rotten apple. If I have learned anything through my recovery, it is the importance of radical truth-telling. No one ever said it was going to be easy.

Shadow work is a force to be reckoned with. It is the whip of tough love that snaps us out of our inertia. It wrenches the fabric of complacency, challenging us to weave new meaningful threads into the tapestry of our lives. Some work is done for the sake of the doing, without the reward being readily apparent. Such is the case when you are dancing with the shadow in the pale moonlight.

I have seen ugliness reflected back at me over the past month. I have been called to claim full ownership of some rather murky aspects of my character. This has proven to be some of the most juicy, meaty, intense, provoking soul work I have ever done.

It hit me this morning as I was laying in bed how much forgiveness work I have done around my past. I have reached deep inside of myself to find a place of forgiveness for those who have wounded me. I have forgiven what some say to be the unforgivable. This didn't require a great leap of faith. I believe my philosophy in life has helped me move into this emotional space of readiness.

I have come to accept that truth is not absolute, at least not in the way we relate to truth. There is the little 't' truth which most of us feel inexplicably invested in. This comes from an ego-centered place of falsely assuming our experience to be solely relevant. You know what they say about assuming. This watered-down version of the truth is a complete denial of the truth of others. Little 't' truth is used as the basis of many conflicts. It backs up a hell of a lot of finger-pointing. It's emotionally invested in laying blame... being 'right'... winning the argument. It has no regard for understanding, empathy, or compassion. At its worst it is bull-headed ignorance. It certainly is counter-productive and crowds out all room for healing. Healing can't happen when we are too socked into a myopic view of fear-based self-preservation.

Then you have the big 'T' truth, or what I like to think of as the cosmic order of all things and simultaneously, the cosmic chaos of all things. Chaos is the dark womb that gestates creative change in our lives. We resist chaos because we fear the darkness. The unknown makes us quake in our boots because we have falsely bought into the illusion of control. We have sacrificed our wild natures in favor of homogenization. Then we feel dead inside and bewildered by our state of disconnect and confusion. How can we feel anything but turmoil when we are severed from our intrinsic nature?

Chaos is not exactly the visitor we want to see arriving on our doorstep. It's kind of like the friend who overstays their welcome... fine for a quick "How do you do" and not much more. Usually chaos comes calling when we become static and stuck. When we have lost our way and are veering off course, chaos comes as the great teacher to wake us out of our mindless slumber. Sometimes we grow far too apathetic. We become locked into roles that do not reflect who we truly are. We act out of old outworn belief systems. We view the present through the eyes of the past. This prevents us from experiencing the new reality of the now. We play old tunes on records grooved with scratches that create skips in our experience.

Resistance feeds persistence in such cases. Absolute surrender to the force of change is what is absolutely required. No ifs, ands or buts. We can protest all we want. We can scream until we are blue in the face. We can curse The Fates. Although, I do not recommend this. That's a rather tricky affair. It won't slow the uprooting. It won't stop that earthquake from tearing a path through your living room. It won't soften the blow of the hammer of truth. The more exacting that blow, the greater the call to let go and succumb to the teaching. Resistance is futile unless you're cruising for a more severe clobbering. Some are gluttons for punishment. I'm not one of them.

Through the channel of chaos, we learn lessons about big 'T' truth. We discover that truth is absolute and simultaneously, absolute bullshit because it is so highly subjective and filtered through our individual perceptions. Higher truth shows respect for all views in any conflict. It recognizes that all feelings are valid and to be respected. We can never strip someone of their experience even when it differs greatly from our own or causes us pain. It is when we can rise above our attachment to our version of old stories to encompass understanding of that big 'T' truth that we find healing, peace, and freedom.

One caveat of this process is that we have to weigh our own hearts. Big 'T' truth reflects our inner reality. It peers into the dark corners of our psyche. It shines light on aspects of ourselves we have hidden, tucked away presumably safely under lock and key. It does not do this to be cruel but to help free us from our self-imposed imprisonment. Scrying into that mirror I have seen clearly my inability to forgive myself.

It is much easier for me to find forgiveness in my heart for others. I feel deeply challenged to grant myself the same redemption. Only in the past few days have I begun to scratch the surface of the forgiveness work I need to do with myself. I feel profoundly tested to embrace the darker aspects of my nature. I have bumped up against a wall of shame I didn't even know existed. I have tried to find solace in the fact that I am not alone in the shadow. We all possess the contrast of darkness to our light. Somehow this knowing has not soothed me. Some paths are meant to be tread solitary. There may be others who can relate to our experience, but the journey through the shadow is uniquely our own. No fellow travellers may join us at this inn. This is one area we tend to feel very alone despite knowing that all humans wrestle with their demons. Some rather fancy the struggle and enjoy jello wrestling with their demon friends.

In the past month the all-knowing cosmic mirror has reflected back to me aspects of myself I would prefer to shatter, smash to bits, box up and ship out with no return address. I have seen my grasping... my envy... my bitterness... my rage... my toxicity. It has brought up issues around my sense of worthiness. I am so very hard on myself. I grant myself little breathing room to be human... to make mistakes... to struggle... and yes... to occasionally fall flat on my face and make a colossal ass out of myself. I am not exempt from putting my foot in my mouth or stirring the shit pot, try as I might to avoid these scenarios like the plague. I find it so easy to forgive others of these transgressions, but myself? That's a bitter pill to swallow.

I'm on a mission to come to a place of true forgiveness in my heart. I am fully convinced it is my ticket to peace, healing, and freedom. I will not continue to carry this baggage around for another 14 years. This experience is multi-layered for me. It runs deep... so very, very deep. Much like peeling an onion, I work through one layer only to find another one waiting for me. Every time I hit bottom... and I have hit bottom too many times to count over the past four weeks... I discover that new lows await me. It is in those moments I believe I am mad for opening this Pandora's box and yet, I am compelled like a moth to a flame. Perhaps it is my kamikaze nature to crash and burn. To allow the fire of transformation to rip through my soul consuming all that is false, leaving only essential remains.

I realize in these moments that this is greater than me... this call to heal old wounds and seek peace. It comes from something right in the center of my spirit, like a distant echo across the divide beckoning me home. I have no choice but to answer that call. At times it twists my insides up in knots. I find myself crying mercy and still I persist... feeling... releasing... staring truth in its wild face... shuddering... sobbing... diving down, down, down... all the way to the bottom of this wreckage that has capsized my soul.

This is what I am hungry for. This is the force that drives me. I will no longer live my life from a space of fear. I would rather leap empty-handed into the void. I prefer to brush right up against the unknowable and find my heart waiting there for me... restless and beating. The secrets it will speak with its tell-tale beat I do not know. I only know this is the work to be done. There is no going back no matter how desperately I want to turn tail and run, making a clean break for distant lands... far off places where I can be nameless amongst the masses... where I have no history... where I can simply be. This is the fantasy du jour right now. That, or taking off to join the circus where I can live the life of a nomad. A gypsy soul with no permanent place to call home with only a dream in my heart to keep me warm at night. The yearning for the great escape still beckons in the quiet moments the pain closes in. It reminds me of something Geneen Roth expressed... "Never underestimate the inclination to bolt." I'm sitting in the center of that gem of truth. It's a tough one.

Despite the beautiful mess that has been made of my life in the blink of an eye, I trust in the wisdom of life's grand design. I realize my kicking and screaming protests this intervention, but there is that still calm place inside that knows better. I sometimes need to have a temper tantrum to get to the heart of the matter. It's often these moments we look back on with revelation... connecting the dots between poignant experiences. I have yet to meet a challenge I couldn't lick. I am, after all, the queen of salvation at the eleventh hour.

Call it ignorant bliss, radical trust, divine guidance, or sheer insanity... I call it my only option. I have to believe that the foundation I've built over the past 13 years has been ripped out from under me because my life is in need of a grander design. Something more befitting of the woman I have become. Time for mama to trade in old hats for a shiny new jewel-studded crown.

Merry Yuletide

2010-12-23T20:18:00.000-08:00

Happy Holidays "Through Thick and Thin" family. Wishing you a joyful time of connection with those you love.

Here's to brighter days, an abundance of blessings, and the fulfillment of your heart's desires in 2011.

Rest in Peace Gabrielle

2010-12-23T12:34:00.000-08:00

I've hit bottom. It is all much too much now. I have received word that my dear friend, Gabrielle, passed away yesterday, December 22, 2010 at 4:30 pm.

Something inside of me must have intuited this because I have been in deep mourning, sobbing to no end, since yesterday afternoon. The tears have poured out of me in a steady stream that could fill the ocean wide. This grief has left me with a vast expanse of emptiness in my heart. I'm in an unusual emotional space. I feel in this world, but not of this world. I feel tested beyond my means. There have been too many major blows packed into the past few weeks. A person can only take so much. I am on my knees pleading mercy.

Last night, in the middle of a surge of pain that seemed to possess the power to consume me whole, I pulled a card from my Doreen Virtue "Archangel Oracle Cards" deck. This is the message I received...

Hello from Heaven

Archangel Azrael: "Your loved ones in Heaven are doing fine. Let go of worries, and feel their loving blessings."

Additional Message: "Your loved ones aren't far away; in fact, they're quite near. In your quiet moments, you can feel their presence. These really are true visitations, and I ask you to trust your intuition. You may notice dream visits from deceased loved ones. Know that your loved ones are happy, free of all suffering, and want the same for you. Your loved ones want to work with your guardian angels to help you be peaceful, so watch for other signs from Heaven."

Working with Archangel Azrael: Azrael is known as "The Angel of Death," since his primary role is to help people cross over to Heaven at the time of their physical death. Far from being a morbid role, Azrael surrounds the newly crossed-over soul with loving light to make the experience uplifting and comforting. Azrael helps deceased loved ones make contact with their living family members and friends. You can ask Azrael to bring you a message or dream visitation from your loved ones in Heaven.

Last night, as I was crying, I felt a presence surround me. It enfolded me, comforted me, rocked me, the way a mother would rock and soothe a child. I believe this was a visitation... an act of Grace to hold me in my time of sorrow. Life is such a mystery. I did not receive word of Gabrielle's passing until this morning, but the heart knows. The heart always knows.

Rest in peace Gabrielle. You are a beautiful soul who touched many lives with your healing presence. Your memory will forever live on in my heart and those of the many who love you.

Merry Winter Solstice

2010-12-21T12:01:00.000-08:00

To all members of our community who honor the turning of the wheel, I would like to wish you a Merry Winter Solstice. This is a very fertile solstice, pregnant with the limitless possibility and potential we find in the longest night of the year. This solstice night is graced with a full moon lunar eclipse.

The energy is perfect for diving deeply into ourselves, reflecting on the year's lessons learned, all we are grateful for, and the dreams we wish to birth in our lives as the light steadily returns once this night has passed.

"Up rose the wild old winter-king, And shook his beard of snow; "I hear the first young hard-bell ring, 'Tis time for me to go! Northward o'er the icy rocks, Northward o'er the sea, My daughter comes with sunny locks: This land's too warm for me!" ~Charles Godfrey Leland

Inspire Emotional Release Through Breath

2010-12-21T00:16:00.000-08:00

Inspire (in spi r') v. 10. to take air into the lungs in breathing; inhale. 11. Archaic a. to infuse (breath, life, etc.) by breathing (usually fol. by into) b. to breathe into or upon.

Many of us know the traditional definition of inspire; to produce or arouse; but we often forget about the archaic definition which means quite simply, to breathe into. The act of breathing itself is inspiration. Conscious breathing has the ability to connect us with our bodies and release emotions we are physically suppressing. Many of us hold our emotions so tightly in our bodies. Quite literally, we don't give these feelings any breathing room. We stuff down our emotions by disassociating and disconnecting. We each do this in different ways.

Some people use food or the avoidance of eating to disconnect from the feelings welling up inside of them. Others turn to substances like drugs and alcohol to numb out emotions that may feel too overwhelming to face. Some blind themselves to their inner realities with consumerism... shopping as a way to obtain material things to define worth and fill the void inside. We disconnect in a multitude of ways... tuning out with TV, the computer, video games, overwork, excessive exercise. In a very real sense we have moved away from an organic life experience toward a virtual reality. All of these means of coping are like slapping a band aid on a gaping wound. It doesn't stop the hemorrhaging... the bleeding out of our life force. The more we check out like this, the more our unaddressed feelings tend to build inside of us, creating pressure. This pressure leads to stress. That stress can impact our lives negatively on multiple levels.

Stress is the greatest factor in dis-ease. So much of our health and well-being relies on our ability to effectively manage our stress. Additionally, though we may think we are saving ourselves suffering by dropping the curtain on our emotions, we are actually breeding dysfunction which only further impacts our sense of discontent and lack of personal fulfillment. When we cut ourselves off at the head and sever ourselves from our bodies and emotions, those feelings remain. They haven't disappeared simply because we are not willing to look at them. As layer upon layer of unacknowledged emotion piles up on one another, our inner unrest reaches the boiling point. That pent-up energy must be released before we implode. Often this seeps out into our lives in damaging ways, affecting relationships, work, health, and our emotional/spiritual well-being.

It is very important that we hold space for all of our emotions, that we learn to invite our feelings in to sit for a spell and teach us something about ourselves. Most people resist emotional work because they feel like they have to figure it out, make it 'right' and possibly dredge up painful past memories that they would just assume leave behind in the dust of days gone by. This is a misconception. We don't have to sort out our feelings, categorize them, make sense of them, validate them, or even know where they originate from. There is a big difference between honoring our emotions and wallowing in feelings that can keep us stuck in life. Feeling our emotions does not mean we must convert to the 'religion' of martyrdom. It is about releasing what is weighing us down so we can build a bridge and get over it. It is when we cling so tightly to our emotions, blocking their expression, that we are keeping ourselves locked and bound by the shackles of the past. Feeling paves the road to freedom.

Sometimes when we open ourselves to feeling we make a distinct connection. We realize the emotion is related to some event in our lives that we didn't fully process and integrate, but this is not always the case. Sometimes, emotions surface and they seem to have no basis in rationality. They appear to spring up from nowhere. In those moments it is vital to trust that sometimes the body knows something we are unaware of. Our job isn't to 'fix' it, just to feel it. Feeling fully creates the necessary release that helps us move forward in our lives. It's not complicated and it doesn't require years of wading through emotional muck while lying on a psychiatrist's couch. In fact, the more we can be present and hold space for our feelings, the more easily they pass through us unencumbered. The sooner we get to get on with life. There is no way to avoid feeling. We are having a life experience and experience entails that we must feel.

How do we hold space for our emotions and reconnect when we are so used to checking out? The answer is quite simply, through inspiration. Through breathing, we become inspired and this facilitates the physical release that allows our bodies to surrender what they have been holding on to so tightly. It is amazing how releasing our emotions through breath can create so much space inside of us. There is a distinct broadening of our inner horizons when we allow our emotions expression through inspiration. It can be a powerful experience. We truly have the ability to heal and release simply by using our breath.

When we own our emotions we move away from reacting, toward responding. Reactiveness comes from an unaware space. When we are disconnected from our emotions we often move into reactiveness, finger-pointing and judging, rather than owning our feelings and expressing them in balanced ways. This only causes the divide to deepen and prevents us from moving forward in our lives and relationships. Reactions are impulsive. They are highly-charged. Our buttons get pushed and we head into blame mode because we want to make others/life situations 'wrong'. It is easier to disconnect through blaming than to come into direct contact with the intolerable feelings that get provoked by challenging situations and relationships. When we react, we give away our power. We come from a space of fear and defensiveness. This only creates more of what we don't want in our lives... isolation, disconnection, adversity, dysfunction.

Responding is quite different. It is recognizing in the moment that difficulty enters that there is a choice... to close ourselves off in reactiveness, remaining in our familiar comfort zone, or to move into a space of receptivity and understanding which opens the door to more meaning and personal growth. Responding comes from a secure space of authenticity and love. In order to respond, we have to be able to connect with our emotions while also respecting the feelings of others. If we can tune in the instant disruption enters, make contact with our feelings while also connecting with the feelings of others, we are opening ourselves to responding. Responding entails that we listen more, not only to ourselves, but to those around us. When we respond, we are stepping into our power. We are owning our emotions and relating to other's positions without feeling threatened. We understand that all feelings are valid and deserve respect and recognition, including those that run contrary to our own. We each deserve to have space held for our emotions. A balanced life is built on a foundation of responding, not reacting.

In order to come from a place of responding we need to learn how to feel fully. This requires us to come back into our bodies... to have an in-body experience. One of the easiest ways to do this is by connecting with our breath. The next time you find yourself moving into reactiveness... becoming mired in fear, anxiety, defensiveness, judgment, criticism or blame... take a moment to breathe.

First, locate where the feeling is in your body. Is it in your chest? Your belly? Your hands or feet? Once you discern where the feeling is in your body bring some awareness into that physical space. What does it feel like in your body where you are holding this emotion? Is it tight and constricting? Is it fluttering or trembling? Is it hot or cold? Full or empty? Does the feeling have a color? Do you get an image with the sensation? Really get into your body and get in touch. Once you have connected with the full scope of the feeling, begin to breathe into the location in your body where you are holding this sensation. Imagine your breath traveling inside that space, around it, above it and below it. Keep breathing into the area where your body is holding this feeling.

Sometimes we are physically constricting our emotions to the extent that we have cut off circulation, preventing nurturing energy from coming in. This is evident when the breath gets 'stuck' and is unable to reach the physical location in the body where the feeling is being held. This signals that there is something we are holding on to so very tightly. If we keep breathing into that tightness we can release the obstruction and allow our feelings to surface. The breath inspires and unlocks the feeling. Often, you will experience a physical sensation of release. This can manifest in many ways and will be different for each person. There is no 'wrong' way to experience this release. Trust what comes forward.

For some, the tears may begin to flow. Others may notice a shaking happening within, almost like a soul rattle dislodging years of pent-up emotion with its vibration. You may even notice that you release the feeling audibly through sighs, moans, or other sounds. Stay out of judgment. Don't bother trying to make sense of it. Let it be and trust in the body's wisdom to know exactly what you need for release.

You can use your breath to release any emotion. If you have a feeling of being cut-off from your inner world, take some time to come back into your body and breathe. Allow the inspiration to empower you so you can get clear on what your true needs are and can more effectively address your concerns. Feeling is healing. The more we can reconnect with ourselves, the more we move into response and find our entire beings coming into balance. Let yourself be inspired today.

"Mama" By, Shannon Elsom

2010-12-19T22:41:00.000-08:00

~Mama~

By, Shannon Elsom

Her light shines within me,
Illuminating...
Casting Her glow upon my shadowy depths.
Her Siren call entrancing,
I ebb and flow...
Her every murmur coaxing my tides.
Her love flows through me,
Slow and smooth...
Like black-strap molasses.
Thick and moist...
As a balmy summer's eve.
Intoxicating me with her essence...
Perfumed honey-wine.
Her secrets...
Like fruit ripened on the vine,
Bursting with the promise of juiciness.
She waits...
To be plucked and savored.
Her power grows inside me,
As ancient incantations...
Spun from the wise lips of Crones.
Her serpentine rattle calls my soul to dance,
Tracing sacred circles...
All move and breathe to the rhythm of Gaia's drum.
Her presence watches over me,
As raven, moon...
Sky, claw.
In the pools of Her eternal gaze,
My own vision is washed clear...
Baptizing my eyes in beauty.
I stare into the face of the Goddess,
My reflection...
In the Cosmic mirror.

Persephone's Return

2010-12-19T18:45:00.000-08:00

About a year ago, I embarked on a mystical journey. It has been a long winding road and I have only arrived at my destination in recent weeks. I have been doing some deep emotional processing around the traumatic events I experienced 14 years ago. It was time for me to go right into the center of this pain, rage, shame, and fear so I could lay it to rest. It was essential for me to face this demon head on in order to forgive... the past, all those who wounded me, and most importantly, myself. I needed to forgive myself for misplacing my trust and for being human... susceptible to vulnerability and fragility.

For many years I felt shame because of that softness. Now I see that my strength is in my courage to wear my heart on my sleeve. My love is my power. It matters not if others can't meet me in this space or jest at the expression of my very real feelings. This is more a reflection of their inadequacies, not mine.

Many have scoffed at my desire to forgive. They don't understand how I could move into that place of emotional readiness considering what I have been through. Forgiveness, at its heart, is not so much about the other. It is a gift of release you offer yourself. Forgiveness does not mean you excuse the transgression. It is not a statement that what happened to you was acceptable or just, certainly not if you were treated with cruelty. Forgiveness means you are no longer willing to carry that pain. It is a refusal to play the role of victim. When you forgive, your martyr days are over. You are ready to reclaim your power and let that wounding lie buried in the dust of the past. Forgiveness sets your soul free. For this reason, I forgive all those who caused me such great pain 14 years ago. I lay that turmoil down in peace because it is not my burden to bear.

Earlier this year, I did something rather radical and unconventional in my attempt to recover the little girl gone lost. I never felt quite the same after my most severe bout of anorexia. I always sensed that a piece of my soul was missing, locked frozen in time, attached to the traumatic events that have kept me imprisoned all these years. Those events... all the hurtful things people I cared for said to me, being abandoned and forgotten... have haunted me through an endless loop of memory.

I had read once of a shamanic practice called soul retrieval that spoke to me on an intrinsic level. Shamans believe that parts of our soul can sever and become attached to a period of time when a great trauma occurred. This causes the person who relinquished their soul part to feel this constant state of incompleteness, as if a piece of them is missing. Often the individual will not be able to find peace and release from the original wounding. This keeps their life in a somewhat bound state where it is impossible to move forward or to feel whole. It's like living life in reverse... seeing present experiences through the eyes of the past. I resonated with this when I read it. It spoke to a very deep part of me. Earlier this year, I decided to seek out a shaman for a soul retrieval.

I found a woman to work with who has extensive experience with shamanism. She apprenticed for many years with the Kahunas in Hawaii. Both her and her husband have been doing shamanistic work for well over 20 years and are deeply respected. They are held in high regard in the healing community. I spoke with her at length, explaining where I felt stuck and how this had affected me all these years. She agreed a soul retrieval was in order. This would be carried out in ritual over several lengthy sessions which she performed for me on a donation only basis, making her the real deal and not some new-agey charlatan.

Prior to my first session, I ran into a friend who had also gone through a soul retrieval. She warned me not to do it. She expressed that it was the most intense thing she had ever been through. After her ritual had been completed she found herself in a deep state of grief. For a year solid all she could do was sob and take salt water baths in an effort to cleanse herself of the energy that seemed to be ripping her open from the inside out.

I asked her how she felt now that she had passed through that dark valley and come out the other side. She responded that she felt whole... complete. That was enough validation for me. I felt it was worth the spiritual initiation if it meant I could recover myself. I bit the bullet and never looked back.

The ritual work was potent. It is one of the most profound mystical experiences I have ever had and that's saying a lot. I've had some doozies. I had to keep a very open mind and stay out of fear which was a challenge because the power that was raised was so palpable... so formidable. It is not something to be toyed with. At the same time, there was this odd sense of familiarity... something ancient, rooted, and deep ... as if encoded in my DNA. There was almost a spirit of homecoming as the drum droned on with its earthy beat and I was lulled into journeying by the sound of chanting and tribal song.

I worked with this shaman on three separate occasions to complete my soul retrieval. At first, it felt as if lifeblood had flowed back into my veins. There was an energy present that had been absent for so many years. I also began to reconnect with old parts of myself. I was called to renew my spiritual practice. Former interests resurfaced. Even friends I had not seen in many, many moons began to re-enter my life. I was starting to feel like myself again and that was a wonderful feeling after being cut off for so long. In general, it was all gravy baby.

However, there is another side to the soul retrieval process that must be completed before your soul parts can be integrated... walking through the shadow. This is like a rubber-band effect. Picture a traumatic time in your life... the people who surrounded you back then, the feelings you were feeling, the experiences you were having. Now imagine being transported back to that space and reliving that experience as your present self. This is the final stage of the soul retrieval and the part my friend discussed that she said was so gut-wrenching. I now know all too well why she gave me that warning.

The past month, I have gone through the shadow. It exacted a devastating blow. I can't say I would have gone through my soul retrieval had I known the magnitude of the experience that awaited me, but there's no use crying over spilled milk. What's done is done and in my heart of hearts, I do believe I had to go there. I say this because despite the searing pain of spiritually reliving these traumas on every sensory level, I have my power back. That is priceless. I know my power will never be stripped of me again. I am certain of this because the woman I stand now will never give it away so carelessly as I did in my youthful folly. I have graduated from the princess to the queen and will not suffer fools idly as I did in the past because of my hunger for approval. I approve of myself now and do not seek validation in any other's eyes.

Some would look at the experience I have gone through over this past month and believe I must be mad to endure such an initiation into life's mysteries. I care not for the opinions of those who cannot even begin to fathom my intense need to have my full self restored. It's an unbearable pain to walk through life as a phantom because you are bound and tethered to a past of sorrow. It keeps you from being present... from drinking in all the beauty and wonder that surrounds you now. I was not willing to continue to live like that... empty and devoid. I paid a high price for my soul's return but in the end, it was worth it.

I cannot express the depth of emotion that has been unleashed from the pit of my being over these last 4 weeks. This was beyond grief. It was as if my spirit was wailing... howling like a Banshee... and there seemed no bottom to it. It was like free falling into a cavern of despair. It was like falling to my knees on that cold linoleum floor as an anorexic at the brink of death.

Oh... and the rage. The rage was like fire running through the top of my head like a burning spear, engulfing me in flames. Consuming everything in its path that was a false idol. It was as if the Dark Goddess had been invoked to seek redemption. The venom spit out of me like the poison from a cobra's fangs.

The fear had to be reckoned with. It rattled me in the late hours of the night, keeping me tossing and turning in my bed... breaking out into a cold sweat as if enraptured. My heart pounded in my chest like a bass drum. All my terrors paid their respects.

On every level, I relived the events I suffered through 14 years ago. It was like slipping through a porthole and being transported back to that hellish place. Straddling the razor's edge... a foot in both worlds. All of my senses were engaged as if my past had become my present. The experience was so tangible. Though it was disturbing, powerful beyond belief, and fraught with an intensity the mind would have to bend to imagine, it was necessary. I had to walk through the realm of the forgotten to find myself. Now that I have, I will never abandon myself. Never again.

Some hearts break because of wounds inflicted. My heart was broken open. I sit in gratitude for all those who tried to knock me down. You only made me a stronger, wiser, more powerfully fierce woman. You made me a wild woman and honey... wild women don't get the blues.

Living VS Surviving

2010-12-18T12:55:00.000-08:00

I have had quite a week this week! Oh my, I just can't wait till things get back to "normal" again, LOL if there is such a thing. But yes there is, such a thing as normal. It's the day to day stuff, the routine and so on.

Anyways, hubby had surgery on his leg this passed Tuesday (he's doing well). He has been home and resting. My mother in-law so kindly took vacation time so that she could come over and help us out so that I didn't have to take time off of work and us both being off without pay would really have sucked!

I am so thankful for all that my in-laws have done for us. Something's happened to me this week that brought up a LOT of old scars. Well ya know, they aren't so old. They were feelings from back when I was going through starting our family. I had c sections for all 3 of our kids and that required a lot of help from our families.

I may not be the one in recovery this time around but man I was getting a taste of those old feelings. Needing the help this time so I could work. Knowing someone else is doing something at my house for my kids and family. Like folding my laundry! Oh my, ya so anyways. I calmed myself down because I hated the anxiety I was causing.

Looking back or shall I say, feeling back to how I used to basically live in those days it really occurred to me, I wasn't living I was surviving. I was getting in my own way, allowing my head to get clouded with twisted thoughts. Thoughts that I was a failure and incompetent as a person, a mother, a wife and everything else I was supposed to be.

I know none of that was true and isn't, I am so excited that I see this now. This time around I am looking around and seeing with an inner eye and not just these two eyes that people can see. I don't know how else to describe this but just seeing things in a whole new light. The more I get in my own way, the more I struggle. The more I struggle with my anxiety and mood swings, ya know, the ripple effect.

Living VS Surviving keeps popping into my head. Asking is this living or are you just surviving?

Surviving is being too afraid of the fire and just wrapping myself in layers. The layers mean so much protection. Always a reason for those layers. But where is the comfort? Where is the warmth and ambiance of the fire?

Fire is not just about surviving, it's about living! It's about using the fuel and adding to it. But if the chimney is blocked there is no out for the smoke and ya, that just makes a mess of things. You can't enjoy the fire and no matter how many layers you add the smoke will get you.

I choose to live! I choose to continue my journey and release these emotional layers I have been holding so tightly to. There living is surviving but having fun while doing it. It's about adding yourself to the picture and now putting myself on the list of life. I want it. I want to live and I want to have fun. I want my dreams man!

A Cautionary Tale

2010-12-13T16:09:00.000-08:00

Lately, the girl in this picture has been howling, moaning, wailing from the pit of her soul... mourning for her death... calling her spirit back from the land of the forgotten. The girl is me.

This snapshot was taken at the crossroads. A place in time when my life was hanging in the balance... teetering on the edge. If I had felt the presence of love and support, I may have been able to guide myself toward the light of freedom. Unfortunately, I was left alone to fight a battle it takes an army to wage. I quickly lost grasp of my lifeline, surrendering to anorexia.

I write this piece from my heart. I write this piece for the nameless souls who have been abandoned. I stand and fight the good fight for those who have been stripped of their voices. I write this piece for my true loves... every brave soul taking the courageous stand to free themselves from the clutches of eating disorder. I write to give your pain expression for it is a pain that has been my travelling companion for most of my life. I write because I will not be silenced or shamed. It is time for my voice... for all of our voices... to be heard.

At a time in my life when I desperately needed compassion and understanding I was discarded like so much trash. There are no words to express the wounding that was inflicted upon me. The words escape my lips just as the help I so direly needed escaped me in my darkest hour. It is my hope that by sharing my story I can encourage others to hold the light for those still walking through the shadow.

When this photo was taken I was serving time in my own private hell. The pain I felt was unbearable. It took the sheer force of brute will to make it one day to the next. I was alive, but something inside of me was already fading away into the blackness. I knew of no other way to survive than to sever myself from all feeling. Enter Ana...

Anorexia is not about being thin or fitting in with the 'it' crowd. Anorexia... any eating disorder really... is about cutting yourself off at the neck. It is about disconnecting from your body where your emotions are held so there is a sense of control over feelings that seem so threatening. It is a way to survive the pain that acts as a double edged sword, helping the individual to cope ineffectively as it also seals one's fate.

When someone is struggling with eating disorder there is a profound sense of shame leading to isolation that crowds out all sources of connection and support. How loved ones show up for the eating disorder sufferer can make the difference between life and death. This is why I share my tale. So that others may learn from the harm that was cast upon me.

This is my experience. I have let the ghosts of the past haunt the corridors of my soul for too long. I am ready to free this apparition so it may find peace in the Great Beyond. It is time for me to have my life... myself... back.

I have struggled with anorexia since the age of 11. The major events of my life have been marked with relapse. Usually relapse was brought on when life careened out of control due to mounting heartache and pressure, leaving me overwhelmed. Since I have always been the person to show up for others, I had adopted the facade of being the 'strong' one. The person who could take it... keep shoveling it in.

In fact, this is a very common attitude for eating disorder sufferers. They don't believe they can trust anyone. They don't feel loved. They don't feel emotionally held. As a result, they adopt the steely stance that they don't need anyone. They can handle whatever is thrown at them on their own. We all need someone.

As the individual becomes more and more isolated, shame begins to breed and spawn. Soon the only one the sufferer can trust is ED. This won't make sense to an outsider. How could it? Friends and family feel washed in confusion. How could the one they care so deeply for see self-abuse as a viable option? It is because of the sense of containment the eating disorder provides for the struggling individual. Suddenly, with ED in charge, emotions don't feel so threatening. The world doesn't appear so looming and large. There is the seduction of self-mastery. A cynicism takes hold convincing the eating disorder sufferer that everyone else is oblivious... they don't have a clue... only ED gets it.

Sadly, most do not know how to show up for the person ensnared in eating disorder. The condition travels further down the spiral while loved ones sink into dismay. To help prevent another from being left alone the way I was I am going to share a cautionary tale for all those who love someone who is fighting this battle. This tale illustrates what not to do.

I was 23 at the time and worked as a manager in a record store. For all intents and purposes, it should have been a carefree time in my life. It was anything but. My boss was extremely abusive. He sexually harassed me and when his attempts to woo me left him empty-handed, he would call me into the back office to degrade me... hurling every obscenity at me in the book. He humiliated me by following me out on my breaks and tearing me apart in front of the other employees and shoppers at the mall. I had made every attempt to get corporate heads to address this matter, all to no avail. My finances were extremely tight and I was struggling to make ends meet. I couldn't just up and quit my job. I was seeking other employment, but nothing was coming through.

I was also dealing with personal issues. I was nursing a broken heart and dealing with volatile situations that were pushing every last one of my buttons. The ground was moving beneath my feet. There was not one area of my life that was not impacted at this time. My whole world was caving in around me. Everything I believed in... everything I held dear... everything that carried meaning for me... was being systematically stripped of me. The pain became too much for me to bear. I fell back into a relapse of anorexia because it was the only way I knew to create a sense of safety for myself.

As the weight began to slide off my body, I received lots of attention and praise. Everyone wanted to know how I was doing it. This was like giving me a treat for doing a trick. I had always been so desperate for approval. To receive this admiration only stoked the fire of the eating disorder. I became more deeply entrenched. What started out as starving, existing off little more than coffee and cigarettes, soon became a deadly cocktail of wasting, purging, exercising for hours on end, diuretics, and laxatives. It was the worst case scenario in recovery terms. I'm a statistical oddity... a miracle. By all accounts I should be six feet under.

The more weight that dropped, the more gushing approval came in. I became addicted to the feeling of being accepted, even though it was a false acceptance. I was not being valued for who I truly am. I was being exalted for fitting into society's norms... for emulating the images on fashion runways and Hollywood red carpets. I was being celebrated for a facade. The real me slipped further out of view... bound and silenced.

As my situation became more desperate the divide widened. Soon, gone were the accolades, replaced by mean-spirited jeers, teasing, and taunting. My co-workers nicknamed me Karen Carpenter and were having a good laugh at my expense. They chuckled that someone must have put a gypsy curse on me as in Stephen King's "Thinner". I was labeled as weird... a freak. It's all fun and games until you are at the roulette table gambling away your life. Even though I was wearing my pain like a suit of armor for all to see, no one extended a hand to help. Instead my suffering was met with mockery. My shame escalated driving me deeper down into the abyss. I felt threatened... unsafe... and my devotion to Ana grew.

Ana was always there for me. 'She' didn't tease or chide. 'She' let me feel in control as my whole world was sliding off the map. That was a hell of a lot more than I could say for most people around me at that time. I did have a couple people who clumsily reached out to me. At least they showed they cared. Although it may not have seemed to make a difference at the time, it was those few souls who helped me survive the unsurvivable. May the blessing of their kindness return to them a thousand fold. If you get anything out of what I am sharing it is this...

Reach out and connect with the eating disorder sufferer in whatever way you can. Do not worry about falling short. Worry instead about doing nothing or worse yet, inflicting cruelty. The only way you will fail your loved one is if you keep them in isolation. As long as you use compassion as your guide, you are making a difference, even when this is not readily apparent.

I hit bottom at 85 lbs. I had been vomiting large amounts of blood daily. My organs were sliding into failure. My cognitive functioning escaped me. In this state of desperation a small still place inside of me reached out for help. It was a last ditch effort. My call for help was met with ridicule and rejection.

I remember feeling as if I was slipping away after I hung up the phone. I buried myself under my blankets, curled up into a little ball. Time was suspended as I lay still... barely breathing. Hours must have passed before I made my way to the bathroom.

In that moment, the veil was lifted. I tore off my clothes and stood in front of the mirror naked, taking in my true reflection... an image that had eluded me for months despite the concerned comments of a select few. In that instant, I saw the ravages of anorexia on my body. It appeared the Grim Reaper had already arrived to claim my soul. Skin and bones... nothing more. A casing of a woman who once was... a little girl gone lost. The harshness of the image awakened me. I sunk to my knees on the cold linoleum and there I rested in the fetal position for three days solid, mourning the death of the girl I once knew. A part of me died that day. A part I have only reclaimed in recent months.

I should have been hospitalized, put on a heart monitor and feeding tubes. Someone, anyone, should have given a shit. That was not my experience. Three days was all I had to pull myself together. I went back to working my 12 hour shifts while I sucked up the merciless humiliation heaped upon me while others laughed gleefully at my demise. My pain was a joke. My life was a joke. I was the punchline of a cruel joke only I wasn't laughing.

There is no way to capture the level of disconnect this created within me. I froze up inside. The only way I could survive was to lock away the old me... steeling her away to a secret passageway in my soul.

I recently retrieved the key to my prison and set myself free. I have been processing the rage, shame, and deep grief that I have numbed myself from experiencing for 14 years. I have allowed myself to sing my soul song... to belt it out with a warrior's cry on the path of redemption. I have called my soul parts back across the valley of the exiled. I have mended what was once severed, making me whole. I am in ownership of myself... my power returned. I will never be that broken girl again. Nothing can touch me after walking through that fire. No one can harm me because I will never abandon myself again.

During the period of my last stand with anorexia, I wrote a poem expressing the pain of being discarded and taunted during my time of great need...

~Jaded~
By, Shannon Elsom

You smiled...
And I felt the knife turn within my breast
The pain was not present for myself...
Nor for all my afflictions endured
But for you...
The lonely one
Smiling like a Cheshire cat

Oh, the soft lies we sell...
To make the simple so complex
Did you not know that plastered grin had cracked your mask?
Seeping through the facade...
A trail of tears that spread like the horizon
Making your smile appear more the frown
In my eyes

If you or someone you love is struggling with eating disorder, please, reach out for help. Call in professional support. You can find assistance by contacting NEDA (The National Eating Disorders Association)...

http://www.edap.org/

This is a situation that calls for outside help. For the sake of the one you love, please don't attempt to carry this on your own.

Recovery happens and it is worth every step taken on the path... through all the tears, the rage, the grief. I stand present, a woman who has crossed the divide. I must say, the grass is greener on the other side. Don't give up. Life is worth it. Beauty is everywhere and that beauty is within you. Home is where the heart is and it resides in your soul. I will hold a light through my living example that everyone who struggles with eating disorder will find their way back home.

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." ~Plato

Effective Communication: Lesson One

2010-12-11T22:18:00.000-08:00

~Mirroring~

In any relationship beyond a casual connection, conflict is inevitable. When faced with conflict, we have one of two choices... to react or to respond. When we react, we are moving from a space of fear where solutions often escape us. Unfortunately, this breeds more discord. When we respond, we approach our conflicts from a space of willingness to understand the view of the other. This allows love to transform the situation.

In the book "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" By, Margaret and Jordan Paul, the authors express that we have two paths to choose from as we negotiate our conflicts in relationship. We can choose the Path of Protection or the Path of Evolution.

The Path of Protection is based on reactiveness and has self-preservation as its sole agenda. The Path of Protection leads to a deepening divide, causing conflict to escalate or become more grooved and rutted. This often leads to a battle of wills as each partner strives for power and control of the situation. The sense of distance and separateness increases. This allows an atmosphere to prevail where both parties feel unseen... unheard. The Path of Protection cuts off all avenues for growth, leading to a stalemate.

The Path of Evolution stems from willingness to step into the shoes of the other and see the experience through their eyes. It requires that we temporarily put down our egos and enter into a space of emotional openness. This invites love in to act as a salve for wounds, birthing understanding and a sense of feelings being honored. When we approach our conflicts by responding with love we nurture connection, healing, communion, and growth within ourselves and the relationship.

The major difference between these two approaches is that the Path of Protection is invested in being 'right'. Whereas the Path of Evolution is invested in learning and understanding. It is only in the space of a willingness to learn that true resolution can be nurtured.

It is essential to remember in any conflict that each person has their own experience. We may not agree with their experience. That experience may differ greatly from our own. However, in no way does this devalue the experience of the other. Truth is highly subjective. There are no absolutes when you delve into the realm of feeling. Whatever an individual feels has merit and deserves to be respected. It is unfair to attempt to explain away someone else's feelings or suggest through argument that they are somehow in the 'wrong' for holding the emotions they do. When we do this we invalidate our partner's experience. This creates a no-win situation that prevents a loving resolution.

How many times have you been embroiled in a conflict where the other party was arguing with your feelings or trying to sway you to see things from their point of view? How did this make you feel? Did it make you feel safe and supported in opening up? Or did you find yourself becoming more combative, or worse yet, recoiling?

To effectively navigate what can often be choppy emotional waters the communication skill of 'mirroring' can prove immensely helpful.

The first step with mirroring is to listen. This means when the other person is talking you give them your full attention and hold your tongue. When your partner is speaking, they have the floor. Your role is to hold a respectful space for them to open up and express themselves.

In this regard, be aware of your body language because it is a form of communication in and of itself. Lay off of rolling your eyes or staring at the ceiling in frustration because you are chomping at the bit to say your peace. Likewise, let your body reflect openness. If you are sitting with your arms crossed you are already communicating a sense of being closed off without uttering a word. Let your body language speak of openness, yielding, and receptivity.

As your partner speaks, drink in their words. Really absorb the heart of what they are expressing. Let them take their time to share their feelings. Don't interject or interrupt. Your time will come. Consider how you would feel if you were sharing something sensitive and were being interrupted. Put yourself in your partner's shoes and extend the same dignity to them that you would like to receive.

Once the other party has aired all their feelings, it is your turn to respond. Again, stay out of reactiveness. Don't go on the warpath attacking their position or trying to explain how their perception is off. Instead, mirror back to your partner so you can be sure you heard them correctly. For example a statement such as, "It's really important to me that I clearly understand what you are saying. Let me see if I heard you correctly. Are you saying.......?", invites clear communication and allows the partner to feel heard. In this manner, any possible further misunderstanding is nipped in the bud before creating more drama to sort through.

Remember as you mirror back what you heard the other person express to keep all sarcasm, hostility, and personal judgment out of the mix. To ensure clarity, follow up with the statement, "Did I hear you correctly? Is that everything you needed to express? Is there anything else you need to say?"

If it goes pear-shaped and your partner says, "No... nada... not even in the ballpark", be patient and let them have the floor to clarify. In an instance like this you would go back to the beginning... listening, mirroring, and verifying that you heard the other party correctly.

If your partner affirms that yes, you have indeed heard them correctly, ask them if there is anything else they would like to share about what they have expressed. Once the other person has said everything they needed to say and are done sharing, you are free to respond, offering your point of view if it feels appropriate and the situation calls for it.

If there is something you need to get off your chest, it is your partner's turn to let you have the floor. You deserve the same respect and dignified treatment. The other party will need to follow the same dialogue guidelines... listening, mirroring, verifying, giving you further opportunity to elaborate on what you have shared, and responding with their position if necessary.

If both individuals can agree to approach conflict resolution with willingness to grow and learn through relationship, the rewards can be phenomenal. Greater intimacy and closeness can be established renewing once fading bonds. Even if the other party is unable to meet you in this emotional space, you evolve by practicing the art of mirroring in communication. You elevate yourself and in doing so, teach others through your impeccable example. You also free yourself from carrying emotional baggage that is not yours to bear. You get to walk away from the experience with your head held high. You also gain a deeper understanding of the other in your heart. This alone makes it worth the effort to open yourself to dynamic communication.

We always have two choices in life...

To live in fear or to live in love. Choose love. Always choose love.

Love heals
Love brings resolution
Love conquers
Love creates
Love is eternal

Love is the only absolute truth there is.

"The Don't Diet Live-It" Support Group Launches at the "Through Thick & Thin" Community Forum

2010-12-11T17:50:00.000-08:00

Hello Community,

The "Through Thick and Thin" Community Forum has launched our "Don't Diet Live-It!" online support group. This group meets weekly on our forum under the "Don't Diet Live-It! Support Group" thread. If you would like to participate, you will need to obtain a copy of the workbook. It is available through Amazon at a reasonable price. If you do decide to purchase a copy through Amazon, we kindly ask that you use our Amazon search feature located in our blog sidebar. Our forum gets a small percentage of every purchase made through this search feature. This stipend helps cover the costs of managing our forum, allowing us to keep our support services free and ads off our board. If interested in participating, the book is...

"The Don't Diet Live-It! Workbook Healing Food, Weight & Body Issues" By, Andrea Wachter, LMFT and Marsea Marcus, LMFT

This workbook comes highly recommended by eating disorder professionals. It has been successfully used in the treatment of a broad range of eating disorders. The book is divided into four separate journeys. With each journey, you read the same opening material, but the questions to answer evolve as you go through your recovery process. In other words, this is a workbook that grows alongside you while also helping you witness your progress. Being able to acknowledge how far you have come is essential for the longevity of any recovery process.

I will be participating alongside all others who would like to be involved. As usual, I will be sharing my experience of the material in an unapologetically candid manner. I'm really looking forward to diving in deeper with the use of this workbook. I hope there will be others who join me on this healing journey.

Considering this group runs on a weekly basis, there is time to obtain a copy if you would like to join in on the first session. You can drop in on the support thread at the forum at any point during the week. This is not static and can easily work around any schedule.

More so than intuitive eating, this is going to become the new model for our community. There are intuitive eating elements presented in the material. However, this workbook is about dealing with the core issues. Continual focus on food and body image only serves to create more confusion and complication. Until you take the leap and demonstrate willingness to reach in and tear out the root, the weeds will keep coming back.

It's time for our community to be free of ED once and for all. Let's give ol' ED a swift kick in the ass and show him the door. Supporting one another through shared experience, we will find a way through.

Looking in

2010-12-10T11:47:00.000-08:00

I found myself in the mind of the young teen
sitting in the back of the class
quiet and alone

Lost and scared out of her mind
not fitting in
not knowing who she is or what she wants

How do you mold yourself
when there is no form you will fit in?

Separated lives or so it felt
when she was at school and when she was home
it really didn't make much a difference
only she pulled away from everyone
for different reasons

The pain I feel when I remember those days
not fitting in my middle school
then to go home and feel like I was invisible

Wanting to fit in but I could never really feel the pull
the one that said yes this is calling to me
to live like this
to enjoy this and to have fun

Always just longing for some one to just tell me who I was
to tell me I was beautiful
to tell me I mean something to them
to belong

I found it!
switching schools
starting new

I feel that connection now
with that young lady
the one who shoved aside wanting to fit in
she was scared but pushed through
found friends that brought out the joy
her soul was joyous and full of adventure

Suddenly the need to feel wanted was gone
the needs were altogether different
the need to be myself
the need to put me first
the need to not twist my self to please others
the need to be respected
the need to smile!

Oh I have missed you young one
the one who gave me the taste of freedom
who showed me I can kick ass
I can say I NEED! and get it myself

The strength to stand up
and not to be taken advantage of

Welcome home love
I will respect you
I will honor and feed this soul
this Goddess that lives within
trust
treasure and most of all
explore!

Announcement

2010-11-28T13:56:00.000-08:00

Hello Community,

We recently had some breaches in our forum and blog security. For this reason, posts that have been staples at this community have been lost. In order to ensure that we don't run into any issues in the future, I would like to state our intention and the necessary changes we need to make to stay true to our vision of having this as a safe space for healing.

For those who are members of the "Through Thick and Thin" Forum...

The "Through Thick and Thin" team understands how hard it is to bring your voice on to the board. Many feel intimidated or insecure. We feel great compassion and we get it. It's not easy to open up after being closed off for so long. We would graciously appreciate a formal introduction on the "Introduce Yourself" thread if you can find the courage. This is just a way of you saying "Hello, I'm here and I want to be part of the group." You will find nothing but love and acceptance.

A community thrives through active participation. Without that involvement the full weight of meeting the demands for support falls on the heads of just a few members. This can become taxing and it does not need to be. The vision of our community is one of togetherness. We are supposed to stick together "Through Thick and Thin". Let's hold that vision so we can all feel supported and there is a more balanced exchange of energy on our board.

If you feel shy, or you are simply not ready to open yourself to this experience, we will respect this. We hope in time you will find your voice, speak your truth, and set yourself free from what is keeping you limited from receiving all the love and support available to you. However, due to recent issues that have caused the loss of a great deal of my writings, I do have to create some new guidelines.

I will be removing the chat room along with the ability for members to PM. I feel it is important for members who desire to be involved in our community to be authentic and share themselves openly on the board. One of the major issues that can stand in the way of a full recovery from eating disorder is the sense of isolation and shame. To heal, we need to connect, not disengage. We do not want to reinforce these limitations in our community.

Removing the chat and PM features from our forum will strengthen the security of our board. I apologize for any inconvenience this will cause our members. It is a necessary change.

To all "Through Thick and Thin" Members...

I also would like to put a call out to the community. Do any of you have copies of some of my old posts? Many of them were lost. Most importantly, I am looking for the "Inspire Emotional Release Through Breath" post. I'm not too concerned about the others. Although, I would be interested in hearing what anyone may have saved. I would like to recoup as much of my work as possible so I do not have to re-write pieces during this busy time of transition in my life. Any assistance would be greatly appreciated.

I have a very full plate right now. There is big change occurring in my personal life. I am working on numerous business projects and I just started a new job. I could use assistance in making the needed changes on both the forum and blog so I don't end up stretched too thin. If any of you have ideas for how we can make this transition flow more smoothly, I would love to hear them.

I would like to apologize to all those who had their accounts deleted that had nothing but good intentions for being members of our community. This was done merely as a safety precaution and not a personal judgment. I hope you will re-join the group. We would love to have you and appreciate your understanding through this time of major reconstruction.

Our community will grow and benefit from this experience. I do believe that some of the new focuses we were bringing in were not in our best interest. Let's hold the light and the love. Let us have this be our intention. In a world where there are plenty of shadows to be encountered, we all need a haven we can visit where we are replenished by drinking deeply from a well of love and light. Let's hold this vision as a community.

If you would like to participate at the forum, follow the link below...

http://throughthickandthin.myfreeforum.org/index.php

~One Love~